03 July 2009

Greg Duberson's 4th of July Sale

[Even the Shark Tank has to pay the bills somehow, so for today's entry I'm turning the wheel over to Greg Duberson. Duberson is the "undisputed king of the 4th of July and also every holiday" and is here to tell you about some of the wonderful products he's selling this year. Take it away, Greg!]


Well guess what it's your old pal "the Dubes" here again with some great stuff for you to celabrate the 4th of July in style because if there's anything that we're talking about on this day it is INDEPENDENCE! That means we don't have to be afraid of terrorists or the british or also the guys who dress like girls.Because this is MAN'S BUSINESS and it's all about AMERICA! Want to have the time of your life then this is the place and I've got the goods! Let's SEE WHAT'S HERE!


Now with this tee shirt that I designed myself with the help of some photo software you can be looking the part of a real patriot on this INDEPENDENCE DAY! Speaking of that, have you seen that movie? That's probably the best movie of all time if you ask me and if you want I've got a copy of that tape in my van and I might just play it while the sale is going on. I taped it off TV but I took out all the commercials and junk. $22.99

1776 MARBLES!!

I counted them myself which took me just about forever. You can't have the jar, but if you bring something to hold the marbles in I can just pour them out into whatever you bring. The reason you can't have the jar is because it belongs to my neighbor and he likes to keep stuff like insects and bats and stuff in it. I dont know what he's using to hold all that stuff while I'm using it for my marbles but I hope there's not a bat flying around in his house because it could bite him and then he might turn into a dracula. $9.50.


Aw, why the hell not. $7.75


A lot of people like to set off fireworks themselves on the 4th of JULY I KNOW I DO! But if you're not careful you can burn yourself with one of those sparklers or even blow your hand plum off. I remember one time when I was just a young buck there was this kid named Danny Matthews and he lit a cherry bomb off and didn't get away fast enough. It didn't even hurt him at all but later that summer he got hit by a milk truck and it made him retarded. $35.00.

Well that's not all I got, but that's all I'm going to show you on this blog because we have to keep some things a SURPISE to make you want to come out and see the sale!!! I changed locations again, this time I'll be in the parking lot of Bok Tower Gardens in Lake Wales, Florida on Friday from 8:00 in the morning till whenever and the same thing on Saturday unless security kicks me out and then I'll be at the Hardees on state road 60.

01 July 2009

I Checked The Engine. It's Still There.

I sat at the light, listening to the radio and wondering if Staind had ever, or would ever, come out with a song that didn't sound exactly like every other one of their songs, when I noticed an unpleasant orange glow coming from the dashboard. CHECK ENGINE. Oh jeezly shite, what now? Last I checked, I had $132 in my bank account. When taking into consideration the bills that needed to be paid in the coming week, I pegged my net balance at -$310. Not good. Not the time for car trouble.

I pulled over into the nearest Amoco station and got out of the car. How long had it been since my last oil change? Two months? Four months? Six? Eight? No! You're just counting by twos! Focus! I unlatched the hood and peered inside, unsure of what I might be looking for. Coolant level? Eh, I guess...that's...fine. Hmm, better check the oil. I did so, and it appeared to be low. Okay, then that was probably the problem. I would just buy a quart of Texas tea and everything would be all right. No need to panic.

I added the oil and slammed the hood down, pleased with myself for performing this complicated bit of DIY auto repair. I started the ignition and frowned at the CHECK ENGINE light, which was still burning bright, taunting me with its lack of decent information on how to proceed. Well, that was that. I would have to take it in. Perhaps I could talk the management of the dealership to accept one of the car seats as payment for services rendered.

"What seems to be the problem?" the gruff mechanic asked as I approached the Service counter of the Honda dealership.

"Well," I said, trying to muster all of the authority I could bring to bear from such a weak, un-knowledgeable position. "That, uh...that check engine light came on--heh--you know...cars."

He just stared at me.

"Anyway," I continued, "The check engine light came on, so I figured...better, uh, find out what's wrong."

He began typing some things into his computer, and I stood back, trying to convince myself he wasn't writing "Sucker: take for all we can get."

"What type of vehicle is it?"

"A, um, Honda Civic."


I muttered a response.

"I'm sorry?"


That's right, ladies.

I pretended he wasn't smirking as he noted the information.

"It's freezing in here," I mentioned.

"You think so?" he muttered, still typing.

"Yeah!" It was. You could have bred polar bears in this type of climate.

"Hmm." He stopped typing and looked directly at me. "I'm not freezing."

Okayyy then.

"We'll take a look," he said. "You can have a seat in the waiting room."

"Oh, there's something else," I said. "It's been making a weird rattling sound for some time. You know, like...rattle, rattle, clink...rattle, rattle, tonk. Like that."

I cleared my throat.

"We'll take a look."

I took my seat in the waiting room and watched "The Price is Right" for the next half hour, convinced that I had conveyed the sound without sacrificing my dignity.

If I had preserved any dignity, however, in explaining what was wrong with my car, it had been lost at some point between the time I sat down and the time the mechanic came back to retrieve me from the waiting room. Now there was not even a faint attempt to hide the smirk.

"Well, we found the problem," he said.

"Oh. Good."

"Loose gas cap. It happens."

"Wow, that makes the Check Engine light come on?"

He nodded, giving me a receipt that read "No charge".

"All right, well, I appreciate it. Oh, did you look into that rattling?"

At this point he turned his back to me, seemingly occupying himself with something at the back of the counter. I only realized later that he was probably trying to hide the fact that he was about to burst into laughing tears. His face was remarkably red when he finally turned back around. "Yes, we did. There was an empty Coke can in the backseat. It was rattling up against your...extensive...collection of cassettes."

"Mmm," I said, feeling both relieved and starkly unamused. I thought about informing this know-it-all that Warrant's Cherry Pie album was just as good in tape form as it was in MP-whatever-the-hell, but it didn't really seem worth it.

Next time, I'm ignoring that light.

24 June 2009

Reference Letters! Get Your Fresh, Hot Reference Letters!

Well, job seekers, judging from the fact that unemployment numbers continue to rise, I might have been tempted to think my Interviewing Tips had gone unheeded. However, I now realize there could be another reason for this unfortunate turn of events. See, many employers walk into their job interviews with sparkling resumes, bright personalities, and plenty of thoughtful questions, only to find themselves turned away. Why is this? Because they don't have any references. They were summarily dismissed from their previous jobs, and their only friends exist on the other side of message board screennames. Have no fear, referenceless recluses, the Shark Tank is once again coming to your rescue!

I have written dozens of references for my friends and acquaintances, all of whom went on to get the job of their dreams. Don't believe me? Here are some testimonials:

"With Shawn's helpful reference letter, I was able to leave my low paying pharmaceutical sales job for a lively career in MLM marketing!"
Amy B.

"I thought I would never get a job. Employer after employer slammed the door in my face. Thanks to Shawn's reference letter, I was able to end my streak of bad luck and secure a job with Enron!"
Fred M.

This kind of success can be yours as well, dear reader. Here are a couple of sample letters I have written for applicants in the past, both of which were likely the deciding factor when it came to the subjects' obtainment of gainful employment.

To Whom It May Concern,

Let me tell you a little bit about my friend, Matt. He is loyal, honest, and trustworthy. When he pees in my bathroom, the house smells like vanilla for a week. He has been a family friend for some time and is the possible father to my two children. He is decisive and swift of action, as evidenced by the time he murdered a local game show host over a matter of a "fixed game". Having paid his debt to society over that little incident, I believe he would make a wonderful addition to your company.

Here's another example.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I'm going to be honest here. I don't know if Janie is human or alien. I would say human, because she is friendly, hardworking, and she looks like a human. I would say alien because I had a dream several nights ago in which she removed her head only to reveal a grotesque alien head inside of that one. Approximately 9% of the time, I dream of things that come true later. That is just a fair warning, although I have never seen Janie exhibit alien behavior in real life.


So if you're looking for a job, and you have an extra $933.12 laying around, feel free to send that money to me, and I'll hook you up with a reference letter that can't miss.

17 June 2009

The Shark Tank's Guide To A Successful Job Interview

With the economy in shambles and unemployment hitting record highs, people are finding it tougher than ever to find a good job. With the month of June in full swing, and many a college graduate finding themselves in the job market for the first time, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to let the world in on my foolproof secrets of the mysterious job interview. Grab a pencil and take some notes, ye unemployed masses.

Most job interview articles will tell you to dress up, making sure you're dressed appropriately for the position. Pish posh, I say. Dress comfortably. What's that? You think I'm wrong and the other articles are right? Fine, dress up like you're going to Sunday Mass. You can wear your power suit while you're working your new career as a jizz mopper at one of New York's finest pornographic theaters.

Cleanup on aisle 4

Although I personally can't stand them, I would advise buying a pair of bright Crocs for your interview. They are wildly popular, meaning the chances are good that your interviewer will own a pair as well. This will give you something in common, and could be just the right icebreaker you need. Ladies, this goes without saying, but the more cleavage the better. In fact, wearing a bikini top will often get you the job before a single word is spoken. Please note that this doesn't apply if the interviewer is a heterosexual female, but the chances of that are stunningly unlikely.

Your Time Is Valuable
It's important to let your interviewer know that your time is as valuable as his. What's that? You think you're supposed to play the role of subservient young ingenue in your first interview? Well, you keep thinking that, and you can look forward to a ten month excursion to the foothills of the Himalayan mountains as the only job you can find is that of a goatherd.

Pictured: goats; you

The first trick is to arrive to the building a full thirty minutes late. This will set a tone for the entire interview. Let this executive know that when it comes to you, he doesn't pull the strings. You do. Throughout the course of the interview, make sure to check your watch and sigh in an exaggerated manner at least twice. If he asks you one of those smart ass questions like, "Am I keeping you from something?", simply answer with, "Don't you ever condescend to me, you son of a bitch."

The Opener
After making your late appearance, you'll need to solidify your dominance over your interviewer with a tasteless, preferably racist joke. What's that? You would never tell a racist joke, regardless of the reason? That's excellent. You can look forward to years of not telling racist jokes in your new job as urine-taster at the Mountain Dew factory in East Lansing, Michigan.

Please note: if you can direct the racist joke explicitly towards the race of the interviewer, all the better. The joke can be any one of your choosing, but the ones that portray a black person/Asian/Latino/etc. in a powerful position as a ridiculous, fantasy concept are the best. It cannot be overstated how much more appropriate these jokes are if you happen to be white.

Ask Questions
A wise man once said "If you don't ask, you'll never know." Truer words were never spoken. I recommend asking at least forty-five questions throughout your interview, regardless of their relevancy. What's that? You think that's going overboard? Well, the phrase "going overboard" is soon going to be very descriptive of your life, as you embark on your new job as Manatee Sex Therapist off the gulf coast of Florida.

My, someone's been doing their vaginal exercises.

Here are some questions you can ask your interviewer, turning them into the interviewee:

"Is the starting pay in the millions?"

"Pocket Ace-King suited. Do you go all in preflop?"

"When is it okay to show your co-workers your nude drawings of Abraham Lincoln?" (Actually, I just need some more feedback on this one.)

The Closer
There is only one appropriate way to close a successful interview if a job offer has not been proffered: Threaten the interviewer's life. Do it in a half-joking way, of course, but you'll want to maintain a certain look in your eye that suggests you just may not be joking. It goes like this:

Interviewer: Well, we'll be in touch.

You: If you don't give me this job, I'm going to come to your house, chop up your family, and then eat your brains for dinner (ha, ha, ha, ha)

But while you're both sharing a hearty laugh, catch the interviewer's eye. Practice your "I'm really not joking" face in the mirror for best results.

That's just about all there is to it. Please let me know what kinds of wild successes you have with your new interviewing style, and feel free to share any small percentage of your new salary with me as a token of your appreciation. You see, I've been unemployed for quite some time...any little bit helps.

15 June 2009

A Thirst Too Great

The other day I was traveling down one of our great American highways, just enjoying the open road and the sounds of silence. As I passed a field of (non black and white) cows, I contemplated the fragility of life and the cycle of existence that has kept the human race going now for yea these many years. I wondered how long we would continue to exist. As a people. I thought about global warming, and whether or not I had been irresponsible in buying a coal powered vehicle w/ industrial strength smokestack. I pondered these things and others when suddenly I was overtaken by a powerful thirst. I needed a Slurpee.

It was peculiar--but not altogether unheard of--for my Slurpee jones to strike so suddenly and so ferociously. The problem: I was--according to my "7-11's of the Central Florida Area" handbook--nearly six miles away from the nearest Slurpee dispenser. I didn't think I could wait that long to quench the devil's parch that had settled into my throat. I would have to take drastic action.

An invaluable tool

My first order of business was to check the floorboards. There was a bottle of Coke under the backseat (next to the furnace). Unfortunately, there was none left in the bottle. I had drained it dry. Argggh, this terrible thirst! Why would it plague me so? I would give anything to be free of its maddening terrors.

That's when I noticed the ditch by the side of the road. It had rained for the past three days, and this rain had filled the ditch nearly to capacity with cool, clean water. Just the site of this oasis magnified my thirst a thousandfold. I had only two options. Wait, and take my chances with the far away 7-11, or drink from nature's goblet. I pulled off the highway and made the only decision I could.

As I knelt to my knees in front of the ditch, I noticed two things. One, the water was not nearly as clean as I had hoped. Bits of...stuff...floated in the water, and there were peculiar swirls in the water, as if a generous dollop of gasoline had been added to the mixture at some point. Two, someone had tossed a half-eaten Burger King cheeseburger out of their window and I would be damned if that wouldn't go perfectly with my reservoir.

Cautiously, I dipped my mouth to the ditch water and drank deeply. It tasted suspiciously like the juice that forms at the top of a long dormant jar of peanut butter, but it did the job. The cheeseburger was stiff and surprisingly crunchy, but it didn't taste too bad.

I rate this dining experience 17 stars out of a possible 23. WOULD DINE AGAIN.

Unrelated: Does anyone know any home remedies for E.Coli poisoning?

12 June 2009

That Time I Went To The Nursing Home

I remember when I was nine years old I had to go to a nursing home for an afternoon. I was just walking down the halls of the place, minding my own business, when this old woman was all:

And so then I was like:

And she went:

And so I said:

And she came back with:

And that's when I was like:

And she was just:

Crazy old woman.

Good times. Good times, indeed.

10 June 2009

When Is It Okay?

I was reading an article some time ago that was addressing some of the variations on one of the most common questions people have--namely, "When is it okay...?" The questions and answers were so common and generic, however, I found myself losing interest rather quickly. "When is it okay to lie?" "When is it okay to wear white?" "When is it okay to...to...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

I looked through the article, but I couldn't find any answers to the questions I found most pressing in my life. Knowing that the article was likely to be popular and recurring, I penned a list of ten questions in the same format and submitted them to the magazine. Well, it's been roughly a year and none of my questions have made it into the magazine. However, I still need answers! Therefore, I'm turning to you...the Internet...to help me find the answers I'm seeking.

Question #1: When is it okay to eat one of those dishwasher detergent cakes?


Question #2: When is it okay to tell a department store clerk that you'd like to feel the inside of their pocket?


Question #3: When is it okay to don a rainbow colored vest and skip through a public park?


Question #4: When is it okay to use your finger to sample the salsa, rather than a chip?

Question #5: When is it okay to tell people you saw a dinosaur in their laundry hamper?

Question #6: When is it okay to poop in the shower?


Question #7: When is it okay to show co-workers your nude drawings of Abraham Lincoln?

Question #8: When is it okay to ask your father to change his name to Forrest Whitaker?


Question #9: When is it okay to admit to a (possible) homicide (legally speaking)?

Question #10: When is it okay to punch an otter?

Help me, Obi-Wan Commenters. You're my only hope.

08 June 2009

Hollywood VS Your Wallet

Versus movies were all the rage back in the fifties and sixties, and as Hollywood experiences a drought of original ideas, they're making a comeback. The straightforward remake (or, as filmmakers like to call them these days, reimaginings) is always on the table in this dire situation, but endless remakes have begun to turn the general public off. The simple way around that? Take two popular heroes or villains from different franchises and pit them against each other in a whole new movie. Alien vs Predator, Freddy vs Jason, Me vs That Guy Who Won't Shut Up Two Rows Back...the possibilities are limitless.

Of course, as with anything else, Hollywood has to take it one step too far. While at the theater for Star Trek (another...reimagining) the other night, I couldn't help but notice the lobby was filled with upcoming "Versus" movies and, while some of them look intriguing, others...well, take a look for yourself:

Ah, who am I kidding? I'll go see all of them.

04 June 2009

Mythical Creatures

I don't know about you, but I'm getting a little tired of people going on and on about mythical creatures as if they were real. No, I'm not talking about unicorns and dragons. I'm not even talking about cryptids such as the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot. I'm talking about animals that everyone walks around, pretending that they really exist, when they know full well that they do not. Here are some examples:

The Black and White Cow

This creature was originally introduced into our culture through Elmer's Glue. Glue and cows aren't related in the least (in fact, they should have used a horse), and thus Elmer's had to invent a possible connection. Their solution? Take a black cow and make it look as though it had accidentally spilled glue all over itself. Instantly, the black and white cow was born. Now you see them in everything from milk commercials to Chic-Fil-A ads to cartoons. But you know one place you'll never see them? In real life.

The Duck Billed Platypus

I used to get a lot of enjoyment out of the DB Platy. What a fun animal, I thought. 50% duck, 50% beaver, 100% awesome. Then when I learned that it had venomous claws...well that just made it ten times as amazing. It was more than a simple animal. It was a Super Animal, like a dinosaur. But much like dinosaurs, the DB Platypus never really existed. Well? Have you ever seen one in real life? No, you haven't. Not even in a zoo.

The Panda

What is about the black and white coloring that draws people to make up these animals and then pretend that they are real? I'm convinced there's some connection to the Rorschach test, but I'll save that theory for another day. The panda is one of the cutest animals in the world, if only it was actually in the world. You can tell the powers that be are growing nervous about the cat escaping el baggo on this one, as they are starting to warn people that the panda is going extinct. Here is wisdom: anytime you hear about a creature that's about to go extinct? That probably means it never existed in the first place.

Suspected to be fake, but not confirmed: king cobra, octopus, three-toed sloth, tauntaun, and goat.

02 June 2009

An Experiment in Science

For the past few weeks I've found little time to keep up with this blog, follow my favorite television shows, or read more than a few pages of a book. The reason for this distraction? My foray into the wonderful world of science. I've always been a bit of an amateur scientist, but my latest obsession has taken this to a whole new level. What follows is a documentation of my experiment, which I believe will be of keen interest to both the scientific community and the world at large. Please enjoy the scientific method, in all its glory.

Step One: Ask a Question

The question, to my mind, was this: How do I provide myself with the extraordinary amount of macaroni and cheese that I require without going broke in the process?

Step Two: Do Background Research

I had a few options, it seemed. I could simply begin shopping for macaroni and cheese at the dollar store. I could buy cheaper brands and sacrifice taste in the name of saving a few pennies. I could try to wean myself from my macaroni and cheese addiction. None of these seemed particularly viable. However, Googling "How to save on groceries" led me to several websites that recommended growing my own food. Hmmm, now we were on to something.

Step Three: Construct a Hypothesis

My hypothesis was simply this: I could plant some Velveeta Shells and Cheese in the backyard, and with care and love I would soon have a macaroni and cheese tree.

Step Four: Test Your Hypothesis

I made up a batch of shells and cheese (which, yes, I understand is not macaroni by definition, but it is the prime example of its form) and scooped it out into a bowl. I poured a cold glass of Coke and sat down to watch Click on the FX network. Around the time Adam Sandler gets the universal remote control from Christopher Walken, I had finished the meal. Son of a bitch! That had been my planting macaroni, not my eating macaroni. I went back into the kitchen and made a new batch, missing the funny parts of the movie in the process.

This time I remained on task and took my bowl of shells and cheese out to the backyard. I dug a shallow hole and placed the steaming bowl of macaroni goodness in the center of the plot. Feeling a little twinge of regret, I covered the macaroni up with dirt and then nodded approvingly at my handiwork. Soon, my mac and cheese addiction would no longer be looked at as "strange" or "unhealthy", but rather regarded as the catalyst for one of the world's great discoveries.

Step Five: Draw a Conclusion

The macaroni and cheese tree experiment was an utter failure. After four patient weeks, I realized no tree was going to grow. I dug up my bowl, only now realizing what a dumb idea it had been to begin with. I briefly considered eating the remnants of my seedlings, but I couldn't tell the worms from the shells.

Adding insult to injury, Blake Osgood was selling macaroni and cheese at the flea market Sunday at an exceptionally low price. Blake Osgood is my arch enemy, however, so I didn't buy any.

29 May 2009

Product Review: Vtech CS111 Cell Phone

Well, there's no two ways around it: this cell phone is a piece of shit. While it works decently inside the house, I found it had an extraordinarily short range. In fact, I counted how many steps away from my driveway I could take before the connection cut out. 42. Forty two measly steps. Meanwhile, my friend's Motorola can get reception all over town. All over the state, in fact. He asked me what network I was on, but I don't even really understand all of that network mumbo-jumbo. I have phone service through Verizon, though. I guess that's what he means. Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? No, I can't, because this cell phone isn't worth the cheap plastic that was used to put it together. Avoid at all costs. Zero stars out of a possible 349.

27 May 2009

True History: The Mona Lisa

There are some things in life and art that are plainly obvious to both the creator and the spectator. No one's looking for hidden meaning in Transformers or the cover of a Cheerios box (although...). Then there are those pieces of richly layered art which may seem obvious, but in reality have guarded their true secrets under a fine facade. It's time to scratch beneath the surface of one such painting and reveal, finally, its true history.

The Mona Lisa

Leonardo da Vinci's masterpiece has been hailed as the greatest painting ever put to canvas by more than one art critic, but they have failed to bring to light the true mysteries behind this mysterious girl. Art lover and layman alike have burdened themselves with the question: what is she smiling about?, but that is simply a piece of misdirection, masterfully laid in place by Leonardo himself. You thought there were secrets hidden in The Last Supper? No, no. Here is where the secrets lie.

You see, what many people don't know is that Leonardo da Vinci was Italian. As in, he was actually from Italy, a place of evil and darkness. In the 16th century, as today, Italy was rife with two things: spaghetti and the Mafia. Leonardo da Vinci invented the former and was a prominent member of the latter, rising as far as consigliere in the De Luca family before being gunned down at an abandoned warehouse for selling heroin to the mulanyans in south central Rome, expressly against Don De Luca's wishes.

Mona Lisa, whose real name was Lisa del Giacondo, was in reality the wife of powerful silk merchant "Big Joe" Giacondo, with whom the De Luca crime syndicate had extraordinary bad blood, due to some matters involving six goats and a shipment of cocktail dresses that "should have never made it off the truck". While most of his compatriots in the Family regarded Leonardo's painting as something to be endured, rather than celebrated (or, as one high ranking member put it: "pure faggotry"), he was well known in the greater community as a wonderful artist. It was this reputation that brought Big Joe to commission Leonardo to paint his daughter, with the secret hopes that Leonardo would be wiled by her charm, fall in love, and his problems with the Family would disappear.

Unfortunately for Giacondo, when Don de Luca heard about the painting, he insisted Leonardo play a trick. You see, in that era there was no greater insult to a woman than to suggest she had no eyebrows. Strange, but true. The boss commanded that Leonardo paint Giacondo's daughter perfectly, but leave off the eyebrows. The insult would be felt throughout generations of Italians, and it would be sweeter revenge than any bloodshed could possibly bring.

Though reluctantly, Leonardo did as his Don instructed. To his surprise, however, by the time he had finished the painting, de Luca had grown bored of waiting, had fitted both Giacondo and his daughter with cement shoes, and relocated them to a watery grave at the bottom of the Mediterranean. The painting, however, went on to become an enormous success, as people from all over gathered to gaze in wonder at the Mona Lisa, which meant, literally, "Lisa, of bare eyebrow".

22 May 2009

Frank Wilson Wants To Save Your Soul

[The Shark Tank is happy to welcome local preacher, the Reverend Frank Wilson. Frank is having some difficulties raising funds towards building his own church, and I told him it would be just fine if he were to write a post to get the word out. As well as The Word.]

Thanks for coming to read my words here, friends and family. Though this is a sinful blog, I'm not like other preachers who are too good to share the gospel with the unwashed masses. A lot of clergymen think that they can fulfill themselves just by preaching to the converted, but not I. I like to get down in the dirt and scratch around. And I can't think of any dirtier people than those in my community and those that read this website.

Any of you reading this should go and get a loved one, especially if you have a child. Have them read my words along with you and read it to them if they can't read it for themselves. Jesus said "To read it yourself is to believe it with all of your heart" and I think that's true. And you will believe my words.

You see, most of you are doomed to Hell. It says in Mary 12:29, "Thou arte probably going to Hell". It doesn't say "maybe" or "perhaps". It says probably. That means it's more likely than not. I'll wait while you read this to your child. If your child doesn't know what Hell is, you should read them this passage from Elkwinds 4:13:02, "Hell is a terrible place where children are burned with fire and then beaten with hammers and then bamboo shoots are forced under their fingernails and then they are bodyslammed." Does that sound like the place you want to spend eternity? No, me neither.

Phurlucians 11:93 states, "If ever someone comes to you asking for money to start a church and thouest say no to them, then thou shalt surely be eaten by a werewolf." This is nothing to play around with. But there are ways around it. Because I'm starting a church. And I need some startup capital. Therefore, you really have a choice to make, and you know the consequences are dire for making the wrong choice.

It's like the story of the Devil and the Lamb. Paraphrased from the gospel of Levinthite: Once there was a lamb. A big lion came and asked him for money to spend on foolish things. The lamb said no. But then the Devil laughed and ate the lamb, because the Devil was hungry. The lion then tried to eat both the Devil and the lamb inside the Devil's stomach, but the Devil put the Cruciatus Curse on the lion and the lion soon died.

Send donations through Paypal @ Frank Wilson:Reverend of the Frank Wilson@ Church @ Frank Wilson's Church fund.doc (Thanks to Shawn for setting up my email).

20 May 2009

2 Sides 2 A Story: Would a Baby Make a Good President?

Side 1: A Baby Would Make a Terrible President
by Jack Lerner, Editor-in-Chief, Politics and Power

In the U.S. Constitution, it is written than a person shall be 35 years old and a natural born citizen to be considered for the Presidency. Some have suggested these rules are outmoded and ripe for amendment. They say this in the hopes of one day electing Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or with the spurious reasoning that there are brilliant young minds out there that may become corrupted and dull with the years. These reasons I can abide. But what I cannot abide--what I will NEVER stand for--is the small but vocal minority of voters who believe the time has come to elect a newborn baby President of the United States.

Simply put, electing an infant as President would be a disaster in every sense and definition of the word. Think back to when you were a baby, if you can. Were you competent enough to run a country at the age of zero? Are the babies you know capable of such a thing? Highly doubtful.

If being President meant spitting up on a bib, drinking milk from a warmed bottle, and chewing on a pacifier, then by all means. But that is not what the Presidency is about. It is about wisdom, leadership, and charisma. You show me the smartest baby in the world and I will show you a person who has none of those characteristics.

Please, for the sake of the country, a baby should never be sent to the White House.

Side 2: A Baby Would Make a Wonderful President
by Jayden Adams, Age 6 months

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15 May 2009

Things Found in the Chuck E Cheese Ball Pit

When I was a kid, Chuck-E-Cheese was the place to go. You wanted great pizza? Check. How about all the arcade games you could ever want? Got it. Wait, you still haven't satisfied your need for people in oversized animal costumes? Well, they have that, too. From what I've heard, today's version of Chuck-E-Cheese is light on arcade games and fun, and heavy on parents getting sloshed while their stupid kids wander around wasting tokens on those retarded redemption games. Anyway, in honor of the greatness that used to be Chucksters, here's a brand new pie chart.
Maybe you better just build your own.

12 May 2009

Wikipedia Gets a Bad Rap

Whenever I'm doing research, find myself bored of playing Donkey Kong, or simply want to know more about a particular subject, I turn to Wikipedia for my answers. Chock full of information and covering almost every pertinent subject known to man, the Wiki is a one stop shop for expanding the mind and wasting away valuable hours. A lot of people say Wikipedia is a veritable fountain of misinformation, but I'm here to say: I think Wikipedia gets a bad rap!

Where else could I readily learn that Disney threatened to sue some day care centers for using Mickey Mouse pictures on their walls?

Or that Zincam Gluconium is the active ingredient in popular cold remedy Zicam?

Or that sunglasses can "improve visual comfort and visual clarity by protecting the eye from glare."

All right, I might not have needed Wikipedia's help on that last one, but let's face it, I wouldn't have been able to put it quite so succinctly, either. Kudos, writer of that particular Wiki article!

Now consider my 1986 set of Funk and Wagnalls encyclopedias. Supposedly, these encyclopedias have been through all of the fact checking and rigorous copyediting that these Wikipedia articles are criticized for lacking. Hmm, could have fooled me. If anything, a quick glance through these encyclopedias shows that either someone was sleeping at the wheel at the old publishing house, or these books were put together by complete morons.

Here are some things I found that are just completely inaccurate and/or bizarre in their absence:

*The World Trade Center is apparently still standing and is the second tallest structure in the world. Um, I guess you guys never heard of a little thing called 9/11?

*Not a single mention of the World Wide Web, the Internet, Google, or Wikipedia. Gee, you think Funk and Wagnalls is a little afraid of the competition?

*Direct quote, under entry labeled Ronald Reagan: "40th and current President of the United States". Riii-ight.

As you can see, mistakes can occur in even the most celebrated and respected publications. I think it's time to give Wikipedia its fair due. I'm going back there right now to finish reading the fascinating George Washington entry. Did you know he was once arrested for smoking crack with your mom on "Dancing With the Stars"? The things they don't teach you in school.

11 May 2009

Monday Movie Reviews

Back To The Future (1973)
The strange tale of a boy named Marty McFly and his attempt to make the world's first solar powered train. There's a lot I could say about this movie. The soundtrack, featuring such hits as "Locomotion" by Kylie Minogue and "Footloose" by Kenny Loggins is commendable and will have you dancing in your seat. The first time I saw this movie I was perplexed by the subplot, involving Doc Brown's insidious machinations to create life from a pinecone, but now I see it as a metaphor for the evils of corporate greed. This one was definitely ahead of its time. Starring Crispin Glover and Weird Al Yankovic. 4 stars from a possible 29.

Rocky (1921)

Rocky Balboa, a down on his luck boxer, has his life transformed when he discovers the healing properties of acupuncture and finds a strange sort of love with a homeless porcupine. Though not for all tastes, Rocky blends fantasy and reality in an exuberant stew, topped off with a dash of melancholy when the porcupine strikes it rich and leaves his friend to fend for himself. Starring Sylvester Stallone and Angelina Jolie. 9 stars from a possible 11.

Mary Poppins (2003)
An inner city school teacher is thrown in prison after raping a student with an umbrella. In this supposedly heartwarming tale, both teacher and student find themselves lost in a justice system that is both racist and too convoluted to care about the little guy. I found myself unable to connect with the characters in this film, particularly in light of the superior Glengarry Glen Ross, which came out the same year and tackled similar themes. As of this writing, Mary Poppins is sealed in the Disney vault. Starring Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake and Willem Dafoe. 66 stars from a possible 2,321.

08 May 2009

Least Popular Mother's Day Cards

Well, Mother's Day is Sunday, and once again the greeting card companies will be making a fortune penning witticisms that you're too lame to come up with on your own. Cards will be given, cursorily read, and promptly tossed into a drawer (or straight into the trash). Even with this foreknowledge, millions of sons and daughters will be heading out to the store, spending forever and a day scouring the shelves for the card that just says it best.

And while I'll be doing the same, here are some cards that I'm (almost) surely not going to buy.

Click to enlarge if your eyesight sucks.

06 May 2009

Does Not Work Well With Others

I was in the third grade when the issue first came up. My teacher--Ms. Forrest--asked us all to divide into groups of four so we could work on an art project together. The idea was for us to take a piece of posterboard and each decorate it until it made a collage of our various interests. Seemed simple enough. We had plenty of magazines and newspapers from which to cut out applicable pictures.

Well, even with the abundance of materials, I couldn't find any pictures to represent my personal interests (standing on my head against a wall, tasting dog food, and shooting old people with my BB gun being chief among them). My teammates grew irritated as I continuously failed to add anything to the collage. Finally, one of the kids, a fastidious boy named Phil, said, "If you're not gonna help, I'm gonna tell Ms. Forrest."

I nodded in acknowledgment of this threat and pretended to return to my search. I further pretended to have finally found a picture suitable for my needs. I picked up the scissors and acted as though I was about to cut out the picture. When Phil satisfied himself that I was finally working, I lifted up his shirt and cleanly cut off his right nipple with the scissors. It dropped to the floor with an audible plop. He screamed out and the entire class turned to our group just in time to see me grab the severed nipple, apply a thin coating of rubber cement, and stick it to the posterboard.

Not only did this act of violence get me expelled from Better Growth Elementary, and not only was I placed in a special psychiatric program for several months, but I earned a phrase in my permanent records that has never left me: Does not work well with others.

Well, finally a select and daring group of girls has decided (however unwisely) to look beyond my checkered past and give me a chance to be part of a team. With that said, I introduce to you (those who may have missed the giant banner in the sidebar for the last couple of days) my new TEAM-POWERED blog! It's called The Open Letters Blog, and it is the best thing since sliced nipples. Er, bread. With the combined forces of---


and, of course

--we have developed a blog that will embiggen the spirit and liriash the soul. Please join us as we write serious, thought-provoking letters, stimulate the mind (if not the economy), and, above all, work well with others.