04 June 2009

Mythical Creatures

I don't know about you, but I'm getting a little tired of people going on and on about mythical creatures as if they were real. No, I'm not talking about unicorns and dragons. I'm not even talking about cryptids such as the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot. I'm talking about animals that everyone walks around, pretending that they really exist, when they know full well that they do not. Here are some examples:

The Black and White Cow

This creature was originally introduced into our culture through Elmer's Glue. Glue and cows aren't related in the least (in fact, they should have used a horse), and thus Elmer's had to invent a possible connection. Their solution? Take a black cow and make it look as though it had accidentally spilled glue all over itself. Instantly, the black and white cow was born. Now you see them in everything from milk commercials to Chic-Fil-A ads to cartoons. But you know one place you'll never see them? In real life.

The Duck Billed Platypus

I used to get a lot of enjoyment out of the DB Platy. What a fun animal, I thought. 50% duck, 50% beaver, 100% awesome. Then when I learned that it had venomous claws...well that just made it ten times as amazing. It was more than a simple animal. It was a Super Animal, like a dinosaur. But much like dinosaurs, the DB Platypus never really existed. Well? Have you ever seen one in real life? No, you haven't. Not even in a zoo.

The Panda

What is about the black and white coloring that draws people to make up these animals and then pretend that they are real? I'm convinced there's some connection to the Rorschach test, but I'll save that theory for another day. The panda is one of the cutest animals in the world, if only it was actually in the world. You can tell the powers that be are growing nervous about the cat escaping el baggo on this one, as they are starting to warn people that the panda is going extinct. Here is wisdom: anytime you hear about a creature that's about to go extinct? That probably means it never existed in the first place.

Suspected to be fake, but not confirmed: king cobra, octopus, three-toed sloth, tauntaun, and goat.

51 comments:

Thinkinfyou said...

I never knew a platypus had venomous claws...well they would if they actually existed. I wonder who came up with these fictitious animals because without the whole venomous claws thing they all seem sort of lame. I think I could do a better job at come up with some myself.

Heather Cherry said...

Dude... I guess this means Snuggles doesn't actually exist either then. He must be a pigment of my imagination.

Snuggles said...

HAY!

*mock indignation*

Oh look! A squirrel!...............

Eric said...

Until now, I'd never noticed how similar the imaginary panda is to the equally preposterous black and white cow... Important work you are doing here!

mama-face said...

Unicorns aren't for real? No way. I absolutely sure that I've seen one in real life. You really should check your facts on that one.

Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

"50% duck, 50% beaver, 100% awesome." If the platypus existed, this would be their slogan.

Thanks for exposing the frauds in the animal kingdom. And please look into the alleged "barracuda".

Shawn said...

Thinkin: Yeah, they would have done well to add venomous claws to the cow and the panda as well. Why even bother making up an animal if it's just going to sit there and dociley (?) eat vegetation.

Heather: Well, I already halfway suspected that.

Snuggles: Kidding.

Eric: Yeah...the creators of the panda got lazy. Uh, let's just make a cow and make it sort of like a bear and then say it lives in China. Yeah!

Mama-face: Eh, I don't really bother with fact checking on this blog. I pretty much know everything I need to know.

Chris: Ooh, nice one. That's almost certainly a fictitious animal, as is the piranha.

Mike said...

I like what your smokin. Can I buy some?

shopgirl101 said...

Does this mean the "Liger" isn't real, either. Damn it! I need to stop getting all my info from "Napolean Dynamite."

Vivienne said...

On no. Tauntauns are real. A guy I sat next to in High School science said that they were. He was super smart. Got an A on everything. Refused to be my lab partner (said I would drag down his average...) See. Super smart.

Scott Oglesby said...

I agree wholeheartedly Shawn! No way could a Panda be that big and have babies that small. I always knew they put a guy in a furry suit and made him sit on kittens!!
I think the biggest fake out of all is the “GERM.” “OH my god, if you don’t wash your hands you’ll die” WE can’t see them, but they will make us sick and could even kill us!! Yea Right, HA!! This is a conspiracy paid for by the hand sanitizer lobbyists, and big bleach!!

Jenn Thorson said...

Ah.... Somewhere, in the U.S., next year a this very time, there will be a kid, turning in his final science paper.

And in it, he will be cleverly busting the myths of the Animals That Weren't, citing our friend at the Shark Tank as the credible source.

Maybe you can talk to Chris Mauger and get a sense of how that amusing teacher-student conversation might go. :)

DouglasDyer said...

For you next post may I suggest exposing the myth of the female orgasm. I mean, who's ever seen one of those? Am I right guys? Guys?

Jeff said...

I too have wondered why imaginary objects are usually black and white. For instance, the black-and-white cookie, which some people believe to be real, was in fact a fictional cookie on "The Dinner Party" episode of Seinfeld. Why do people think this is real?

ReformingGeek said...

But Shawn, I know that Santa Claus....er..pandas are real . My neighbor feeds them with his ample supply of bamboo.

dizzblnd said...

Don't forget the polar bear. Noah Wiley would like you to believe that "global warming" is melting all of their ice and forcing them into extinction!

Shawn said...

Mike: I don't know what you're talking about. (come around back).

Shopgirl: The Liger is most certainly real, as is the Tion, its counterpart.

Vivienne: Compelling evidence, but I have to caution you: the "smarter" someone is, the more likely it is that their information is incorrect. Take Marilyn Vos Savant, for instance. Has she EVER been right about anything?

Scott: Excellent point. I can accept that we can't see germs, but you're telling me we can't feel them either? Riiight.

Jenn: That student will probably get an F in his class, but he'll be readily prepared for the real world, which is much, much more important.

Douglas: I'm beginning to wonder if sex itself is just a myth.

Jeff: Correct. The only black and white cookies in real life are Oreos. And they suck.

Reforming: Your neighbor is a fraud, and may be engaged in illegal activites. As a concerned citizen, you have a duty to report them to the authorities.

Dizz: See, extinction. Every time. Polar bears were invented by Coke.

Nan-Nan said...

I REEEEEEEALLY wish SPIDERS weren't real......could you work on that one for me, Shawnster? Please??

bearman said...

You mom never took you to the zoo you poor neglected boy.

ettarose said...

I sure hope PETA does not get a hold of this news. You have just blown the whole reason for their existence.

Maureen said...

No freakin' way! Tauntauns AREN'T REAL??? Holy crap... what else has George lied to me about????

Dave said...

Another little known power of the fictitious duck-billed platypus. They can shoot laser beams out of their eyes. You're right, they are neat critters.

Soda and Candy said...

Duh, all Australian animals are poisonous.

We figured it'd be LESS believable without poison... I can't believe you saw through our brilliant ruse.

Blue Balls the Clown III said...

There used to be goats, but they were slaughtered by the village idiots... Who then slaughtered themselves. Messy stuff… I miss those Village Idiots. Not surprisingly, sales in drool cups have never been the same since they vanished.

Shawn said...

Nan-Nan: ME TOO.

Bearman: I've been to plenty of zoos, and I've yet to see a platypus or a panda, and I've certainly never seen a black and white cow (or a cow of any kind) at a single one of them.

Ettarose: I'm pretty sure PETA exists for the glorification of PETA, and as such they have just as much reason to stick around now as ever.

Maureen: Calm down, they're only on the suspected list. I have more proof of their existence than some others.

Dave: And they can fly. And throw a 95 mph fastball (when pressured).

Soda: Oh, I've been fooled by your Aussie ways in the past, but no more. No more, I say.

BB the C the 3rd: Interesting! I did not know this secret history of the goat, and I had up till this moment thought the village idiot to be myth as well. You have brought enlightenment and wisdom to the comments, as always.

Dalton J. Fox said...

Wait a minute! Unicorns and dragons don't really exist? Why am I just now finding this out?!

unfinishedrambler said...

I don't think sharks exist either. I've only seen them in the movies. Black and white cows, though, are not just Chic-fil-A creations, I've seen them here in Pennsylvania. Sharks never seen them in the creeks around here, ergo they do no exist.

Meghann said...

LOL. You know what else doesn't exist? A man that can pick up his own socks
;-)
Meg

Shawn said...

Dalton: They can still exist in your heart. Like the panda.

Rambler: That is patently absurd. You have never seen a black and white cow and furthermore, Pennsylvania doesn't exist either.

Meghann: Eh, I usually manage to get mine into the basket. Or close to it. Same room, anyway.

C. Andres Alderete said...

There's also jackolopes. My father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate used to raise them on a ranch in El Paso.

C.B. Jones said...

I've seen a 1 toed sloth before. I think it had three, but only needed one to flip me off.

Margo said...

After reading this, I'm pretty sure there is a venomous clawed grimalkin in my yard.

Shawn said...

C. Andres: Well, those were verified on that old America's Funniest People show with Dave Coulier, so yeah...those are certainly real.

C.B.: How did you manage to piss off such a (supposedly) calm and lazy creature?

Margo: Whatever you do, don't recite poetry around it. I don't know why, but they HATE that.

dizzblnd said...

LMAO Shawn... you are right! WOW!

Wendy said...

Oh no, barracudas really do exist. I know this for a fact.

However, I do not.

Nate Fakes said...

Goats are definately NOT real! Never seem em. Ever.

Shawn said...

Dizz: I know. Thankfully, many others will now be enlightened.

Wendy: A lot of people say they know something for "a fact". I say it all the time, sometimes with absolutely no idea what I'm talking about.

Nate: Nope, me neither. Though I have been "goated", which is something I only wish didn't exist.

Mr. Condescending said...

how bout the elusive brown mouth trout?

otin said...

How about a condor, I always hear about these massive birds, have never seen one!

Shawn said...

Mr. Condescending: I've never even heard of that, much less know whether or not it exists.

Otin: Yeah, I doubt it. I'm pretty sure the condor is just a comic book character.

The Constant Complainer said...

Shawn, I am just stopping by. I saw that Reforming Geek mentioned you and I decided to click-through. Very fun blog. I'll be back for sure.

xveronikajonasx said...

Well, goats exist.
I don't know what you're talking about with the other creatures, but goats do exist.

+ if you really think about it, how do we know if anything exists at all? How can we even be sure of what we are? We go by what we hear or what we decide to believe right? So, theoretically speaking, the world we claim to live in is probably just a fringment of our imaginations.

But, I'm only fifteen. A teenager. I don't know what you've heard, but I have been told that I'm suppose to be wild and stupid. So I must be out of my mind.

xveronikajonasx said...

figment; my apologizes.

Shawn said...

Complainer: Thanks for stopping by.

Veronika: I'm willing to concede the possibility of goats existing, but I'm skeptical. And you're right: all of this could be a dream, or we could be in the Matrix, or we could be some higher beings' version of The Sims. We still have to play by the rules of the game, though, and those rules say there is no duck billed platypus.

Funnyrunner said...

WTF... 44 comments? geez. Okay... I have seen pandas with my own eyes (I think - maybe it was a movie projector?). You never come visit me any more... :(

George said...

How about that dreaded turkey buzzard? Yeah, right. I'd love to see one of those things.

Anonymous said...

ummmm....
I've seen like all of those animals in real life.
Just to let ya'll know.
Maybe they only exist in the south?

Anonymous said...

hey, and i was only kidding about the "only in the south" part. they are real!

Shawn said...

Funnyrunner: The Powers-That-Be are very deceptive! Do not be fooled.

Anon: You've seen none of them, I won't stand for lying on my blog.

slmlatimer2 said...

I always thought my dad was a goat, Mom use to call him an old goat, so goats have to be real.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, but I've seen all the animals above.

First the breed of the black and white cow in question is called holstein cattle. The ones I saw were awfully smelly and so dirty that the white parts looked almost brown, but still...

Platypus and panda, I've seen them too. Giant pandas are so rare that when they are given to other countries, they are offered as a national gift from the Chinese government and maybe that's why so few people actually have seen them...