15 June 2009

A Thirst Too Great

The other day I was traveling down one of our great American highways, just enjoying the open road and the sounds of silence. As I passed a field of (non black and white) cows, I contemplated the fragility of life and the cycle of existence that has kept the human race going now for yea these many years. I wondered how long we would continue to exist. As a people. I thought about global warming, and whether or not I had been irresponsible in buying a coal powered vehicle w/ industrial strength smokestack. I pondered these things and others when suddenly I was overtaken by a powerful thirst. I needed a Slurpee.




It was peculiar--but not altogether unheard of--for my Slurpee jones to strike so suddenly and so ferociously. The problem: I was--according to my "7-11's of the Central Florida Area" handbook--nearly six miles away from the nearest Slurpee dispenser. I didn't think I could wait that long to quench the devil's parch that had settled into my throat. I would have to take drastic action.


An invaluable tool


My first order of business was to check the floorboards. There was a bottle of Coke under the backseat (next to the furnace). Unfortunately, there was none left in the bottle. I had drained it dry. Argggh, this terrible thirst! Why would it plague me so? I would give anything to be free of its maddening terrors.

That's when I noticed the ditch by the side of the road. It had rained for the past three days, and this rain had filled the ditch nearly to capacity with cool, clean water. Just the site of this oasis magnified my thirst a thousandfold. I had only two options. Wait, and take my chances with the far away 7-11, or drink from nature's goblet. I pulled off the highway and made the only decision I could.

As I knelt to my knees in front of the ditch, I noticed two things. One, the water was not nearly as clean as I had hoped. Bits of...stuff...floated in the water, and there were peculiar swirls in the water, as if a generous dollop of gasoline had been added to the mixture at some point. Two, someone had tossed a half-eaten Burger King cheeseburger out of their window and I would be damned if that wouldn't go perfectly with my reservoir.

Cautiously, I dipped my mouth to the ditch water and drank deeply. It tasted suspiciously like the juice that forms at the top of a long dormant jar of peanut butter, but it did the job. The cheeseburger was stiff and surprisingly crunchy, but it didn't taste too bad.

I rate this dining experience 17 stars out of a possible 23. WOULD DINE AGAIN.

Unrelated: Does anyone know any home remedies for E.Coli poisoning?

40 comments:

mama-face said...

I too was traveling down a country road recently and spotted some of those fake black and white cows, which made me think of you, which made me realize I spend way too much time blog reading, which made me say who cares, I want to blog read, which made stop talking to myself.

What were those creatures? Any ideas? Also, you should know better and never drink ANYTHING with floaties. I think you are supposed to go to the emergency room stat. IF you are still alive.

Jeff said...

This is exactly why I have always believed that roadside ditches should be filled with Slurpee.

Thinkinfyou said...

I know for a fact that it's been so hot here ,that any ditch wouldn't have a drop of rain water left in them. Another fact that I know to be true,is that people around these parts are notorious for stopping on the side of the highway to take a pee.So I wouldn't worry to much about E Coli. You probably just downed some urine,and we all know urine is suppose to be sterile....so you'll be fine.

Eric said...

Ahhh, the sweet nectarish manna of ditch water... I reckon I'm a bit parched myself now after reading this. ps - I didn't say dish water, that's just gross.

Quirkyloon said...

You might want to google Marilus the company that brought us HeadOn: Apply directly to the forehead!

*smile*

Chris said...

Quirkyloon and her "HeadOn" fetish. Bleh.

I'm with you, though, Jeff. I mean, why go six miles for a cherry Slurpee when there's some perfectly good swamp juice at your, um, disposal?

freetheunicorns said...

Drinking a large Slurpee in under a minute should cure your E.Coli.

I hope.

nipsy said...

Slurpee slurpee we love you
Slurpee slurpee where are you
Slurpee slurpee he left me
No more slurpees, here be me

Thats what I'm writing on your tombstone if you EVER drink things with floaties in them again..Have you learned nothing from eating the dishwasher cake??

C.B. Jones said...

Did you bottle the ditch water to run some tests on it? I'm sure there's a market for peanut butter juice/sweat.

Shawn said...

Mama-face: You have to understand that there is a major government conspiracy behind keeping the idea of these animals alive. Therefore: advanced animatronics.

Jeff: I second that notion, and raise you a Slurpee machine in every refrigerator.

Thinkin: Can't comment...must throw up.

Eric: Lord, no. Soapy water is for bad children (and Paul Sheldon).

Quirky: I wonder if I can apply it directly to the spleen.

Chris: It wasn't a matter of want, but need. My thirst was overpowering and the ditch water so beckoning.

Freetheunicorns: Excellent! I should already be cured.

Nipsy: The dishwasher cake was regrettable, but I didn't make the correlation.

C.B.: I did not, but I could always drive back there if riches could be involved.

Soda and Candy said...

hahaha, brilliant

Vic said...

"Nature's goblet"!! *snort*

Where can I get that Slurpee locatation map?

Scott Oglesby said...

The only thing that really surprises me about your tale is that you didn’t find either a dead body, or a suitcase full of coke or money. Are you sure that you were in Florida? That sounds pretty unlike the Florida I just left!
As far as the E.Coli remedy: I don’t think you need to worry, there are enough pharmaceuticals in the drinking water to keep you um…..healthy!

ReformingGeek said...

I think the treatment is 6 injections a day, in the stomach area. Have fun!

Candice said...

Only a good ass raping will cure you of your E.coli.

Good luck with that.

Bearman said...

Damn you and your new blog style. I spent five minutes trying to vote on my favorite post by clicking on your circles next to the post name to come away frustrated.

Chris said...

Wow. I'm not sure I could ever pass up a slurpee for nature's juices. (even at 6 miles)

I am unconditionally in love with my local 7-11 due to its consistent offering of coke slurpee. Mmmm. So good.

But I guess ditch water comes a close second.

Nate Fakes said...

7-11 used to be my source for old, rotating hot dogs and those BIG Gulps. Now, I have a new place of business called my fridge. I figured too much 7-11 and I probably wouldn't make it to my 30th birthday because of E.Coli (is there a cure?).

otin said...

You know, they say that urine is sterile and drinkable in an emergency, not that I wouldn't die first! LOL!

Shawn said...

Soda and Candy: That better not have been a sarcastic 'brilliant'.

Vic: You have to write to 7-11 headquarters with 650 Slurpee proofs of purchase.

Scott: I never find a good suitcase full of coke. That's why I always find Carl Hiassen novels rather disappointing.

Reforming: So soon after my encounter with that crazy bat? Damn.

Candice: Oh no, I'm not falling for that again. Didn't clear my acne up at all.

Bearman: That's okay, I stuck a push pin through my monitor.

Chris: Coke Slurpee is among the finest of this world's delights. Ditch water will do, but it can't really even compare.

Nate: I'm a big fan of the nachos. Mmmm...nachos.

Otin: Yeah, I'm not looking to compete with Bear Grylls for the title of "most willing to survive".

Heather Cherry said...

Hey, something's different...

unfinishedrambler said...

You just won't let the cow thing go, will you? :)

As for your "meal," I've had worse, usually at Burger King itself.

Soda and Candy said...

Of course not!!! I'm just running low on wit.

Maybe a Slurpee would help.

*hint hint*

Mike said...

As a professional water quality technician, I have to say you're retarded.

As a retard,I take that as in insult and would ask that next time you share the burger with me.

Thanks.

Lunatron (aka Jamie) said...

I say enjoy any beverage that's sporting a few Newton's rings, ESPECIALLY if the universe was kind enough to include BK. Sadly, my daughter recently puked in a BK and we've been banned nationally, so a roadside buffet is my only hope. As for e-coli, the petroleum will kill it, but it will also grease the skids. Have someone bring you a case of charmin.

Shawn said...

Heather: I got a haircut.

Rambler: No, no I won't. People need to know.

Soda: I'll mail you one. It should make it at least partially intact.

Mike: Next time, the rotten food is on me.

Lunatron: What a coincidence, I'm banned from at least one 7-11.

Shawn said...

And I thought I was the only Central Florida Shawn that was a bit crazy...boy was I wrong!

Shawn said...

And I thought I was the only Central Florida Shawn that was a bit crazy...boy was I wrong!

Shawn said...

Oops I guess the glass/glasses of Sangria have taken a bigger effect on me than I thought. I only meant to hit PUBLISH YOUR COMMENT once.

Shawn said...

Shawn: Don't drink and comment! LOL @ 5 "Shawn"s in a row here.

Maureen said...

NotShawnSaid...

When you said Slurpee and headache, I simply thought you drank yours way too fast.

You should live up here. We've been the Slurpee capital of the world for the past 9 years.

Funnyrunner said...

Are you sick yet? My condolence... I was running in delightful (not) 85 degree heat once like a dumbass with no water in a state park forest. I got to the point after about 8 miles where I was either going to die or drink out of the creek, so I chose the latter. I told my husband about it and he freaked out. But I didn't get sick! HA!

Winky Twinky said...

Ummm...Shawn?... Are you still with us? If so...there's no thirst THAT great...

Shawn said...

Maureen: I almost never get one of those cold headaches, be it from Slurpees or ice cream or anything. Which is lucky, because I consume quite a lot of both.

Funnyrunner: Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

Winky: I survived. No mere E.Coli can take me down.

Dave said...

I like how your travelogue segued into a food review. It's flexible blogging like this that keeps us coming back for more.

Blue Balls The Clown MD said...

I’ve had e-coli poisoning several times in the past week. Drink three bottles of beer, eat a handful of peanuts, knock back 12 ounces of straight vodka and shake yourself well on the dancefloor.

Shawn said...

Dave: Well, I like to consider myself a master of many styles.

Dr. Balls: 12 oz, eh? Is that correct? Oookay, here goes nothing.

George said...

The only cure I know for that involves botulism, but Montezuma's Revenge may be a good look. You'll meet some cute nurses. :)

just a girl... said...

I would drive 10 miiles for a slurpee. You might now be a true fan, just saying.

shopgirl101 said...

Holy Shit! I don't log into blogger for a few days and BAM! You've changed your whole site! I do like it, though.