04 June 2010

I Hate You, City Bus

Finding yourself caught in traffic behind a city bus is a special dimension of hell. Has this ever happened to you? The answer is no, because you would still be behind it right now. There's no getting around the bus. And if your town is anything like mine, there is a bus stop approximately every 3.4 feet. There's not even any space between the benches, they're just linked together like seats in a sporting arena. And should you be traveling behind one of these buses, you can rest assured that it will stop at every single one of these stops.

Pictured: Five separate bus stops

I found myself trapped behind one of these mechanical tortoises the other day. I didn't really catch on to my own predicament until the bus had made three consecutive pickups, all within the span of a single Safelite Auto Glass commercial. I watched as a man I wouldn't have suspected would have the money for bus fare shambled on to the bus, leaving a trail of dust behind him.

With every bench the bus stopped at, I grew more and more frustrated, all of my increasing anger directed at the riders, none of whom were in any hurry to get on the bus. And when I get angry in traffic, I start calling people names, some of which make little to no sense in hindsight.

Bus Stop #1
"Oh come on. We don't have all day, Dirty Wellerbee."

Bus Stop #2
"For the love of Baby Jesus, will you get on the bus already, Crackerjack Cowboob?"

Bus Stop #3
"Here we go. Prince Abdul ShitAss of the turtle fucking tribe of East Pedoville, Ohio is going to take his sweet time getting on the bus."

I could feel my blood pressure soaring to previously unexplored heights as the bus made stop after stop and my attempts to pass in the other lane were consistently thwarted by what could only be a choreographed effort from other asshole drivers. I'm not exaggerating when I say that literally everyone on the road was able to pass except for me. In fact, I'm pretty sure people saw the scene from their houses and stopped whatever they were doing just so they could rush out, get in their cars, and contribute to the campaign to keep me awash in black exhaust for the rest of my life.

"Dude, get over to Brower Street. We've got this dumbass trapped behind the bus. It's awesome!"

I looked at the clock on the dashboard and realized that if I never passed this bus, my arrival home would coincide with the next appearance of Haley's Comet. I had to make a decision. Passing on the left was an impossibility, and there were no side streets coming up for the foreseeable future. I decided to take my chances and simply pass on the right. I thought that with a little luck I would only have to drive through three private residential yards before returning to the road, successfully having thwarted the bus and securing my name in the annals of the Highway Hall of Fame.

I went for it.

One yard, two yards, shit I just ran over a little kid's 3 wheeler, three yards, and...damn.

There was a cop directly in front of the bus. He did not hesitate to flash on his lights and pull me over (which actually consisted of me pulling back into the road in this instance). I watched helplessly as he took my driver's license and cut it in two pieces right in front of me. My irritation at this turn of events grew even greater when I noticed the ease with which the bus was able to pass both of us.

So now, I'm forced to take the bus myself. I try to get up from the bench and climb into my public chariot as quickly as possible, but I've noticed more than a few apoplectic drivers doubtlessly calling me names that would get you thrown off network television. I want to tell them to calm down. Everything's going to be okay. You can't fight City Hall, and you can't fight the city bus.


woman:confused said...

That is the absolute WORST!
I don't know why, but I couldn't resist eeking out a small giggle at your misery.
Sorry about that.
Chalk it up to you having a sense of humor and presenting material in a funny way :)

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

"Mechanical tortoises." Awesome.

We don't have too many city buses here in Hickville, but we do have a lot of old people who can't see over their dashboard. Pretty much the same effect.

foxy said...

You're right... someone called me and said exactly that. And then I drive over to where you were and drove slowly past while laughing maniacally. Did you see me? I should've waved, dammit.

Anonymous said...

Crackerjack Cowboob?


Another Shark Tank classic.


Shawn said...

Confused: I understand, but don't let it happen again. Laughing is strictly prohibited here.

Chris: Women of any age, really. Oops, that was just supposed to be in my head.

Foxy: I knew it! Thanks for confirming my suspicions.

Quirky: It seemed incredibly appropriate at the time.

Anonymous said...

The only buses that we have around here are school buses,and thankfully after next week they won't be on the roads for awhile!

Candice said...

I pretty much have a road rage incient every time I hop behind the wheel.

I feel your pain.

In fact, I've decided that basically everyone but me is incapable of driving worth a shit.

Cassie said...

OMG, so true. Just the other day I was stuck behind a bus, and of course, it had to use its hydrolics to lower it down so the old-folk could get aboard. Not once, not twice, but three friggin times. THREE TIMES! So that's more than just waiting for some poor schmuck to climb on the damn thing, I had to wait for it to lower, climb aboard, raise, close it's little doors and sputter off. GAA!

Gorilla Bananas said...

This is why befriending an orangutan can be helpful. They have no fear of policemen.

Unfinished Rambler said...

Ha ha. I love in the country and don't have to deal with buses...uh oh, wait a minute, I have to deal with tractors. You think you have a problem with buses? Try tractors, dude. They are the absolute worst, and I mean, absolute worst, especially when they're carrying...ahem..."honey" in their "honeywagons."

mama-face said...

hahaha. It's a race around here to see who can spot the bus ahead first and get past it.

I love your insulting names; although I never stick around long enough to see who's getting on the bus.

This also reminded me of riding the bus in Mexico. It stopped every two feet; no official bus stops anywhere. Cars passed whichever way they wanted. hmmm...

Shawn said...

Thinkin: School buses may be even worse. The whole stopping at the railroad tracks...ridiculous.

Candice: Yeah I know the feeling. It doesn't help that everyone's gotten ultra aggressive on the road.

Cassie: Oh when I see the hydraulics going down I just get out of my car and walk, like Michael Douglas in Falling Down.

Gorilla: I am going to make that my top priority moving forward.

Rambler: I'm not even sure I want to know what that means.

Mama-face: They have cars in Mexico?

Eric said...

Stupid busses with their stupid hydraulic sounds mocking you at every stop.

Shawn said...

Eric: I know! It sounds like Darth Vader taking his mask off. Except the bus never has the dignity to die and turn into the blue ghost of Hayden Christensen.

George said...

Sad tale, m'friend. I'm glad that the buses around my town know to get out of the motorists' way or there will be some serious road rage. :)

Shawn said...

George: You are extremely lucky. Hopefully this bus behavior will not soon infect your town.