13 February 2009

Jason Voorhees' Father Speaks Out

Originally published in the Crystal Lake Clarion:

Killer's Father Condemns Murders, Sexual Promiscuity

Forest Green--The residents of Forest Green and Crystal Lake camp counselors have (slowly) learned that life in this area can be fleeting. This is of course due to one Jason Voorhees, the hockey-mask wearing super-serial killer who calls this land his own. While little is known about Voorhees, who has been thought dead on numerous occasions, even less is known about his family. While it is common knowledge that Voorhees' mother, Pamela, went on her own killing spree in the early eighties, few people know that Jason's father, Bill Voorhees, runs a model train shop on 3rd Street.

"I'm not looking for a lot of publicity," the elder Voorhees, 66, said. "I'm a simple man, love my trains is all." Love them he does. After divorcing Jason's mother following the tragic drowning of their son (the first of Jason's many deaths), he dove into his hobby with the zeal one can only muster after severe psychological scarring. "Here in the store we've got about thirty trains for sale, and several accessories," Voorhees says. "But the attic is where the real fun begins. There's a small cot, where I sleep, and the rest is dedicated to trains, trains, trains. Some people have accused me of spending too much time with them, but I reckon there's worse things I could be doing with my time."

Indeed, a look at his son's history in the area attests to that. When asked about his son's murderous rampages over the years, Voorhees grows reflective. "I don't suppose there's any need for all of that. People got a right to live and such. It wasn't how I raised the boy, but he was a twinge retarded." After pausing to apply a mild polish to a small red caboose, Voorhees continues. "I would say he's the worst scourge on the Crystal Lake community, but I'd have to save that title for all the wanton sex and marijuana use. This place is just rampant with teenage whoredom. If I had my way, any teenage couple found doing the deed in their car, or smoking a joint in a tent, would find themselves on the unlucky end of a foot long. . ." Voorhees trails off and sets the caboose down. "Citation from the police, is what I was going to say."


Ambrosia said...

Did it ever occur to Jason's father that his killing the dazed out teen whores could be his way of making his father take notice of him and showing that they have the same dislikes?

All the boy wants is a father....

Krueger said...

Good stuff..I left work early today to see the matinee of the new movie. I wasn't too thrilled with the lack of creativity with the kills.

pug said...

HA! I find this funny. Where'd you get this?

Shawn said...

It came from the mushy stuff in my skull.

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