14 March 2009

Five Ideas Hollywood Shamelessly Stole From Me

I was crushed this week to see that they're turning Arrested Development into a movie. Not that I didn't love the series. I didn't get a chance to watch it when it was on television, but I recently discovered it through the magic of DVD. Great show. I'd love to see it become a great movie. The only problem? For the fifth time (at least!), Hollywood stole one of my million dollar ideas. I don't know how you do it, Hollywood. Do you have spies in my hometown, listening in on my conversations? Do you sneak into my bedroom at night and rifle through my notes? However it was done, they got the (brilliant) idea from me to bring Arrested Development to the silver screen. I don't even know why I was surprised. Here are four other ideas the Hollywood Ninja Clan has thieved from me:

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

This one was my own fault, I have to admit. Too many times, I posted on theforce.net and various other message boards around the Internet my idea to do a third Star Wars prequel. It was only a matter of time before the bastards at LucasFilm saw it and stole it right from under me. It still hurts, though. I guess my main issue was how flagrant the thievery was. Showing how Anakin Skywalker turned to the dark side? My idea. Having Padme die at the end of the film? My idea (although I had an alternate idea where she would live, also). Having Chancellor Palpatine declare himself Emperor of the Galaxy? My GODDAMN idea! All of this I thought of merely weeks after Episode II, giving me full copyrighted domain over the intellectual properties (no matter what that on-the-take judge had to say on the matter).

The Sixth Sense

In 1997, a full two years before M. Night Shyamalan broke out of obscurity with his sleeper hit, I began a script called Horsedance. At first glance, the script of Horsedance shares few similarities with The Sixth Sense. His movie was about a man who tries to counsel a boy who sees ghosts. My movie was about a horse who could dance.

But the scripts did share one thing in common: a twist ending that (would have, in my case) knocked audiences out of their seats. In Shyamalan's movie (spoiler alert if you're that guy who hasn't seen it yet), it's revealed that Bruce Willis is actually dead. In mine, it's revealed that the horse is really the reincarnated spirit of Sammy Davis Jr. After watching The Sixth Sense in 1998, I came home and burned my script, tears in my eyes. It didn't even seem worth it anymore.

Big Momma's House

The script was called Fat Black Woman Screams A Lot, and it was going to be my ticket to fame and fortune. Then came Big Momma's House and stole all my glory. Thanks, Martin Lawrence. I guess the thing that hurts the most about this one is that Hollywood wasn't satisfied with simply turning out one ripoff. No, they continue to make money off my idea in the form of Big Momma's House 2, the Madea series, and the Eddie Murphy vehicle, Norbit (all right, granted, I don't know that they made any money off that one).

Psycho (Remake)

Plainly, Gus Van Sant owes me money. It occurred to me in 1993 to remake Psycho, just after watching the Alfred Hitchcock original for the first time. As I sat pondering the fate of Norman Bates, I had an epiphany. None of my friends had seen Psycho. They probably would never watch it, due to its old, black and white nature. That's when it hit me. I would remake the film, except in color. That's it. I admit, it never occurred to me to add a subliminal image of a buffalo to the film. That's all Van Sant.


Heather Cherry said...

Shame on them.

dizzblnd said...

That sucks.. just think of all of the money you would be rolling in right now. Hollywood sucks.

You know, Horsedancer could still be a big hit though..lol

Shawn said...

@ Heather: They are liars and sons of liars.

@ dizzblnd: I guess. A lot of time HAS passed. Hmm.

Maureen said...

You frequented theForce.net??? Small world. I used to know those guys from my Rebelscum days... and the horse photo was hilarious, BTW.

Shawn said...

@ Maureen: Yeah, nothing like discussing the minutia of Star Wars. thanks :)

Dalton J. Fox said...

Call me crazy, but I think there were enough differences in Sixth Sense and Horsedance that you could've got away with it. Too bad you turned it to ashes, otherwise you could be a millionaire from it as we speak.

Sean DOnland said...

I'm devastated to hear that you've destroyed horsedance. From that still image alone I can say it would have been better than anything produced in the last four years.

Shawn said...

All right, well maybe I misjudged the public demand for Horsedance. I figured it would be way too similar. Hmmm. Maybe I'll rewrite it.

Anonymous said...

You are seriously ridiculous. All of your ideas are very general and could have been thought of my 50 million other people. And the horse movie? WTF? In no way would that correlate to be even similar to the sixth sense. If you thought of a lake, would the ocean be a copy of it, or a pool?