Note from the Shark Tank: Due to a complicated and ongoing legal settlement, we have consented (i.e. have been lawfully obliged) to offer occasional column space to Hargood Levinson. Hargood is the 16 year old product of sparse homeschooling. Enjoy.
Welcome to my first Internet column! Thanks to Judge Hamilton for making this ruling, and thanks to the gheys at the Shark Tank for [edited for violating disclosure terms of settlement]. They said I could make this column be about anything I wanted to write about. Soooo, since it's the middle of February and a lot of people are getting sick, I might as well tell you why. Oooh, you weren't expecting that, were you?
You see, medical science isn't able to tell us why we get sick. It can only tell us when we are sick and what kind of disease we have (sometimes). It can't tell us how we got it or what it REALLY is. That's because these things are unknown. But that is exactly why you should never go to a doctor when you are sick. Think I'm joking? Look at these statistics.
99%--number of people who go to the doctor and die soon after.
1%--number of people who stay home when they are sick and then get better.
Now, which one of these groups would you rather be in? Alrite now really? The truth is the doctors cant tell you anything you don't already know. Do you have a stuffy head? Throwing up? You have the flu, probably, but what is the flu? How do you treat it? The doctors don't know, and neither do you. The only thing you can do is pray.
Take Cancer, for instance. If you type Cancer into Google you'll get a bunch of search results, but that's just people like you "guessing" at what it is. Like Wikipedia. You may not know this, but anyone can edit Wikipedia and put whatever they want in there. I could go there now, erase the whole Cancer article and just write, "Cancer is caused by being gay". But that doesn't make it true, does it? I could write "AIDS is caused by being gay" and then that would be true, but it's still a 50% chance that the information you find on the Internet or in books is completely made up.
So why is there such a thing as doctors and hospitals? Well, people are dumb enough to spend their money on just about anything, but they are there for a good purpose, too. Like if you get shot, but I don't really think anyone gets shot except in movies, so there goes that. But I guess if you tripped and fell and busted your head open you could go get stitches. Ummm, that's probably about all the hospital and doctors are good for. Save your money and you'll be a lot better off.