05 March 2009

Eat It, Ann Landers! Ask The Shark Tank Is Here.


Always more than happy to pick up the slack where other advice columnists fear to tread, Ask the Shark Tank is back to help you with the problems you can't solve yourself. To enrich your life and forge your road to recovery, read on.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Shark Tank,

To tell the truth, I'm a little embarrassed even writing in about this. It seems so silly. But when I read your post about Cheez-Its, I knew you might understand. You see, my husband likes to eat Cheez-Its in bed at night. The problem? Little cracker crumbs are all over the sheets! It's making the bed orange and it's making me red. With rage! What can I do?


Angry in Alabama



Dear Angry,

What you're experiencing is quite normal. It's when our significant others's cute habits start becoming not-so-cute. To address the problem specifically: sadly, you'll have to divorce him

(continued at bottom)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Shark Tank,

My girlfriend is driving me up the wall. She keeps going through my text messages, asking me "who is this girl?", "who is this girl?", over and over! I don't need this. What do you propose?


Smothered in Springfield


Dear Smothered,

When the green eye of jealousy happens upon you, you have only two choices. Prove your trustworthiness, or bail. To settle things once and for all, grab your girlfriend and hit her

(continued at bottom)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Shark Tank,

My husband and I have come to a crossroads. We have two beautiful children, but I want one more. What can I say? I love babies, and I think our family would be truly complete with one more child. My husband thinks differently. He insists on wearing a condom and has begun to speak of a vasectomy. I really don't know what to do. Help?

Longing in Lincoln


Dear Longing,

Marital disputes over the size of the family are common. However, if you're financially stable and have a warm home to bring another child into, logic may be on your side. Here's what you do: gather up all of your husband's condoms, and then poke holes

(continued at bottom)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Angry in Alabama Continued)
from those delicious cheese crackers somehow. Honesty is always the best policy, but try not to be too blunt about it. You may find you attract more flies with honey than vinegar.

(Smothered in Springfield Continued)
with some blatant truths. Explain that those girls mean nothing to you and let her watch while you delete them from your contacts list. Secrecy destroys relationships by breeding mistrust. If she continues to snoop in the absence of any good reason, you may have to employ therapy.

(Longing in Lincoln Continued)

in the reasons he gives for not wanting another child. Not in a snarky, "I'm winning this argument" fashion, but in a persuasive, loving way. At the end of the discussion, hand him the condoms and ask him to throw them away. If you've handled it right, he may just come around after all.

For more sage advice, click here

3 comments:

Ambrosia said...

Nice...love the antici.......................................................................................................................................................................pation!

Carl said...

Love the Cheez-Its letter. "It's making the bed orange and it's making me red." Hahahahaha...

Shawn said...

@Ambrosia: thanks, we'll do the Time Warp sometime.

@Carl: Thanks, man, appreciate you checking out the site.