When Is It Okay?

I was reading an article some time ago that was addressing some of the variations on one of the most common questions people have--namely, "When is it okay...?" The questions and answers were so common and generic, however, I found myself losing interest rather quickly. "When is it okay to lie?" "When is it okay to wear white?" "When is it okay to...to...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

I looked through the article, but I couldn't find any answers to the questions I found most pressing in my life. Knowing that the article was likely to be popular and recurring, I penned a list of ten questions in the same format and submitted them to the magazine. Well, it's been roughly a year and none of my questions have made it into the magazine. However, I still need answers! Therefore, I'm turning to you...the Internet...to help me find the answers I'm seeking.




Question #1: When is it okay to eat one of those dishwasher detergent cakes?

***

Question #2: When is it okay to tell a department store clerk that you'd like to feel the inside of their pocket?

***

Question #3: When is it okay to don a rainbow colored vest and skip through a public park?

***

Question #4: When is it okay to use your finger to sample the salsa, rather than a chip?

***

Question #5: When is it okay to tell people you saw a dinosaur in their laundry hamper?

***

Question #6: When is it okay to poop in the shower?

***

Question #7: When is it okay to show co-workers your nude drawings of Abraham Lincoln?

***

Question #8: When is it okay to ask your father to change his name to Forrest Whitaker?

***

Question #9: When is it okay to admit to a (possible) homicide (legally speaking)?

***

Question #10: When is it okay to punch an otter?


Help me, Obi-Wan Commenters. You're my only hope.

Ten Suitable Punishments for Your Disobedient Brat

I was reading an interesting story the other day about a mom who had given her son up for adoption at the age of 7 because the kid would not listen to her or do anything she told him to do. Wash the dishes, no. Clean up your room, nuh uh. Go to bed at a decent hour, not gonna happen. What happened next was especially sad, as the boy was adopted by an unsavory religious cult in the Everglades and was soon eaten by an alligator as part of a bizarre ceremony. Even sadder, the alligator turned out to be allergic to brat, and died subsequently. Adding to the misfortune, the alligator's rotting corpse polluted a small section of the swamp, causing myriad wildlife to die or relocate.

Okay, I'm not sure if I really read that story somewhere or I dreamed it, but the point remains the same. Many parents are unable to get their kids to listen, and the results can be horrifying. As the Shark Tank is due for a judicial review next week, I thought it would be nice to once again give freely of my wise advice. Here, for struggling parents everywhere, are my top ten punishments to dole out to misbehaving children, so that they may avoid causing a minor ecological disaster in the future.

#10: Refuse to allow the child to wear his or her seatbelt for a three week period.

#9: Take away Playstation 3. Replace with Atari 2600.


#8: For teenagers: Drop child off in front of school each day for a week. Make big production out of kissing and hugging them before letting them go inside.

#7: For small child: Read them the classic children's book, The Invisible Bees Who Are Everywhere. Do not alert them to its fictional nature.

#6: Gently remind them that they are the reason Dad left.



#5: Threaten to pull car over.

#4: Friend them on Facebook. Immediately post brutally honest 25 Things About Me meme.

#3: Continue regimen of haphazard, rage-driven corporal punishment.

#2: Write a starkly inappropriate love note to his teacher, signed with his name. Instruct child to give to teacher.

#1: Pay neighborhood bully $5 to teach em a lesson.

Eat It, Ann Landers! Ask The Shark Tank Is Here.

Always more than happy to pick up the slack where other advice columnists fear to tread, Ask the Shark Tank is back to help you with the problems you can't solve yourself. To enrich your life and forge your road to recovery, read on.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Shark Tank,

To tell the truth, I'm a little embarrassed even writing in about this. It seems so silly. But when I read your post about Cheez-Its, I knew you might understand. You see, my husband likes to eat Cheez-Its in bed at night. The problem? Little cracker crumbs are all over the sheets! It's making the bed orange and it's making me red. With rage! What can I do?

Angry in Alabama


Dear Angry,

What you're experiencing is quite normal. It's when our significant others's cute habits start becoming not-so-cute. To address the problem specifically: sadly, you'll have to divorce him
(continued at bottom)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Shark Tank,

My girlfriend is driving me up the wall. She keeps going through my text messages, asking me "who is this girl?", "who is this girl?", over and over! I don't need this. What do you propose?

Smothered in Springfield

Dear Smothered,

When the green eye of jealousy happens upon you, you have only two choices. Prove your trustworthiness, or bail. To settle things once and for all, grab your girlfriend and hit her
(continued at bottom)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Shark Tank,

My husband and I have come to a crossroads. We have two beautiful children, but I want one more. What can I say? I love babies, and I think our family would be truly complete with one more child. My husband thinks differently. He insists on wearing a condom and has begun to speak of a vasectomy. I really don't know what to do. Help?

Longing in Lincoln

Dear Longing,

Marital disputes over the size of the family are common. However, if you're financially stable and have a warm home to bring another child into, logic may be on your side. Here's what you do: gather up all of your husband's condoms, and then poke holes
(continued at bottom)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Angry in Alabama Continued)
from those delicious cheese crackers somehow. Honesty is always the best policy, but try not to be too blunt about it. You may find you attract more flies with honey than vinegar.

(Smothered in Springfield Continued)
with some blatant truths. Explain that those girls mean nothing to you and let her watch while you delete them from your contacts list. Secrecy destroys relationships by breeding mistrust. If she continues to snoop in the absence of any good reason, you may have to employ therapy.

(Longing in Lincoln Continued)
in the reasons he gives for not wanting another child. Not in a snarky, "I'm winning this argument" fashion, but in a persuasive, loving way. At the end of the discussion, hand him the condoms and ask him to throw them away. If you've handled it right, he may just come around after all.

For more sage advice, click here

When Dear Abby Fails, the Shark Tank is There!

When you can't get satisfactory advice from Dear Abby, Dr. Phil, or Lucy, it's time to turn to the Shark Tank for answers. It's a crying shame to see anyone wander the Internet, burdened with an unsolvable problem. This is where the Shark Tank steps in, takes the reins, and leads you back to the path of sanity and enlightenment. Let's go to the show.

--------------------

Dear Shark Tank, I'm sixteen, and I've been dating a guy for about 3 weeks now. Everything is going really well, except that my parents hate him! Yesterday my dad told me that I'll be shipped off to military school if he catches me with him even one more time. What can I do? My parents are ruining my life! Desperate in Des Moines


Dear Desperate, Your parents want what's best for you, but that can be difficult to see when you're only sixteen. At the same time, you can't have them ruining your life. What you need to do is kill them
(continued at bottom)

--------------------------

Dear Shark Tank, I'm 37 years old, and I think I've earned the right to play a little Halo when I damn well want to. The problem? My damn 6 year old brat always wants to hog the television so he can watch one of his kiddie programs. I've tried telling him "no" but the wife thinks I'm being selfish and even had the gall to say I was acting childish. How do I restore my mastery of this house? Irritated in Indianapolis

Dear Irritated, I hate to disappoint loyal readers of the Shark Tank, but I'm inclined to agree with your wife on this one. At the same time, I understand the feeling that can come with losing control over your household. If I were you, I would beat them, repeatedly
(continued at bottom)


-----------------------------


Dear Shark Tank, I don't think things can get any worse. I never finish anything I start, my life is in shambles, I have no direction, and I'm ready to give up. Every day I come home from work and just cry until I fall asleep. What can I do? Hopeless in Houston

Dear Hopeless, Desperate times call for desperate measures. With the economy swirling down the drain, things are likely going to get worse. Your best bet is to get a gun, a razor blade, or a rope and commit
(continued at bottom)


----------------------------


Desperate in Des Moines Continued
with kindness. Perhaps if they see that this boyfriend is not having a deleterious effect on you, they will be more open to the idea of the two of you dating.


Irritated in Indianapolis Continued
at some of my favorite Xbox games. That way, you get to play your video games, you include the family, and you get to experience the visceral thrill of dominating, but in a harmless way. That is, of course, if you're better than them!


Hopeless in Houston Continued
yourself to a life changing strategy. It doesn't matter if it means taking up target shooting, barbering, or bullroping, it should be something so completely out of your element that it gives you a whole new way to look at your life. You might like what you see!