I was in the third grade when the issue first came up. My teacher--Ms. Forrest--asked us all to divide into groups of four so we could work on an art project together. The idea was for us to take a piece of posterboard and each decorate it until it made a collage of our various interests. Seemed simple enough. We had plenty of magazines and newspapers from which to cut out applicable pictures.
Well, even with the abundance of materials, I couldn't find any pictures to represent my personal interests (standing on my head against a wall, tasting dog food, and shooting old people with my BB gun being chief among them). My teammates grew irritated as I continuously failed to add anything to the collage. Finally, one of the kids, a fastidious boy named Phil, said, "If you're not gonna help, I'm gonna tell Ms. Forrest."
I nodded in acknowledgment of this threat and pretended to return to my search. I further pretended to have finally found a picture suitable for my needs. I picked up the scissors and acted as though I was about to cut out the picture. When Phil satisfied himself that I was finally working, I lifted up his shirt and cleanly cut off his right nipple with the scissors. It dropped to the floor with an audible plop. He screamed out and the entire class turned to our group just in time to see me grab the severed nipple, apply a thin coating of rubber cement, and stick it to the posterboard.
Not only did this act of violence get me expelled from Better Growth Elementary, and not only was I placed in a special psychiatric program for several months, but I earned a phrase in my permanent records that has never left me: Does not work well with others.
Well, finally a select and daring group of girls has decided (however unwisely) to look beyond my checkered past and give me a chance to be part of a team. With that said, I introduce to you (those who may have missed the giant banner in the sidebar for the last couple of days) my new TEAM-POWERED blog! It's called The Open Letters Blog, and it is the best thing since sliced nipples. Er, bread. With the combined forces of---
and, of course
--we have developed a blog that will embiggen the spirit and liriash the soul. Please join us as we write serious, thought-provoking letters, stimulate the mind (if not the economy), and, above all, work well with others.