The Shark Tank's Guide To A Successful Job Interview

With the economy in shambles and unemployment hitting record highs, people are finding it tougher than ever to find a good job. With the month of June in full swing, and many a college graduate finding themselves in the job market for the first time, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to let the world in on my foolproof secrets of the mysterious job interview. Grab a pencil and take some notes, ye unemployed masses.

Attire
Most job interview articles will tell you to dress up, making sure you're dressed appropriately for the position. Pish posh, I say. Dress comfortably. What's that? You think I'm wrong and the other articles are right? Fine, dress up like you're going to Sunday Mass. You can wear your power suit while you're working your new career as a jizz mopper at one of New York's finest pornographic theaters.

Cleanup on aisle 4

Although I personally can't stand them, I would advise buying a pair of bright Crocs for your interview. They are wildly popular, meaning the chances are good that your interviewer will own a pair as well. This will give you something in common, and could be just the right icebreaker you need. Ladies, this goes without saying, but the more cleavage the better. In fact, wearing a bikini top will often get you the job before a single word is spoken. Please note that this doesn't apply if the interviewer is a heterosexual female, but the chances of that are stunningly unlikely.

Your Time Is Valuable
It's important to let your interviewer know that your time is as valuable as his. What's that? You think you're supposed to play the role of subservient young ingenue in your first interview? Well, you keep thinking that, and you can look forward to a ten month excursion to the foothills of the Himalayan mountains as the only job you can find is that of a goatherd.

Pictured: goats; you

The first trick is to arrive to the building a full thirty minutes late. This will set a tone for the entire interview. Let this executive know that when it comes to you, he doesn't pull the strings. You do. Throughout the course of the interview, make sure to check your watch and sigh in an exaggerated manner at least twice. If he asks you one of those smart ass questions like, "Am I keeping you from something?", simply answer with, "Don't you ever condescend to me, you son of a bitch."

The Opener
After making your late appearance, you'll need to solidify your dominance over your interviewer with a tasteless, preferably racist joke. What's that? You would never tell a racist joke, regardless of the reason? That's excellent. You can look forward to years of not telling racist jokes in your new job as urine-taster at the Mountain Dew factory in East Lansing, Michigan.

Please note: if you can direct the racist joke explicitly towards the race of the interviewer, all the better. The joke can be any one of your choosing, but the ones that portray a black person/Asian/Latino/etc. in a powerful position as a ridiculous, fantasy concept are the best. It cannot be overstated how much more appropriate these jokes are if you happen to be white.

Ask Questions
A wise man once said "If you don't ask, you'll never know." Truer words were never spoken. I recommend asking at least forty-five questions throughout your interview, regardless of their relevancy. What's that? You think that's going overboard? Well, the phrase "going overboard" is soon going to be very descriptive of your life, as you embark on your new job as Manatee Sex Therapist off the gulf coast of Florida.

My, someone's been doing their vaginal exercises.

Here are some questions you can ask your interviewer, turning them into the interviewee:

"Is the starting pay in the millions?"

"Pocket Ace-King suited. Do you go all in preflop?"

"When is it okay to show your co-workers your nude drawings of Abraham Lincoln?" (Actually, I just need some more feedback on this one.)

The Closer
There is only one appropriate way to close a successful interview if a job offer has not been proffered: Threaten the interviewer's life. Do it in a half-joking way, of course, but you'll want to maintain a certain look in your eye that suggests you just may not be joking. It goes like this:

Interviewer: Well, we'll be in touch.

You: If you don't give me this job, I'm going to come to your house, chop up your family, and then eat your brains for dinner (ha, ha, ha, ha)

But while you're both sharing a hearty laugh, catch the interviewer's eye. Practice your "I'm really not joking" face in the mirror for best results.

That's just about all there is to it. Please let me know what kinds of wild successes you have with your new interviewing style, and feel free to share any small percentage of your new salary with me as a token of your appreciation. You see, I've been unemployed for quite some time...any little bit helps.