When Dear Abby Fails, the Shark Tank is There!

When you can't get satisfactory advice from Dear Abby, Dr. Phil, or Lucy, it's time to turn to the Shark Tank for answers. It's a crying shame to see anyone wander the Internet, burdened with an unsolvable problem. This is where the Shark Tank steps in, takes the reins, and leads you back to the path of sanity and enlightenment. Let's go to the show.

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Dear Shark Tank, I'm sixteen, and I've been dating a guy for about 3 weeks now. Everything is going really well, except that my parents hate him! Yesterday my dad told me that I'll be shipped off to military school if he catches me with him even one more time. What can I do? My parents are ruining my life! Desperate in Des Moines


Dear Desperate, Your parents want what's best for you, but that can be difficult to see when you're only sixteen. At the same time, you can't have them ruining your life. What you need to do is kill them
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Dear Shark Tank, I'm 37 years old, and I think I've earned the right to play a little Halo when I damn well want to. The problem? My damn 6 year old brat always wants to hog the television so he can watch one of his kiddie programs. I've tried telling him "no" but the wife thinks I'm being selfish and even had the gall to say I was acting childish. How do I restore my mastery of this house? Irritated in Indianapolis

Dear Irritated, I hate to disappoint loyal readers of the Shark Tank, but I'm inclined to agree with your wife on this one. At the same time, I understand the feeling that can come with losing control over your household. If I were you, I would beat them, repeatedly
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Dear Shark Tank, I don't think things can get any worse. I never finish anything I start, my life is in shambles, I have no direction, and I'm ready to give up. Every day I come home from work and just cry until I fall asleep. What can I do? Hopeless in Houston

Dear Hopeless, Desperate times call for desperate measures. With the economy swirling down the drain, things are likely going to get worse. Your best bet is to get a gun, a razor blade, or a rope and commit
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Desperate in Des Moines Continued
with kindness. Perhaps if they see that this boyfriend is not having a deleterious effect on you, they will be more open to the idea of the two of you dating.


Irritated in Indianapolis Continued
at some of my favorite Xbox games. That way, you get to play your video games, you include the family, and you get to experience the visceral thrill of dominating, but in a harmless way. That is, of course, if you're better than them!


Hopeless in Houston Continued
yourself to a life changing strategy. It doesn't matter if it means taking up target shooting, barbering, or bullroping, it should be something so completely out of your element that it gives you a whole new way to look at your life. You might like what you see!