06 May 2009

Does Not Work Well With Others

I was in the third grade when the issue first came up. My teacher--Ms. Forrest--asked us all to divide into groups of four so we could work on an art project together. The idea was for us to take a piece of posterboard and each decorate it until it made a collage of our various interests. Seemed simple enough. We had plenty of magazines and newspapers from which to cut out applicable pictures.

Well, even with the abundance of materials, I couldn't find any pictures to represent my personal interests (standing on my head against a wall, tasting dog food, and shooting old people with my BB gun being chief among them). My teammates grew irritated as I continuously failed to add anything to the collage. Finally, one of the kids, a fastidious boy named Phil, said, "If you're not gonna help, I'm gonna tell Ms. Forrest."

I nodded in acknowledgment of this threat and pretended to return to my search. I further pretended to have finally found a picture suitable for my needs. I picked up the scissors and acted as though I was about to cut out the picture. When Phil satisfied himself that I was finally working, I lifted up his shirt and cleanly cut off his right nipple with the scissors. It dropped to the floor with an audible plop. He screamed out and the entire class turned to our group just in time to see me grab the severed nipple, apply a thin coating of rubber cement, and stick it to the posterboard.

Not only did this act of violence get me expelled from Better Growth Elementary, and not only was I placed in a special psychiatric program for several months, but I earned a phrase in my permanent records that has never left me: Does not work well with others.

Well, finally a select and daring group of girls has decided (however unwisely) to look beyond my checkered past and give me a chance to be part of a team. With that said, I introduce to you (those who may have missed the giant banner in the sidebar for the last couple of days) my new TEAM-POWERED blog! It's called The Open Letters Blog, and it is the best thing since sliced nipples. Er, bread. With the combined forces of---



HEATHER CHERRY






and, of course


--we have developed a blog that will embiggen the spirit and liriash the soul. Please join us as we write serious, thought-provoking letters, stimulate the mind (if not the economy), and, above all, work well with others.

50 comments:

Quirkyloon said...

Sharkie I'm still cracking up at your Nickelback letter.

I'm sure you and your comradettes are going to do just fine.

In fact, I'm counting on it. I'm already a follower!

Winky Twinky said...

Quite a talented team...I've checked it out and am also a follower. Your Burger King letter had me almost crying..of course I was already giddy from reading through some of the other ones first. Looking forward to more where those came from!!

Funnyrunner said...

Sheesh. I signed up to follow it 2 days ago... lol. Love it!

dizzblnd said...

Sometimes I am not sure what to think about you! But it doesn't matter, because as you know, you are one of my favorite bloggers.

I will follow the other blog, I know I won't be disappointed

Heather Cherry said...

I think I'm going to have to make that picture my new avatar! Such a great likeness.

Here's to embiggening the spirit!

Cheers!

Shawn said...

Quirky: Thanks, that's why you rule and others drool.

Winky: You, too, are worthy of the highest accolades.

Funnyrunner: Awesome does not even begin to describe you.

Dizz: Yeah...I get that a lot. The first part, not the second. Thanks.

Heather: It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.

freetheunicorns said...

Looking forward to the new blog. I heart open letters.

As for this, you really cut off someone's nipple. That's actually quite impressive. Makes me being told I need to reach my potential by every teacher I had seem pretty lame.

C.B. Jones said...

Would you be interested in becoming the spokesperson for a new product I just came up with? bladed nun chucks called "Slice-Chaku".

Vic said...

The nipple amputation made my jaw fall open. Truly didn't see that coming.

So....You're over that particular impulse by now, right? Just in case I ever meet you in person?

Lady Sarcasm said...

I really cannot get the sliced nipples out of my head. I'm going to go and get some Madonna cups on my boobages before I head over to that blog!

Shawn said...

FTU: I used to wear a Bart Simpson "Underachiver...and proud of it, dude" shirt when I was in 5th grade. My teacher thought it was most appropriate.

C.B.: Yep, just send me a contract.

Vic: Yeah, I'm reformed. Just don't criticize my collages.

LS: Open Letters Blog is 100% sliced nipple free. At least I think so, you might have to check with the girls.

Chris said...

The poor denippled Phil. Looking forward to the other blog!

Nan-Nan said...

I would NOT have wanted to be YOUR lab partner in high school Chemistry class. I'm thinkin' you uttering "oops" woulda taken on a whole new meaning. That self portrait of you- very insightful. It says "Yeah, I'm bad. When I walk, buildings shake, and bad guys wet their pants!" Is there no end to your skills?

DouglasDyer said...

Well, I didn't see that coming. And now I can't stop seeing it. Bastard.

Dog Breath said...

Do you provide a nipple removal service?

I really don't have any better use for mine than having them pasted on a collage, so mine are available.

I never really thought about having them removed till now and it really makes sense.

Venom said...

WTH???

How did you get scissors THAT sharp in grade 3?

Shawn said...

Chris: It's off the chain, yo.

Nan-Nan: Well, I was classically trained, so I can't take all the credit for my artistic creations.

Douglas: The pleasure, as always, was all mine.

Dog Breath: Very well, set up an appointment and bring your own anesthesia.

Venom: I don't know that the scissors were that sharp. I think his nipple was just poorly attached.

Tina said...

Awesome. I'm concerned though about your classmate. Did he get that nipple re-attached? Is he living life with only one nipple?

ReformingGeek said...

Sounds good. I'll check it out. Please stay away from my nipples!

Dave said...

Between your drawings and your nipplectomy story, I would expect those nice men in the white jackets to be knocking shortly. And I hear they have a "jacket" ready for you, too.

JerseyGirl said...

...there's a lot more where that came from.

JerseyGirl said...

...also...heroes in a half-shell. turtle power. turtle battery. i mean...turtle power.

otin said...

Lorena"Shawn" Bobbit LOL!

George said...

Looks like you're fitting in well with civilization now, Shawn.

Shawn said...

Tina: I'm pretty sure nipples grow back. They're like the arms of a starfish.

Reforming: You don't have to keep telling me that! Once is enough.

Dave: They'll never take me alive!

Jersey: I don't know what you are possibly talking about. And yeah, I thought about adding headbands, but I thought it might take away from the realism.

Otin: Well, that comment just proves it could have been a lot worse.

George: Trying, trying. By the way, I hope you don't feel threatened by my life-like illustrations.

Marissa said...

I'll check out the new blog. Loved the nunchucks!
*hands protectively cupping my nips*

brookeamanda said...

Damn, I have to write thought provoking letters! No one said anything about that!! By the way,I LOVE my stick figure alter-ego. That's actually EXACTLY what I look like :)

Caleb said...

This is my first time in the Shark Tank. Great writing. My nipples will never be confident again.

JerseyGirl said...

i'm both saddened and disappointed at your lack of movie-quoting knowledge.

do better.

Jeff Tompkins said...

I wrote an open letter to myself to follow that blog. Good stuff.

Shawn said...

Marissa: Glad you could tell what they were. Kinda difficult to draw.

Brooke: Well crap, I was counting on you for the thought-provoking stuff. It certainly isn't going to come from me.

Caleb: Thanks for stopping by. You should never let your nipples get too confident.

Jersey: Ooops!

Jeff: You won't be disappointed. Well, you might be, but maybe not.

david mcmahon said...

Like a good golfer, you made the cut.

So you always wanted to be a surgeon, right, Shawn!

Kirsten said...

Okay! I was eating! You gotta warn me when you bring up severed nipples. I'm a pimp and all, but whatever...

Bearman said...

very impressed by the line work of your drawings. Good stuff.

Shawn said...

David: A surgeon or an artist. I feel equally suited to either.

Kirsten: Consider it revenge for many a gag-inducing photo.

Bearman: Thank you. Can you believe those only took about an hour a piece?

George said...

Yer gonna put me outta a job, Shawn. If I was actually getting paid and this wasn't merely part of my community service, I'd be shakin' in my leg warmers.

Kelly said...

Have fun with your new blog! And if those ladies every complain of you not playing well with others, well...you warned them didn't you? After all, it's on your permanent record.

alantru said...

You were the Van gogh of third graders -- only smarter. Why sever your ear when an annoying kid’s nipple will do? Well played!

RockstarMama said...

My Kindergarten teacher sent home a very concerned letter reporting to my mom that I would only play with the boys. Still holds true today. Growing up is for suckers.

Jen said...

I've lurked on the new site and must say it is funny. Maybe you could write an open letter of apology to Phil for being such a wuss that you had to cut off his nipple to help him man up. Just a thought.

Shawn said...

George: I know, I didn't mean to show you up.

Kelly: Exactly. Although, to be fair, I didn't warn them ahead of time and now they might feel stuck.

Alan: Well said. I have continued that Van Gogh legacy with this post.

Rockstar: Well, let's face it. Girls at that age are boring.

Jen: Thanks. That might be a good idea. He could be sitting around, smearing lipstick on his face, adding names to his "People to kill" list right as we speak.

ettarose said...

Well I am here to leave a comment while I am writing a post, well honoring you so to speak.(not done yet) and I find out you are crazed nipple chopper offer. Damn you my tit's hurt now.

Shawn said...

Ettarose: A post in my honor? You must be hurting for material! ;)

Julia D said...

omg. you are too funny, my friend.

Shawn said...

Julia: Thanks, partnerrr.

Professor Chaos said...

if Julia D. is involved, count me in!

Mango Girl said...

Just found you...

I can picture the nipple removal. I am dying laughing...that is, well, uhm, fucking hilarious!

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