28 February 2009

February's Strangest News Stories

Twin Escapes Justice Because Judge Doesn't Know Which One Is Guilty

It seems like something straight out of a Philip K. Dick short story, but this actually happened. Now, it happened in Malaysia, which almost doesn't count, but it still happened. At the same time, the charge was drug related, so perhaps neither of them should have been up for a hanging anyway. Again, though. Malaysia.

Saudi Judge Refuses to Annul 8-Year-Old's Marriage

American ally, in case you forgot.

Man Calls 911 Because Burger King Is Out of Lemonade

I can see calling if they were out of Whoppers, but lemonade?

Pair Charged After Eating Iguana, Posting Pictures on Facebook

An American couple vacationing in the Bahamas catches, and then eats an iguana. Posts the photos on Facebook, as people are wont to do. Only problem? It's illegal to post pictures on Facebook while in the Bahamas. No, wait. It's illegal to eat an iguana.

Man Claims Stephen King Killed John Lennon

Steven Lightfoot, which can only be assumed to be a fake name, made an ass out of himself at a Sarasota City Commission meeting, by claiming Stephen King was the true killer of John Lennon. This wasn't something Lightfoot dreamed up the night before. Not by a long shot. Need a healthy dose of insanity in your life? Head on over to his website, Lennonmurdertruth.com, for 8 years worth.

27 February 2009

An Open Letter to That Box of Cheez-Its I Just Finished

Dear Cheez-Its Box,

I was troubled to see this printed on the inside: Sorry, This Box is Not a Winner. Buck up, Cheez-Its box. I found your contents delicious.

Your Truly,

The Shark Tank

An Open Letter to the Disposable Razor That Just Cut My Face To Ribbons

Dear Bic Comfort 3,

Thanks for that. No really. I've never passed out from blood loss before.

Yours truly,

The Shark Tank

The Worst Movie of 2008?

There are some tempting choices when it comes to determining the worst movie of 2008. 10,000 BC was a stellar example of how not to make an audience enjoy themselves. Righteous Kill and 88 Minutes, the Jon Avnet/Al Pacino double dose of ineptitude would have been worthy nominations in this or any other year. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, The Clone Wars, and Superhero Movie are all strong candidates as well.

But, no, the worst movie of 2008 year went unseen by my eyes until last night, courtesy of Netflix. It's called The Haunting of Molly Hartley and it is pure rotten from the inside out. Released as an October scarefest, it came and went from theaters with relatively little fanfare. This was unfortunate. Molly Hartley is a movie that deserves fanfare. It deserves to be put up on the highest pedestal, and then ridiculed by all who gather in the town square. It is worse than bad. It is utterly incompetent. Watch only if you happen to be a connoisseur of that kind of thing.

26 February 2009


Let's take a look at some of the rumors floating around the entertainment world and see if they are FACT or NOT FACT! (Someone should really invent an antonym for "fact").

Rumor: Cate Blanchett Is Joining the Cast of Robin Hood

The Story: Oscar winning actress Cate Blanchett has signed on to play the part of Maid Marion in Ridley Scott's new movie, Robin Hood. The film also stars Russell Crowe as the titular character.

Best version

The Verdict: This celebrity rumor is FACT! The film was formerly known as "Nottingham".


Rumor: Brad Pitt is Divorcing Angelina Jolie and Turning to the Monastery

The Story: Brad Pitt is putting an end to the Brangelina story with a surprising twist. He's leaving the Hollywood beauty and devoting his life to Buddhism in the form of becoming a Tibetan monk.

Different Monk

The Verdict: This celebrity rumor is NOT FACT! Mixup resulting from a movie no one saw.


Rumor: Dreamworks Animation is Losing Money

The Story: The entertainment studio experienced losses of 45% in the last quarter, due to weak sales of their DVDs and disappointing box office returns.

Not to lay blame...

The Verdict: This rumor is FACT! But they are counting on the 3D Monsters vs Aliens to break the slump.


Rumor: Rachael Ray Once a Werewolf

The Story: The popular cooking show host and bestselling author battled the disease known as lycanthropy for most of her early adult life. Countless sheep and not a few hobos lost their lives to her bloodthirsty moonlit rampages.

Kill it!

The Verdict: The celeb rumor is NOT FACT! She was, and is, a vampire.


Rumer: Demi Moore's Daughter

The Story: Also Bruce Willis's.

The Verdict: This celebrity Rumer is FACT!


Rumor: Cats of All Kinds Have Worn Out Their Welcome on the Internet

The Story: LOLcats, cats with blogs, and people who obsess over cats: it's time for you to go.

He can stay

The Verdict: This celebrity (?) rumor is FACT! Byez!


Rumor: A Resident of India Was Not in the Cast of Slumdog Millionaire

The Story: Aaniya Chopra of Jakarta was the sole member of the Indian population not cast in the Oscar Winning drama.

Squeeze in

The Verdict: This celebrity rumor is NOT FACT! She was in a deleted scene. Final answer.

25 February 2009

Five More Comics Al Sharpton Should Be Protesting

After being outraged at the NY Post for their now infamous "chimp shooting" cartoon published on February 18th (all right, that's not true. . .we're taking too much medication to experience "outrage". It was more like mild confusion), we at the Shark Tank decided to do something about it. No, we weren't going to go protest out in front of their New York City offices, but we would take a look at the daily comics and make sure there weren't any other wizards of wit who needed to be taken down a notch. To our great surprise (read: mild confusion, again), there were five. Read on, and weep for our racist country.

Cats With Hands

Excuse us, cats on the windowsill? How can that be published in a daily newspaper without an outcry from the very citizens who make the news happen? Is this a KKK edition? Now, the official line would doubtlessly be that this comic is satirizing the effects of the economy, but c'mon. They're clearly talking about the black poor here, and cats themselves are an age old symbol of Aryan dominance.


Wow, Shoe. You're going to go there, are you? Knowing that the digital switchover is likely to affect poor African-American households on a far greater basis than that of white homes. This cartoon actually doubles, as it is also taking a shot at our black President, who called for a delay in the digital switchover. That's two strikes, Shoe, do you want to go for three? How about the exaggerated noses on your characters? That's good, take a shot at the Jewish community while you're at it. Also, ducks are an age old symbol of Aryan wealth.

Frank and Ernest

In November of last year, blacks and whites united and elected a President who called to the poor, the overlooked, and the downtrodden, and made them believe that "Yes, we can." Here, Frank and Ernest twist that to make the empowering phrase akin to taking drugs. Drugs are almost as rampant in African-American communities as they are in the Shark Tank offices, Bob Thaves. Maybe you should check yourself before exposing America to any more of your racist drawings.

Rose is Rose

Well, it's not racist, but we just wanted to point out how singularly unfunny Rose is Rose continues to be.

Jump Start

Um, does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Black parents treating their children as dogs. This also feeds into the age old "Mammy" stereotype of a large black woman going to town on a triangle so that her slave masters can come get the fixins. Also, sweaters are an age old symbol of Aryan supremacy.

Join us next time on The Shark Tank, as we investigate the hidden racism in popular cold medicines, the BluRay format, and Kelly Clarkson's "My Life Would Suck Without U".

24 February 2009

Aesop's (Dumbest) Fables

When it comes to The Ant and the Grashopper, the Tortoise and the Hare, or The Boy Who Cried Wolf, Aesop the Fabler provided us with memorable characters, timeless themes, and important morals to use and remember. But a glance at Aesop's full ouvre, thanks to Aesopfables.com, reveals that there were times when Aesop was just phoning it in. Here are some fables that never made it to the classroom.

The Monkey and the Camel

Something tells me that Aesop penned this particular fable in a blaze of anger after seeing a competitor selling their own fables for half price at the local market. Note that the animals do not ridicule or merely shun the camel's attempts at attention, but set upon him with clubs. That Aesop was no stranger to violence. As depicted in our next fable.

The Farmer and the Cranes

A far cry from "The Farmer and the Dell", the delightful song about. . .lonely cheese. . .The Farmer and the Cranes is an abject endorsement of beating the everloving crap out of your enemies (read: competitors in the fable market) when talking ain't getting the job done. Incidentally, "If words suffice not, blows must follow" was one of Johnnie Cochran's rejected entreaties on the way to the famous fit/acquit line.

The Ass and His Driver

I picture Aesop bitter, sweaty, and minus one hardworking ass when he penned this gem. Exactly who is this moral intended for? Owners of willful beasts? The willful beasts themselves (as sort of a live your dreams and be free anthem)? What are we to take from it in these modern times? If I'm not mistaken, I think the lesson is: if you keep having to fight your dog (or toddler) from running into the busy street, you're fighting a losing battle. Or maybe this is just another knock on that damned marketplace fable writer.

The Kid and the Wolf

I don't even understand this one, but that is the laziest, most self-evident moral I've ever read. I'm pretty sure Aesop was well into the drink by this point in his career.

The Little Boy and Fortune

Every one is more or less master of his own fate? Anytime you, as a writer of fables (yes, I'm speaking to you, majority of my readership), have to append the phrase "more or less" into the moral of your story, it's time to rethink publication. Yeah. . .definitely into the drink by this time.

23 February 2009

School Menus: Now 7% More Random

Have you ever wanted to go back in time and eat lunch in your school cafeteria just one last time? Do you miss the strange food combinations and suspect ingredients that went into each serving? If so, the Shark Tank is here to help you relive those lost years, minus the shame and soul crushing peer pressure. With a little help from Schoolmenu.com, we've prepared a week's worth of menu mashup that only the American school system could feel proud of. Get ready to eat like a kid again!


If you read enough school menus, you'll find they use the word "style" quite a lot. Italian style spaghetti. Mexican style tacos. Man vs Wild style grubs. It's been my experience that anytime something is in the style of something else, that is a clear indication to steer clear. More troubling than that, however, are the tortilla chips w/cheese cup (Ballpark style nachos). Is this an alternative to the spaghetti? A side dish? Not to jump back and forth here, but what other styles of spaghetti are there?


On Tuesday, you can enjoy delicious picadillo with rice. I'm not even going to pretend I know what that is. Don't want that? Have some salad. Or some plantains. Oooh, but what's this? Lettuce, tomato, and shredded cheese for tacos! You could save that in your bookbag for the day they serve meat and shells for tacos!


Pizza and mashed potatoes is how we do it.


Well, that's just a Hot Pocket, no matter how else you slice it. They really have the menu writer working overtime, with such offerings as Chilled Pears. Skip the Oven Baked "Fries". Quotation marks are another sign--much like "in the style of"--that you're probably better off sampling the light whole wheat roll.


Friday is diet day. Enjoy your miniburger and your corn cobbette and remember, things could be worse:

22 February 2009

Homeschooled Harry Tackles Health Care

Note from the Shark Tank: Due to a complicated and ongoing legal settlement, we have consented (i.e. have been lawfully obliged) to offer occasional column space to Hargood Levinson. Hargood is the 16 year old product of sparse homeschooling. Enjoy.

Welcome to my first Internet column! Thanks to Judge Hamilton for making this ruling, and thanks to the gheys at the Shark Tank for [edited for violating disclosure terms of settlement]. They said I could make this column be about anything I wanted to write about. Soooo, since it's the middle of February and a lot of people are getting sick, I might as well tell you why. Oooh, you weren't expecting that, were you?

Harry's mid-term report card

You see, medical science isn't able to tell us why we get sick. It can only tell us when we are sick and what kind of disease we have (sometimes). It can't tell us how we got it or what it REALLY is. That's because these things are unknown. But that is exactly why you should never go to a doctor when you are sick. Think I'm joking? Look at these statistics.

99%--number of people who go to the doctor and die soon after.
1%--number of people who stay home when they are sick and then get better.

Now, which one of these groups would you rather be in? Alrite now really? The truth is the doctors cant tell you anything you don't already know. Do you have a stuffy head? Throwing up? You have the flu, probably, but what is the flu? How do you treat it? The doctors don't know, and neither do you. The only thing you can do is pray.

The low grade in art doesn't really seem warranted

Take Cancer, for instance. If you type Cancer into Google you'll get a bunch of search results, but that's just people like you "guessing" at what it is. Like Wikipedia. You may not know this, but anyone can edit Wikipedia and put whatever they want in there. I could go there now, erase the whole Cancer article and just write, "Cancer is caused by being gay". But that doesn't make it true, does it? I could write "AIDS is caused by being gay" and then that would be true, but it's still a 50% chance that the information you find on the Internet or in books is completely made up.

So why is there such a thing as doctors and hospitals? Well, people are dumb enough to spend their money on just about anything, but they are there for a good purpose, too. Like if you get shot, but I don't really think anyone gets shot except in movies, so there goes that. But I guess if you tripped and fell and busted your head open you could go get stitches. Ummm, that's probably about all the hospital and doctors are good for. Save your money and you'll be a lot better off.

21 February 2009

The Strange World of Yahoo Answers

If ever you're tempted to look at the stimulus bill, the history of America, or just the faith you hold in your heart, and come to the conclusion that everything's going to turn out all right, a brief glance at Yahoo Answers will cure you. Like a freezing cold splash of water first thing in the morning, the utter insanity/stupidity presented in question after question will wake you up to the fact that things are only going to get worse. Here's some of the strangest questions from the past few days:

Click any picture to enlarge.

Snow fetish? Elaborate game? How is this connected to languages?

Hello, police? I'm calling about my tip yesterday about seeing Osama Bin Laden in the library. Yes, this is seamomma. I'll hold.

Oh, and also: what's the best way to get flour out of denim?

Why not? It didn't hurt you, right?

OMG! Plz let her be "taught a lesson", plz omg ty.

20 February 2009

4 Stores That Should Be Out of Business

With "the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression" becoming the second most commonly heard phrase of 2009 (the first being a collective "whaaa?" by viewers of ABC's "LOST"), it's a common sight to watch stores all around the country close up their doors and shutter their windows, just after offering weak liquidation sales to the public that decided they didn't care to shop there. Examples include Circuit City, Linens & Things, and Whitehall Jewelers. Additionally, many stores have closed several of their outlets or made economic cutbacks in preparation for the downturn.

With all of these closings, it boggles the mind to see what stores are still open and, seemingly, thriving. We'll take a look at three store chains and an entire niche industry that we cannot believe are still able to make money in this recession.

#4. Ross: Dress for Less

Recession or no recession, Ross clothing stores should have folded a long time ago. Have you been in one of these places? It looks like a sixteen year old's bedroom. Apparently having decided that keeping clothes on orderly racks was outdated, the Ross model calls for clothing to be carelessly strewn about the floor, with very little rhyme or reason to the categorization.

Ross: minutes before you walked in

Perhaps to make up for the unstructured disaster zone that is the clothing section, Ross offers several aisles completely dedicated to whatever random shit they could find and put a price tag on. Need a DVD of The Beast of Yucca Flats? They've probably got it. How about an ornamental Buddha? Sure. Super Mario coloring book? Wooden Horse Keychain? Half a box of Kleenex? There's no limit to the yard sale that is Ross. Maybe this randomness explains Ross's ability to stay afloat. It's the "I'll trade it for what's behind Door Number 2" effect. People just like the idea of a store that is basically an enormous grab bag of junk.

#3. Bed, Bath, and Beyond

Speaking of enormous grab bags of junk. Bed, Bath, and Beyond is a particularly puzzling case, seeing as how they are Linens & Things in all but title. They sell the exact same merchandise for the exact same prices, stock their shelves with the same curious mixture of "As Seen on TV" crap, and are equally abhorrent to anyone born with a penis. There is literally not a single difference, other than the fact that Christopher Walken never sold remote controls out of the back of Linens & Things. You can hold a Bed, Bath, and Beyond in your hand and turn it back and forth, and it will literally become a Linens & Things, and then turn back, just like that holographic belt buckle I had in the third grade.

#2. K-Mart

Now you may be thinking to yourself, "Yeah, didn't Kmart go out of business like ten years ago?" No, they indeed did not. What you may be remembering is their file for bankruptcy, but in America, bankruptcy doesn't necessarily mean you're going out of business. It could just mean a fresh start, minus the hassle of paying all those creditors. Though Kmart has been around longer than either, it's hard to imagine how they are staying afloat in the age of Wal-Mart and Target. Wal-Mart has sewn up most of the market, and Target is just Wal-Mart, except for people who wear shoes.

Kmart? lolno

Where does this leave K-Mart? Who is still shopping there? The only thing that comes to mind is that K-Mart is for people who don't feel like getting all dressed up for Wal-Mart. That. . .that's almost too fanciful to believe.

#1. Adult Video Stores

You see, there's this thing. It's called the Internet. Though it provides news, Facebook, humor, and a place for your bad writing, it's primary purpose is porn. This was actually established by the FFOTWWW (Founding Fathers of the World Wide Web). So why are people still going out to adult video stores to rent movies they could watch for free on their computer? Is it the comfort aspect? Are people that dedicated to watching DVDs on their big, flat screen TVs that they'll risk the utter embarrassment that comes with bringing Virtuous Vixens 6 up to the register? Will a disguise even suffice?

That what you're wearing?

Even more confounding are the independent video stores that rent regular movies, augmented by a "back room" where the porn is kept. At least at a dedicated porn store, you have the comfort of being surrounded by fellow perverts. At a 2-in-1 type of place, you have to actually segregate yourself from the rest of society to get to the video you want.

And, of course, you then have to pick up at least two regular movies that you have no intention of watching just to make it look like everything's just as normal as can be. "So you've got Forrest Gump, Baby Geniuses, and Supersize Knockers VII, will that be all?" This, when the Internet is so full of porn that even the most innocent of Google image searches will bring up something anatomically improbable. In fact, the more innocent the search, the more depraved the porn. Just try "wet muffin"!.

Finally, on page 26

19 February 2009

Things Found in Joaquin Phoenix's Beard

We at the Shark Tank have been following the Joaquin Phoenix actor-turned-rapper story with great interest. But there is one aspect of the situation that the mainstream media has failed to address. We are happy to pick up the slack.

18 February 2009

When Dear Abby Fails, the Shark Tank is There!

When you can't get satisfactory advice from Dear Abby, Dr. Phil, or Lucy, it's time to turn to the Shark Tank for answers. It's a crying shame to see anyone wander the Internet, burdened with an unsolvable problem. This is where the Shark Tank steps in, takes the reins, and leads you back to the path of sanity and enlightenment. Let's go to the show.


Dear Shark Tank, I'm sixteen, and I've been dating a guy for about 3 weeks now. Everything is going really well, except that my parents hate him! Yesterday my dad told me that I'll be shipped off to military school if he catches me with him even one more time. What can I do? My parents are ruining my life! Desperate in Des Moines

Dear Desperate, Your parents want what's best for you, but that can be difficult to see when you're only sixteen. At the same time, you can't have them ruining your life. What you need to do is kill them
(continued at bottom)


Dear Shark Tank, I'm 37 years old, and I think I've earned the right to play a little Halo when I damn well want to. The problem? My damn 6 year old brat always wants to hog the television so he can watch one of his kiddie programs. I've tried telling him "no" but the wife thinks I'm being selfish and even had the gall to say I was acting childish. How do I restore my mastery of this house? Irritated in Indianapolis

Dear Irritated, I hate to disappoint loyal readers of the Shark Tank, but I'm inclined to agree with your wife on this one. At the same time, I understand the feeling that can come with losing control over your household. If I were you, I would beat them, repeatedly
(continued at bottom)


Dear Shark Tank, I don't think things can get any worse. I never finish anything I start, my life is in shambles, I have no direction, and I'm ready to give up. Every day I come home from work and just cry until I fall asleep. What can I do? Hopeless in Houston

Dear Hopeless, Desperate times call for desperate measures. With the economy swirling down the drain, things are likely going to get worse. Your best bet is to get a gun, a razor blade, or a rope and commit
(continued at bottom)


Desperate in Des Moines Continued
with kindness. Perhaps if they see that this boyfriend is not having a deleterious effect on you, they will be more open to the idea of the two of you dating.

Irritated in Indianapolis Continued

at some of my favorite Xbox games. That way, you get to play your video games, you include the family, and you get to experience the visceral thrill of dominating, but in a harmless way. That is, of course, if you're better than them!

Hopeless in Houston Continued

yourself to a life changing strategy. It doesn't matter if it means taking up target shooting, barbering, or bullroping, it should be something so completely out of your element that it gives you a whole new way to look at your life. You might like what you see!

17 February 2009

Skywalker Farms

16 February 2009

Presidents Day

This President's Day, I want to take a little time to pay homage to one of the true founding fathers. No, not those guys on the money. There are a million places on the web you can go to hear about those guys. I'm talking about someone you may not have heard of. His name was Frank Warrington, and he was the first--and maybe the best--student council president Forest Hills Middle School ever had.

Frank's story starts at the beginning of my fifth grade year. If you went to one of the other (something, something, thousand) middle schools in the country in 1987, you may not remember this, but times were tough for students at Forest Hills that fall. We had recently merged with a competing middle school, and the merger had been less than successful on our end. The new kids were older, on account of the other school's surprisingly low graduation rate, and they were none too pleased to be sharing facilities with a "bunch of snot nosed babies". Because of this displeasure, their student council president, John Cella, had outfitted his school with jackets that showed their solidarity. Their solidarity in hating us. We groaned whenever we saw a mustached fifth grader striding our way with one of those jackets on, knowing only too well that a trip into the nearest locker was a distinct possibility. We began referring to the red jackets as "Cella-wear". I don't know. I guess it was the closest our addled, snot-nosed baby minds could come to an insult.

Forest Hills, prior to this year, had been a nice school. Laid back. As such, we had never had the need for a student council, and certainly no president to lead them. But with the dawning of this new threat, we knew things had to change. If we were to have any hope of winning the war of oppression, we would need the kind of strong, determined leadership that allowed a fledgling country called America do the same. We formed a student council from volunteers and went in search of a president. When Frank Warrington threw his name into the ring, we knew it could be no other.

Was it because he was the coolest kid we knew? Perhaps. He was ahead of his time when it came to setting fashion trends. That was a year when everyone who was anyone was walking around with jelly bracelets and Swatch watches that glowed in the dark. But not Frank. He had a simple necklace of imitation shark's teeth he had carved out of pine. Before the year was over, everyone had a similar necklace.

Was it because he taught us new ways to use and abuse the English language? Perhaps. While everyone else was using words like "bodacious" and "radical", he was making up new words like "drossing". To "dross something" meant to tear it down.

Was it because he was so full of energy? Perhaps. We had known Frank since Kindergarten and he was the only one of the kids who refused to take a nap. It was as if he was completely unable to lie down. Instead, he would go outside with the PE coach and run laps around the building, improving the physical fitness (and spectacularly malformed calves) he would later become so renowned for.

Actually, I think it might have had most to do with his cooking skills. Food is the way to a man's heart, and it is also the way to win a student council presidency (take note, up and comers). Frank presided over three school-wide breakfasts that year, introducing the student body to his delicacy, the Jollywig. It was a cross between a pancake and a bacon sandwich, all smothered in peanut butter and sprinkled with powdered sugar.

So when Frank Warrington, with his wooden teeth and his powdered 'wigs and his inability to lie, announced his candidacy for student council president, we knew we had found our man. We did not regret our choice. The first day of his presidency, he marched into the opposing end of the school and tore down three red jackets that hung over the auditorium doors. Tore them right down. Things changed after that. We started getting the respect we desired from our 17 year old fifth grade companions. If locker stuffing didn't end that day, it certainly eased up.

Later, a powerful portrait of the incident was hung in the main hallway of the school. It was titled "Warrington Drossing the Cella-Wear", and it hangs there to this day. Here's to you, Frank Warrington. May you dross all obstacles in your path.

15 February 2009


Join us next time on ... IT CAME FROM WIKIPEDIA!!!

14 February 2009

Who is Cupid?

Valentine's Day. It is the second largest greeting card holiday in the United States (second only to Christmas), and the number one day for sending flowers to a loved one. It is the florists' Black Friday. But what about the symbols of Valentine's Day? Those plump hearts, those little candies that say "Be Mine". And, of course, Cupid. What do we know about this Cupid? That he is a chubby little angel, armed with a bow and arrow, right? He shoots the arrow and. . .uh. . .yeah, I don't really know anything beyond that. Nature abhors a vacuum, and my mind abhors not knowing anything about this winged matchmaker. Time to do some research.

Researching. . .

Researching. . .

Back. First of all, Cupid ≠ angel. Cupid is a Roman god. He is the son of Venus and Mars (the gods, not women and men, as described by Dr. John Gray), and, as with most of the gods, he exists to tell a story, explain a piece of science, and/or impart a moral lesson. With Cupid, the story is this:

Venus, Cupid's mother and apparently the jealous type, ordered her son to punish the princess Psyche by making her fall in love with the ugliest man in her kingdom. This would of course bring tremendous shame onto Psyche and would probably result in her being gradually excluded from the more exclusive princess parties. Cupid, Venus' son and apparently the clumsy type, failed in his mission. He accidentally shot himself in the foot with one of his enchanted arrows, and thus fell in love with Psyche himself. It should be noted that there is little reason to believe that the "real" Cupid in the legend is a diapered baby as he is generally portrayed in art and popular culture, so the story isn't as strange as it might sound.

All right, yes it is.

You see, because of Psyche's mortal status, she could not look at her lover, Cupid. She remained steadfast in this (perhaps giving us an explanation for the love is blind phrase? Hmm??) until her sisters talked her into doing it just one time. You know, for the hell of it. Well, this resulted in Cupid punishing his lover with banishment. To make a long story short, Psyche competed in some trials, died, and then was brought back to life, made a goddess, and she and Cupid lived happily ever after.

Well, I don't exactly know what piece of science or moral lesson was to be learned from this tale, but it made for some (mildly) interesting reading. I've often wondered if the ancient Roman actually believed in these tales at one time, like people believe in the Bible today, or if they were always just little stories to be shared over a light feast of grapes and olives. I guess I could go and research that as well, but I've had enough Internet searching for one day and I'm banned from the local library for pulling a Koontz.

Interesting Cupid facts:

His name translates literally as "desire". I don't know if you can say, "I cupid a brownie," though, so use with caution.

He is known as Eros in Greek mythology. (And in Penthouse's Guide to Ancient Myth.)

He rules over the dead in the underworld. Some folks call it Hell, I call it Hades.

Well, quit reading this blog and go show your significant other that you cupid them. And be careful where you shoot those love arrows.