17 June 2009

The Shark Tank's Guide To A Successful Job Interview

With the economy in shambles and unemployment hitting record highs, people are finding it tougher than ever to find a good job. With the month of June in full swing, and many a college graduate finding themselves in the job market for the first time, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to let the world in on my foolproof secrets of the mysterious job interview. Grab a pencil and take some notes, ye unemployed masses.

Most job interview articles will tell you to dress up, making sure you're dressed appropriately for the position. Pish posh, I say. Dress comfortably. What's that? You think I'm wrong and the other articles are right? Fine, dress up like you're going to Sunday Mass. You can wear your power suit while you're working your new career as a jizz mopper at one of New York's finest pornographic theaters.

Cleanup on aisle 4

Although I personally can't stand them, I would advise buying a pair of bright Crocs for your interview. They are wildly popular, meaning the chances are good that your interviewer will own a pair as well. This will give you something in common, and could be just the right icebreaker you need. Ladies, this goes without saying, but the more cleavage the better. In fact, wearing a bikini top will often get you the job before a single word is spoken. Please note that this doesn't apply if the interviewer is a heterosexual female, but the chances of that are stunningly unlikely.

Your Time Is Valuable
It's important to let your interviewer know that your time is as valuable as his. What's that? You think you're supposed to play the role of subservient young ingenue in your first interview? Well, you keep thinking that, and you can look forward to a ten month excursion to the foothills of the Himalayan mountains as the only job you can find is that of a goatherd.

Pictured: goats; you

The first trick is to arrive to the building a full thirty minutes late. This will set a tone for the entire interview. Let this executive know that when it comes to you, he doesn't pull the strings. You do. Throughout the course of the interview, make sure to check your watch and sigh in an exaggerated manner at least twice. If he asks you one of those smart ass questions like, "Am I keeping you from something?", simply answer with, "Don't you ever condescend to me, you son of a bitch."

The Opener
After making your late appearance, you'll need to solidify your dominance over your interviewer with a tasteless, preferably racist joke. What's that? You would never tell a racist joke, regardless of the reason? That's excellent. You can look forward to years of not telling racist jokes in your new job as urine-taster at the Mountain Dew factory in East Lansing, Michigan.

Please note: if you can direct the racist joke explicitly towards the race of the interviewer, all the better. The joke can be any one of your choosing, but the ones that portray a black person/Asian/Latino/etc. in a powerful position as a ridiculous, fantasy concept are the best. It cannot be overstated how much more appropriate these jokes are if you happen to be white.

Ask Questions
A wise man once said "If you don't ask, you'll never know." Truer words were never spoken. I recommend asking at least forty-five questions throughout your interview, regardless of their relevancy. What's that? You think that's going overboard? Well, the phrase "going overboard" is soon going to be very descriptive of your life, as you embark on your new job as Manatee Sex Therapist off the gulf coast of Florida.

My, someone's been doing their vaginal exercises.

Here are some questions you can ask your interviewer, turning them into the interviewee:

"Is the starting pay in the millions?"

"Pocket Ace-King suited. Do you go all in preflop?"

"When is it okay to show your co-workers your nude drawings of Abraham Lincoln?" (Actually, I just need some more feedback on this one.)

The Closer
There is only one appropriate way to close a successful interview if a job offer has not been proffered: Threaten the interviewer's life. Do it in a half-joking way, of course, but you'll want to maintain a certain look in your eye that suggests you just may not be joking. It goes like this:

Interviewer: Well, we'll be in touch.

You: If you don't give me this job, I'm going to come to your house, chop up your family, and then eat your brains for dinner (ha, ha, ha, ha)

But while you're both sharing a hearty laugh, catch the interviewer's eye. Practice your "I'm really not joking" face in the mirror for best results.

That's just about all there is to it. Please let me know what kinds of wild successes you have with your new interviewing style, and feel free to share any small percentage of your new salary with me as a token of your appreciation. You see, I've been unemployed for quite some time...any little bit helps.


Funnyrunner said...

Okay; I've been practicing! I think I have the "I'm not REALLY kidding" look down! Only... darnit! I'm employed... I think I'll use it on the little urchins (sons) who have invaded my peace and quiet for the summer! They're currently in front of the TV (because I am SUCH a good mom) fighting over couch space. It's delightful.

Jeff said...

I once interviewed someone who, when I asked if he had any questions, wanted to know about paid sick days and vacation days, and that was it. No other questions about the job itself. Red flag. Of course this was not for the job of manatee labia fondler, so I can see why he'd want all that time off.

Jenn Thorson said...

So, um, Shawn... when do you think you'll get your next full-time gig?

I mean, er, one can only assume you're currently enjoying the joie de vivre and giving-it-to-The-Man lifestyle by being, er, employment free at the moment. :)

Scott Oglesby said...

Amazing advice as usual Shawn! I can personally attest that some of those methods do in fact work great. I was able to obtain the turnpike job by casually mentioning that I have a carrying permit and travel with a fully loaded AK!! That followed by a lot of horrible quotes like, “it puts the new employee paperwork in the basket or else it gets the hose again” and “I wonder if ‘going postal’ and ‘going turnpike’ are interchangeable? It worked really well!
Now that I’m in Spain though, I’m unemployed again. I was thinking of running for mayor of a small village, but if I don’t win, do you have any pull with the manatee sex therapist people? I’d move back to Florida for that gig!!

C. Andres Alderete said...

Another thing I've found effective is to draw attention to your unzipped fly. You've gotta go commando on this one, people.

C.B. Jones said...

Manatee Sex Therapist? They let anybody do that, or do they go through background checks to weed out potential pervs?

I'm just asking for a friend of mine. He's the potential perv, not me.

dizzblnd said...

Fist.. I love the new look.. did you grow a pair and submit your blog and that's the reason you changed your template?

Just crackin your nuts.. you know that.

The advice... wellllll let me put it to you this way.. I will be keeping my job seeking daughter from your blog today ;P

Jen said...

With this great advice you just might be able to clear the way to land that job. Except the Croc thing is right on.

I interviewed once with a woman who had penciled on her eyebrows (weird since she was about 25 and I thought only old people did that) anyway, she rubbed her forehead right before the interview (she was interviewing me) and her eyebrow was going all the way to the top of her forehead, in the middle of her face. I didn't say a thing but fretted over it the whole time. I got the job however. It lasted for about a year before the lay offs game of busted dot com bust. Hang in there.

Quirkyloon said...

Hilarious post!

Crocs? Ugh. Oh and I like the already offered racist remark you've given:

"if the interviewer is a heterosexual female, but the chances of that are stunningly unlikely."



Shawn said...

Funnyrunner: Wow, you're letting your kids watch TV? What's the occasion? Cell phones are just the next step...

Jeff: Well, let's face it, those are important concerns. I once asked how much "break time" I would get. And I actually got that job!

Jenn: Well, that may be true, but I don't think my interviewing techniques are to blame. They are rock solid.

Scott: Being an expert in the ways of the local elections as you are, I don't think you'll have any trouble ascending to mayor.

C.Andres: Yes, powerful advice. It's all about psychology.

C.B.: Um, tell your...friend...to send me an email. I'll hook...him...up.

Dizz: It's more of a mistake in progress. And NO, your daughter NEEDS this advice!

Jen: LOL! Yeah, I wouldn't have been able to keep a straight face.

Quirky: Well, what am I going to do, lie to my readers? ;)

Chris said...

Shawn, I do believe I've interviewed a few folks who've taken your advice to heart. You are truly making a difference in our school system (as I'm sure to NOT hire these nutjobs).

Bearman said...

Once made a sales call on someone. Waited 15 minutes past our scheduled appointment and told the receptionist I was leaving. She was astonished knowing this guy was so hard for me to get an appointment with in the first place.

Just then, the guy comes out. I tell him that I am leaving and would be happy to reschedule. He was like "what"? I said, what I have to share with you is going to take the entire 30 minutes we scheduled. Knowing you are a busy man, I don't want to rush it, but I am also a busy man and have other appointments (I didn't).

By the time I got back to the office, his receptionist had called with an alternate date to meet.

Thinkinfyou said...

WOW! You are hired!!!

Eric said...

Ugh @ mopper...
ps - How about asking the interviewer occasionally if you can twitter an excellent answer to their previous question?

obladi oblada said...

Sheesh-hate Mountain Dew much?

Shawn said...

Chris: Come on, now, it's not like I'm advising anyone to go in and act like a crazy killer. Oh wait, I guess I did advise just that.

Bearman: That's awesome! Most sales people would sit there all afternoon rather than risk losing the sale.

Thinkin: I'm afraid to ask what type of employment I've stumbled into.

Eric: If I was the boss, even the slightest mention of Twitter would mean an immediate end to the interview.

Obladi: No, no, you misunderstand. I LOVE Mt. Dew. Probably more than most people can understand. But, you have to think, with it's appearance, there is a slight danger of urine contamination. Someone has to test the batch.

ReformingGeek said...

What? You left out sleep with the interviewer? No wonder I didn't get the job.

Yeah, you know I'm kidding. My boobs aren't big enough!

Candice said...

And when all else fails, show 'em your titties!

Worked for me anyway.

Soda and Candy said...

Euw, Crocs.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

wow! No wonder I am still unemployed! I have been doing it the wrong way all this time. Thanks Sean. You're a real assho..er, I mean great guy.
I meant you're a real great guy. Yes I did. A GGREAT GUY! Yesiree.

Dave said...

I may have missed the main idea of your post, but only because I was taking copious notes while reading it. Wish me luck next Wednesday!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I just realized that I spelled your name wrong Shawn. Looks like I'm the real great guy now. Sorry.

Shawn said...

Reforming: I didn't want to include "duh" advice. I like to give my readers some credit.

Candice: That's pretty much in the article.

Candy's: That's okay, it happens all the time. Not that often when my name is right there in written form, but still...

Dave: You'll do great! May I recommend the purple Crocs?

Claire Collins said...

I wore a bikini top to get the job I have now. I get to hire people. I had a lady come in and when I told her we performed drug and alcohol tests prior to hire, she told me that all of her drugs were legal.

Yeah, thanks but no thanks.

Theresa said...

Jizz mopper? Absof**kinglutely classic.

Dalton J. Fox said...

"Pocket Ace-King suited. Do you go all in preflop?" - Depends, but probably not.

Also, should we learn Japanese for our interview too?

Shawn said...

Claire: I once worked with someone who, when told they would have to submit to a drug test simply said, "Oh. Well I won't pass that..."

Theresa: I don't think it's anyone's idea of a dream job.

Dalton: Agreed...that hand has cost me a LOT of games. And yes, Japanese wouldn't hurt, but make sure it's the right dialect.

George said...

Racist jokes about jizz-mopping has always kept me at the top of go-to pile of applicants. Heed these hints, job seekers. Shawn is a friggin' genius!

Nan-Nan said...

Where DID you find that Manatee photo? And what possessed you to write that caption?!?! I am WHEEZY, and have no mascara left- I have laughed so hard, Gyah! Give me a break here......

Blue Balls The Unemployed said...

I find that showing up to a job interview in my pajamas with a crack pipe in my mouth has gotten me the results I desire – to go home and lie around in my pajamas and smoke more crack.

Shawn said...

George: Yes! Someone who can verify my tips.

Nan: LOL, I think I'm just going to start sending my posts to you. I don't think anyone appreciates them more. :)

Blue Balls: Crack is wack, yo.

Nan-Nan said...

Scene at a bar-

Her: "Yeah, so what do you do for a living, Handsome?"

Him: "Why, I'm a Manatee Sex Therapist! Not many of us around, THAT's for sure!"

Her: "Oh wowwww...that must be so, um, fulfilling.....gee look at the time...gotta go..."

Him: "Was it something that I said?"

kathcom said...

I once interviewed a guy who was wearing a button that said "I wouldn't fuck her with your dick."

Now I regret not having hired him.

Lunatron (aka Jamie) said...

Dear Shawn-
I'm writing this from the county jail, post interview, and there's a large man eyeballing me. Do these techniques work for a jailbird with a penchant for homosexual relations?

Amanda said...

"Don't you ever condescend me you son of a bitch."

Seeing as how I am looking for a job, I think I might try this one.


Ambrosia said...

I always wondered what I'd been doing wrong.

Next time I get an interview, I'll wear a bikini top, show up 45 minutes late (damn right I'm ambitious!) and manage to combine the tasteless joke with the questions before I threaten to set him up for the murder of everyone on his block and thank him for hiring me.

Thanks for setting me straight! You should be a career guru!