04 May 2009

Humor Writer Needed

Last week, my friend Unfinished Rambler (yeah, that's the name he was born with...hippie parents, I guess) made a post chronicling his decision to apply for an online humor writing job. He remained steadfastly reluctant to name the site, due to his fears that he would "jinx himself out of the job" (read: didn't want any competition). Of course, being the master sleuth that I am, I quickly ferreted out the site he was talking about. Well, at that point I would have left it alone, but then I thought, "Self, you could use some extra money. Why don't you undercut Rambler and try out for the job yourself?" And, being the good friend that I am, I decided to do just that. After all, the category was "Web Humor". I could do that. I could go for DAYS on web humor. I just had to prove it to the people in charge of hiring. So...without wasting a moment, I sent off this letter:

To Whom It May Concern,

I would very much like to apply for your position of Web Humorist. All my life, I've struggled with my fear of spiders, but I think in the meantime, I've managed to find the humor in our arachnid friends' "homes". I mean, really? A web? That's what you're going to live in, Spider? I should think you'd want to find a more suitable abode, such as a house, or maybe a trailer at the very least. A web? That doesn't even make sense!

Like the above, I can riff on spiders and their webs endlessly. I even know a few good web jokes.

What is a spider's favorite snack brand? Little Webbie!

Knock Knock. Who's there? Spiderweb. Spiderweb Who? Spiderweb me in, please!

All right, that one needs some work, but that was just off the top of my head! Imagine the kind of stuff I could come up with if you were paying me. Better stuff than Rambler, that's for sure.

Anyway, just let me know I've got the job, and I'll fill up your site with web humor the likes of which you could never imagine. I was even thinking you could call the column "Shawnlotte's Web". But, eh, we can iron that kind of thing out later. Thanks for considering me!

Spinning me right round,

Shawn


Well, if I can give this site credit for anything, it's for their quick responses.

Shawn,

Thank you for your interest in the Web Humor position. I can honestly say your letter stood out from the bunch, and we have enjoyed passing it around the office. Unfortunately, it was also--bar none--the dumbest piece of writing I've ever come across in my thirty years in the business. Please note that I'm speaking not only of professional submissions, but of letters in the mail, half-finished grocery lists, and Youtube comments as well.

Thanks,

Jim Contrell, Editor


Well, another job opportunity down the drain. Good luck, Rambler. Hopefully they liked your spider jokes better than mine.

***

Thankfully, there are some people left that do appreciate my brand of humor. I'd like to direct your attention to Venom, Secrets, and Lies. Venom has written a tribute post to The Shark Tank! I highly recommend each and every one of you head over there right now and check it out. Personally, I think it's the best blog post I've ever read. I'm serious. I've read it three times already and saved it to my hard drive. You'll likely want to do the same. While you're there, stay a while and check out some of her other posts--I think you'll find a blog worth reading. So thanks, Venom! Good to see some people haven't lost their sense of humor.

53 comments:

Chris said...

Mr Editor was a bit rude wasn't he? I mean, honestly, YouTube comments. I've seen what people write on YouTube. Example ...

"Yo iz wiked yeah. luvin me it , kenye is like totalz hottie"

At least you used a spell checker and punctuation.

Lady Sarcasm said...

They should have hired you, that was a most excellent piece! Oh and thanks for getting that "right round" song stuck in my head.. :)

Jenn Thorson said...

You know, I myself would TOTALLY have read your Web Humorist column, if they'd awarded it to you. There is a huge unfilled niche right now for spider humor. And I think they're missing a good thing by not hiring you.

High fives on eight legs to ya!

George said...

They should have given you the job. I liked your letter!

freetheunicorns said...

I guess they don't know the web (and all it's spider like attributes) as well as you do. Shame, you could have taught us a lot.

unfinishedrambler said...

Well, I, for one, am glad that you failed at your attempt at getting the job, but think Mr. Contrell might have been just a bit harsh in his assessment. Venom, however, is completely correct in her assessment of your other abilities.

Shawn said...

Chris: Yeah, that part hurt. Youtube comments are the notorious tard zone of the internet.

Chica: Not a problem!

Jenn: There really is very little spider humor to go around. Maybe a petition is in order.

George: Thanks, man. Employers everywhere seem to overlook my gifts.

FTU: Indeed. Who knows what they were thinking.

Shawn said...

Rambler: Yeah, well it was probably karma getting me back for my unwarranted backstabbing. ;)

dizzblnd said...

tHEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE MISSING OUT ON BY NOT HIRING YOU!

stupid caps lock

Quirkyloon said...

Chin up Sharkie! Chin up!

heh heh

Funny post Sharkie!

Chris said...

Clearly the suits have no sense of irony. "Spiderweb me in, please." HILARIOUS!

Heather Cherry said...

Little Webbie. LOL!

Dave said...

That editor wouldn't know a good thing if it bit him in the spinnerets. His loss.

Shawn said...

Dizz: I KNOW WHAT IS THEIR PROBLEM?

Quirks: I'll keep my chin up, but I'm not going to smile.

Chris: I know, I know. It was classic! Oh well.

Heather: Best wrapped in silk before consumption.

Dave: See, there you go. You should go out for the job, too!

Jeff Tompkins said...

I don't know how anyone could have rejected your letter of interest. Clearly the terrorists have won.

DouglasDyer said...

LIKE A RECORD BABY RIGHT ROUND ROUND ROUND. I WANT YOUR LOOOOUHOOOOUHOOOOOVE!!!! You burn in hell shark man.

ettarose said...

Shawn, I am sorry they had no sense of web humor. It makes you think why are they in the business if they turned down someone such as yourself that could spin such tales.

ReformingGeek said...

My what large teeth you have, Mr. Shawn. I think that's what scared them off. Criticizing your writing skills was just a ruse. They were terrified of getting eaten.

nipsy said...

Just another example of a humor writer done wrong. But hey, you could always get over your fear on a quick trip to Fear Factor:)

Marissa said...

I'm with ReformingGeek. Surely there's a shark discrimination lawsuit here. It's the dorsal fin, isn't it? Spielberg ruined the earning potential of many funny sharks.

Shawn said...

Jeff: Clearly. Perhaps Contrell is still in 9/10 mentality. Wake up, dude!

Douglas: Oh yeah, simmer in it. Love it.

Ettarose: I can only assume they haven't studied web humor the way I have and just weren't sure what to expect.

RG: This could be. Although I'd think someone with real fear wouldn't have been quite so hostile.

Nipsy: Not for $50,000, not for a million.

Marissa: Not just sharks. The whole writing world is very mammal-based and exclusive. It's a shame we haven't moved on, but what are you gonna do.

otin said...

Humor=Dumb, anyone that does not get that doesn't know how to be funny!

FrankandMary said...

I like all the unintended funny in the world. A thinking person finds humor in almost anything.
~Mary

Funnyrunner said...

Yahoo! Congratulations and well deserved. Your blog does, indeed, weave wonderful witticisms.

Bearman said...

Thankfully they did NOT give you the job. Then they would make me PAY to read your stuff.

brookeamanda said...

So...how much did you pay Venom to write that post?

Maureen said...

Aw, crap. I would love to read more spider knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock jokes. (Spiders do have six legs, right???)

I would have applied myself, but I don't do humor. I do HUMOUR.

Now, if they were advertising for a web-humoUr writer, I would give it a go, even though I am arachnophobic.

alantru said...

I am sending a 1000 tarantulas to Mr. Editor's home. Hopefully that will help convince him to reconsider his most foolish decision. Bwehahahaha!

Shawn said...

Otin: Glad to hear about that equation. I'll never again hesitate to call someone humorous.

Mary: Absolutely. It's easier to find than the intended stuff sometimes.

Funnyrunner: Ha, yes that's what I'm all about.

Bearman: I don't think even they would be so foolish as to think people would do that.

Brooke: Shhhh!

Maureen: Spiders have 8 legs! And there's no u in humor! God, you Canadians. ;)

Alan: Thank you for your support, Alan. I'm not even going to ask why you have 1000 tarantulas.

Old School said...

Funny stuff.

Does not seem like that editor has much of a sense of humor. Thus I would imagine that site not to be all that humorous itself.

Maureen said...

Aw crap, so six knocks whilst the thing stood on two legs, okay??

And yes, humour does too have a "U"... in proper English countries, that is... ;)

Shawn said...

Old School: Well, they're considering hiring Rambler, what more do you need to know? ;)

Maureen: Sounds plausible. As for the English thing, does anyone get more upset than Americans when it comes to people speaking other languages? I think not. Thus, I think this proves propriety.

Day Marie said...

Oh, I think you may have been confused at the word "web".
They most likely meant Webkinz.

They're an exciting new stuffed animal that's receiving a lot of hype.
You may want to jump on that boat and catch up quick, lest you are left in the olden days of stuffed animals gathering webs. (Get it? Webs? Webkinz?)

Behold! The craze: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spTaN_DErHk

Web Humor Columnist probably referred to Webkinz related content. Better luck next time, buddy.

Day Marie said...

P.S. Hi! Long time no see!

-Day

Jen said...

I liked your stupid, asinine spider jokes. Even if they weren't finished. Good luck on the next job opportunity.

The Stabbing Pen said...

Great story lol. If they were passing around your inquiry/application, how dumb can it be? Dumb enough for everyone to enjoy? If everyone enjoys it, then they are all dumb. If the audience is main dumb, then you're more than qualified for the job. I think that's a compliment :)

Shawn said...

Day: Webkinz! I do know of these, sadly. The newest version of Beanie Babies, I guess. You could be right. They are a richer source of material than even spiders.

How's it going? Glad to see my blog would finally let you comment! :)

Jen: If there isn't a place on the web for...place on the web. Place on the web. Huh. I almost had a thought. Hmm...

Stabbing: Er, yeah. I'll take that as a compliment. I guess.

JerseyGirl said...

...mr. shark,
what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things i have ever heard. at no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. i award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Shawn said...

Jersey: Okay...a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.

Mr Hellbrain said...

First child molestation was declared unfunny, and now the Shark Tank?

A thinking person finds humor in almost anything.Hm.

feefifoto said...

Have you come across the piece about the man who submits a drawing of a spider in lieu of payment for an overdue account?

http://tinyurl.com/6lfd2q

Shawn said...

Mr. Hellbrain: People are losing their homes, their jobs, and now their sense of humor. It's pathetic.

Feefifoto: Ha, yeah I remember that. THAT is quality spider humor!

RockstarMama said...

I saw a spider in my garage. I think it winked at me.

Shawn said...

Rockstar: That's a sign that it either wants to mate with you or kill you. I guess you can choose which fate is worse.

Wendy said...

I don't know what's wrong with people. I can't imagine them not wanting to hire you with that brilliant query you filled out. That editor must not have had his coffee yet. Or maybe his eyes were glued shut with morning eye gook. Or maybe he's blind and one of those computer voices was reading the mail in which case it WOULD sound completely retarded.

Oh well. You were destined for better things.

By the way, if you're looking to pick up a little bit of quick cash my yard does need to be mowed. Just let me know.

Hellbrain said...

I think that the majority of people do have a sense of humor. It's just that it's covered over with a overpowering layer of faux-morals and a penchant for social acceptance... so while everyone is secretly giggling away to themselves, in their own time, about something that they perceive as taboo (or something they believe others perceive as taboo), they're also simultaneously publicly condemning it. I mean, cmon, who doesn't laugh when they hear about a bully being molested?

Shawn said...

Wendy: Yeah, you're probably right, it could have been any number of issues. I'll be over Saturday to mow the lawn.

Hellbrain: I actually think that's completely true. It's why everyone gets up in arms about celebrities making even the slightest off-color joke or statement, even when they themselves say far worse among their friends.

Stephanie M said...

I wonder if there is unemployment available for web humor columnists, even if you didn't get the job? Better luck next time! ;)

Shawn said...

Stephanie: I don't know, but I should look into it. Maybe I can get a grant or something.

Tarra Slovan said...

I enjoy spider humor and think that editor is a RAT.

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