Last week, my friend Unfinished Rambler (yeah, that's the name he was born with...hippie parents, I guess) made a post chronicling his decision to apply for an online humor writing job. He remained steadfastly reluctant to name the site, due to his fears that he would "jinx himself out of the job" (read: didn't want any competition). Of course, being the master sleuth that I am, I quickly ferreted out the site he was talking about. Well, at that point I would have left it alone, but then I thought, "Self, you could use some extra money. Why don't you undercut Rambler and try out for the job yourself?" And, being the good friend that I am, I decided to do just that. After all, the category was "Web Humor". I could do that. I could go for DAYS on web humor. I just had to prove it to the people in charge of hiring. So...without wasting a moment, I sent off this letter:
To Whom It May Concern,
I would very much like to apply for your position of Web Humorist. All my life, I've struggled with my fear of spiders, but I think in the meantime, I've managed to find the humor in our arachnid friends' "homes". I mean, really? A web? That's what you're going to live in, Spider? I should think you'd want to find a more suitable abode, such as a house, or maybe a trailer at the very least. A web? That doesn't even make sense!
Like the above, I can riff on spiders and their webs endlessly. I even know a few good web jokes.
What is a spider's favorite snack brand? Little Webbie!
Knock Knock. Who's there? Spiderweb. Spiderweb Who? Spiderweb me in, please!
All right, that one needs some work, but that was just off the top of my head! Imagine the kind of stuff I could come up with if you were paying me. Better stuff than Rambler, that's for sure.
Anyway, just let me know I've got the job, and I'll fill up your site with web humor the likes of which you could never imagine. I was even thinking you could call the column "Shawnlotte's Web". But, eh, we can iron that kind of thing out later. Thanks for considering me!
Spinning me right round,
Well, if I can give this site credit for anything, it's for their quick responses.
Thank you for your interest in the Web Humor position. I can honestly say your letter stood out from the bunch, and we have enjoyed passing it around the office. Unfortunately, it was also--bar none--the dumbest piece of writing I've ever come across in my thirty years in the business. Please note that I'm speaking not only of professional submissions, but of letters in the mail, half-finished grocery lists, and Youtube comments as well.
Jim Contrell, Editor
Well, another job opportunity down the drain. Good luck, Rambler. Hopefully they liked your spider jokes better than mine.
Thankfully, there are some people left that do appreciate my brand of humor. I'd like to direct your attention to Venom, Secrets, and Lies. Venom has written a tribute post to The Shark Tank! I highly recommend each and every one of you head over there right now and check it out. Personally, I think it's the best blog post I've ever read. I'm serious. I've read it three times already and saved it to my hard drive. You'll likely want to do the same. While you're there, stay a while and check out some of her other posts--I think you'll find a blog worth reading. So thanks, Venom! Good to see some people haven't lost their sense of humor.