Greg Duberson's 4th of July Sale

[Even the Shark Tank has to pay the bills somehow, so for today's entry I'm turning the wheel over to Greg Duberson. Duberson is the "undisputed king of the 4th of July and also every holiday" and is here to tell you about some of the wonderful products he's selling this year. Take it away, Greg!]

GREG DUBERSON'S 4TH OF JULY BONANZA!!

Well guess what it's your old pal "the Dubes" here again with some great stuff for you to celabrate the 4th of July in style because if there's anything that we're talking about on this day it is INDEPENDENCE! That means we don't have to be afraid of terrorists or the british or also the guys who dress like girls.Because this is MAN'S BUSINESS and it's all about AMERICA! Want to have the time of your life then this is the place and I've got the goods! Let's SEE WHAT'S HERE!

AMERICAN FLAG TEE SHIRT!!



Now with this tee shirt that I designed myself with the help of some photo software you can be looking the part of a real patriot on this INDEPENDENCE DAY! Speaking of that, have you seen that movie? That's probably the best movie of all time if you ask me and if you want I've got a copy of that tape in my van and I might just play it while the sale is going on. I taped it off TV but I took out all the commercials and junk. $22.99


1776 MARBLES!!




I counted them myself which took me just about forever. You can't have the jar, but if you bring something to hold the marbles in I can just pour them out into whatever you bring. The reason you can't have the jar is because it belongs to my neighbor and he likes to keep stuff like insects and bats and stuff in it. I dont know what he's using to hold all that stuff while I'm using it for my marbles but I hope there's not a bat flying around in his house because it could bite him and then he might turn into a dracula. $9.50.


INDEPENDENCE DAY VIDEO!!




Aw, why the hell not. $7.75


ALOE PLANT!!



A lot of people like to set off fireworks themselves on the 4th of JULY I KNOW I DO! But if you're not careful you can burn yourself with one of those sparklers or even blow your hand plum off. I remember one time when I was just a young buck there was this kid named Danny Matthews and he lit a cherry bomb off and didn't get away fast enough. It didn't even hurt him at all but later that summer he got hit by a milk truck and it made him retarded. $35.00.


Well that's not all I got, but that's all I'm going to show you on this blog because we have to keep some things a SURPISE to make you want to come out and see the sale!!! I changed locations again, this time I'll be in the parking lot of Bok Tower Gardens in Lake Wales, Florida on Friday from 8:00 in the morning till whenever and the same thing on Saturday unless security kicks me out and then I'll be at the Hardees on state road 60.

I Checked The Engine. It's Still There.

I sat at the light, listening to the radio and wondering if Staind had ever, or would ever, come out with a song that didn't sound exactly like every other one of their songs, when I noticed an unpleasant orange glow coming from the dashboard. CHECK ENGINE. Oh jeezly shite, what now? Last I checked, I had $132 in my bank account. When taking into consideration the bills that needed to be paid in the coming week, I pegged my net balance at -$310. Not good. Not the time for car trouble.




I pulled over into the nearest Amoco station and got out of the car. How long had it been since my last oil change? Two months? Four months? Six? Eight? No! You're just counting by twos! Focus! I unlatched the hood and peered inside, unsure of what I might be looking for. Coolant level? Eh, I guess...that's...fine. Hmm, better check the oil. I did so, and it appeared to be low. Okay, then that was probably the problem. I would just buy a quart of Texas tea and everything would be all right. No need to panic.

I added the oil and slammed the hood down, pleased with myself for performing this complicated bit of DIY auto repair. I started the ignition and frowned at the CHECK ENGINE light, which was still burning bright, taunting me with its lack of decent information on how to proceed. Well, that was that. I would have to take it in. Perhaps I could talk the management of the dealership to accept one of the car seats as payment for services rendered.

"What seems to be the problem?" the gruff mechanic asked as I approached the Service counter of the Honda dealership.

"Well," I said, trying to muster all of the authority I could bring to bear from such a weak, un-knowledgeable position. "That, uh...that check engine light came on--heh--you know...cars."

He just stared at me.

"Anyway," I continued, "The check engine light came on, so I figured...better, uh, find out what's wrong."

He began typing some things into his computer, and I stood back, trying to convince myself he wasn't writing "Sucker: take for all we can get."

"What type of vehicle is it?"

"A, um, Honda Civic."

"Year."

I muttered a response.

"I'm sorry?"

"1993."

That's right, ladies.

I pretended he wasn't smirking as he noted the information.

"It's freezing in here," I mentioned.

"You think so?" he muttered, still typing.

"Yeah!" It was. You could have bred polar bears in this type of climate.

"Hmm." He stopped typing and looked directly at me. "I'm not freezing."

Okayyy then.

"We'll take a look," he said. "You can have a seat in the waiting room."

"Oh, there's something else," I said. "It's been making a weird rattling sound for some time. You know, like...rattle, rattle, clink...rattle, rattle, tonk. Like that."

I cleared my throat.

"We'll take a look."

I took my seat in the waiting room and watched "The Price is Right" for the next half hour, convinced that I had conveyed the sound without sacrificing my dignity.

If I had preserved any dignity, however, in explaining what was wrong with my car, it had been lost at some point between the time I sat down and the time the mechanic came back to retrieve me from the waiting room. Now there was not even a faint attempt to hide the smirk.

"Well, we found the problem," he said.

"Oh. Good."

"Loose gas cap. It happens."

"Wow, that makes the Check Engine light come on?"

He nodded, giving me a receipt that read "No charge".

"All right, well, I appreciate it. Oh, did you look into that rattling?"

At this point he turned his back to me, seemingly occupying himself with something at the back of the counter. I only realized later that he was probably trying to hide the fact that he was about to burst into laughing tears. His face was remarkably red when he finally turned back around. "Yes, we did. There was an empty Coke can in the backseat. It was rattling up against your...extensive...collection of cassettes."

"Mmm," I said, feeling both relieved and starkly unamused. I thought about informing this know-it-all that Warrant's Cherry Pie album was just as good in tape form as it was in MP-whatever-the-hell, but it didn't really seem worth it.

Next time, I'm ignoring that light.

Reference Letters! Get Your Fresh, Hot Reference Letters!

Well, job seekers, judging from the fact that unemployment numbers continue to rise, I might have been tempted to think my Interviewing Tips had gone unheeded. However, I now realize there could be another reason for this unfortunate turn of events. See, many employers walk into their job interviews with sparkling resumes, bright personalities, and plenty of thoughtful questions, only to find themselves turned away. Why is this? Because they don't have any references. They were summarily dismissed from their previous jobs, and their only friends exist on the other side of message board screennames. Have no fear, referenceless recluses, the Shark Tank is once again coming to your rescue!

I have written dozens of references for my friends and acquaintances, all of whom went on to get the job of their dreams. Don't believe me? Here are some testimonials:

"With Shawn's helpful reference letter, I was able to leave my low paying pharmaceutical sales job for a lively career in MLM marketing!"
Amy B.

"I thought I would never get a job. Employer after employer slammed the door in my face. Thanks to Shawn's reference letter, I was able to end my streak of bad luck and secure a job with Enron!"
Fred M.

This kind of success can be yours as well, dear reader. Here are a couple of sample letters I have written for applicants in the past, both of which were likely the deciding factor when it came to the subjects' obtainment of gainful employment.

To Whom It May Concern,

Let me tell you a little bit about my friend, Matt. He is loyal, honest, and trustworthy. When he pees in my bathroom, the house smells like vanilla for a week. He has been a family friend for some time and is the possible father to my two children. He is decisive and swift of action, as evidenced by the time he murdered a local game show host over a matter of a "fixed game". Having paid his debt to society over that little incident, I believe he would make a wonderful addition to your company.

Shawn

Here's another example.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I'm going to be honest here. I don't know if Janie is human or alien. I would say human, because she is friendly, hardworking, and she looks like a human. I would say alien because I had a dream several nights ago in which she removed her head only to reveal a grotesque alien head inside of that one. Approximately 9% of the time, I dream of things that come true later. That is just a fair warning, although I have never seen Janie exhibit alien behavior in real life.

Shawn

So if you're looking for a job, and you have an extra $933.12 laying around, feel free to send that money to me, and I'll hook you up with a reference letter that can't miss.

The Shark Tank's Guide To A Successful Job Interview

With the economy in shambles and unemployment hitting record highs, people are finding it tougher than ever to find a good job. With the month of June in full swing, and many a college graduate finding themselves in the job market for the first time, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to let the world in on my foolproof secrets of the mysterious job interview. Grab a pencil and take some notes, ye unemployed masses.

Attire
Most job interview articles will tell you to dress up, making sure you're dressed appropriately for the position. Pish posh, I say. Dress comfortably. What's that? You think I'm wrong and the other articles are right? Fine, dress up like you're going to Sunday Mass. You can wear your power suit while you're working your new career as a jizz mopper at one of New York's finest pornographic theaters.

Cleanup on aisle 4

Although I personally can't stand them, I would advise buying a pair of bright Crocs for your interview. They are wildly popular, meaning the chances are good that your interviewer will own a pair as well. This will give you something in common, and could be just the right icebreaker you need. Ladies, this goes without saying, but the more cleavage the better. In fact, wearing a bikini top will often get you the job before a single word is spoken. Please note that this doesn't apply if the interviewer is a heterosexual female, but the chances of that are stunningly unlikely.

Your Time Is Valuable
It's important to let your interviewer know that your time is as valuable as his. What's that? You think you're supposed to play the role of subservient young ingenue in your first interview? Well, you keep thinking that, and you can look forward to a ten month excursion to the foothills of the Himalayan mountains as the only job you can find is that of a goatherd.

Pictured: goats; you

The first trick is to arrive to the building a full thirty minutes late. This will set a tone for the entire interview. Let this executive know that when it comes to you, he doesn't pull the strings. You do. Throughout the course of the interview, make sure to check your watch and sigh in an exaggerated manner at least twice. If he asks you one of those smart ass questions like, "Am I keeping you from something?", simply answer with, "Don't you ever condescend to me, you son of a bitch."

The Opener
After making your late appearance, you'll need to solidify your dominance over your interviewer with a tasteless, preferably racist joke. What's that? You would never tell a racist joke, regardless of the reason? That's excellent. You can look forward to years of not telling racist jokes in your new job as urine-taster at the Mountain Dew factory in East Lansing, Michigan.

Please note: if you can direct the racist joke explicitly towards the race of the interviewer, all the better. The joke can be any one of your choosing, but the ones that portray a black person/Asian/Latino/etc. in a powerful position as a ridiculous, fantasy concept are the best. It cannot be overstated how much more appropriate these jokes are if you happen to be white.

Ask Questions
A wise man once said "If you don't ask, you'll never know." Truer words were never spoken. I recommend asking at least forty-five questions throughout your interview, regardless of their relevancy. What's that? You think that's going overboard? Well, the phrase "going overboard" is soon going to be very descriptive of your life, as you embark on your new job as Manatee Sex Therapist off the gulf coast of Florida.

My, someone's been doing their vaginal exercises.

Here are some questions you can ask your interviewer, turning them into the interviewee:

"Is the starting pay in the millions?"

"Pocket Ace-King suited. Do you go all in preflop?"

"When is it okay to show your co-workers your nude drawings of Abraham Lincoln?" (Actually, I just need some more feedback on this one.)

The Closer
There is only one appropriate way to close a successful interview if a job offer has not been proffered: Threaten the interviewer's life. Do it in a half-joking way, of course, but you'll want to maintain a certain look in your eye that suggests you just may not be joking. It goes like this:

Interviewer: Well, we'll be in touch.

You: If you don't give me this job, I'm going to come to your house, chop up your family, and then eat your brains for dinner (ha, ha, ha, ha)

But while you're both sharing a hearty laugh, catch the interviewer's eye. Practice your "I'm really not joking" face in the mirror for best results.

That's just about all there is to it. Please let me know what kinds of wild successes you have with your new interviewing style, and feel free to share any small percentage of your new salary with me as a token of your appreciation. You see, I've been unemployed for quite some time...any little bit helps.

A Thirst Too Great

The other day I was traveling down one of our great American highways, just enjoying the open road and the sounds of silence. As I passed a field of (non black and white) cows, I contemplated the fragility of life and the cycle of existence that has kept the human race going now for yea these many years. I wondered how long we would continue to exist. As a people. I thought about global warming, and whether or not I had been irresponsible in buying a coal powered vehicle w/ industrial strength smokestack. I pondered these things and others when suddenly I was overtaken by a powerful thirst. I needed a Slurpee.

It was peculiar--but not altogether unheard of--for my Slurpee jones to strike so suddenly and so ferociously. The problem: I was--according to my "7-11's of the Central Florida Area" handbook--nearly six miles away from the nearest Slurpee dispenser. I didn't think I could wait that long to quench the devil's parch that had settled into my throat. I would have to take drastic action.

An invaluable tool

My first order of business was to check the floorboards. There was a bottle of Coke under the backseat (next to the furnace). Unfortunately, there was none left in the bottle. I had drained it dry. Argggh, this terrible thirst! Why would it plague me so? I would give anything to be free of its maddening terrors.

That's when I noticed the ditch by the side of the road. It had rained for the past three days, and this rain had filled the ditch nearly to capacity with cool, clean water. Just the site of this oasis magnified my thirst a thousandfold. I had only two options. Wait, and take my chances with the far away 7-11, or drink from nature's goblet. I pulled off the highway and made the only decision I could.

As I knelt to my knees in front of the ditch, I noticed two things. One, the water was not nearly as clean as I had hoped. Bits of...stuff...floated in the water, and there were peculiar swirls in the water, as if a generous dollop of gasoline had been added to the mixture at some point. Two, someone had tossed a half-eaten Burger King cheeseburger out of their window and I would be damned if that wouldn't go perfectly with my reservoir.

Cautiously, I dipped my mouth to the ditch water and drank deeply. It tasted suspiciously like the juice that forms at the top of a long dormant jar of peanut butter, but it did the job. The cheeseburger was stiff and surprisingly crunchy, but it didn't taste too bad.

I rate this dining experience 17 stars out of a possible 23. WOULD DINE AGAIN.

Unrelated: Does anyone know any home remedies for E.Coli poisoning?

That Time I Went To The Nursing Home

I remember when I was nine years old I had to go to a nursing home for an afternoon. I was just walking down the halls of the place, minding my own business, when this old woman was all:





And so then I was like:





And she went:





And so I said:





And she came back with:






And that's when I was like:






And she was just:





Crazy old woman.

Good times. Good times, indeed.

When Is It Okay?

I was reading an article some time ago that was addressing some of the variations on one of the most common questions people have--namely, "When is it okay...?" The questions and answers were so common and generic, however, I found myself losing interest rather quickly. "When is it okay to lie?" "When is it okay to wear white?" "When is it okay to...to...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

I looked through the article, but I couldn't find any answers to the questions I found most pressing in my life. Knowing that the article was likely to be popular and recurring, I penned a list of ten questions in the same format and submitted them to the magazine. Well, it's been roughly a year and none of my questions have made it into the magazine. However, I still need answers! Therefore, I'm turning to you...the Internet...to help me find the answers I'm seeking.




Question #1: When is it okay to eat one of those dishwasher detergent cakes?

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Question #2: When is it okay to tell a department store clerk that you'd like to feel the inside of their pocket?

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Question #3: When is it okay to don a rainbow colored vest and skip through a public park?

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Question #4: When is it okay to use your finger to sample the salsa, rather than a chip?

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Question #5: When is it okay to tell people you saw a dinosaur in their laundry hamper?

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Question #6: When is it okay to poop in the shower?

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Question #7: When is it okay to show co-workers your nude drawings of Abraham Lincoln?

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Question #8: When is it okay to ask your father to change his name to Forrest Whitaker?

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Question #9: When is it okay to admit to a (possible) homicide (legally speaking)?

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Question #10: When is it okay to punch an otter?


Help me, Obi-Wan Commenters. You're my only hope.

Hollywood VS Your Wallet

Versus movies were all the rage back in the fifties and sixties, and as Hollywood experiences a drought of original ideas, they're making a comeback. The straightforward remake (or, as filmmakers like to call them these days, reimaginings) is always on the table in this dire situation, but endless remakes have begun to turn the general public off. The simple way around that? Take two popular heroes or villains from different franchises and pit them against each other in a whole new movie. Alien vs Predator, Freddy vs Jason, Me vs That Guy Who Won't Shut Up Two Rows Back...the possibilities are limitless.

Of course, as with anything else, Hollywood has to take it one step too far. While at the theater for Star Trek (another...reimagining) the other night, I couldn't help but notice the lobby was filled with upcoming "Versus" movies and, while some of them look intriguing, others...well, take a look for yourself:





















Ah, who am I kidding? I'll go see all of them.