02 March 2009

5 People Who Will Annoy You at the Gym

Let's face it: going to the gym isn't a lot of fun (except for those of you who are sick like that). It's time consuming, it's out of the way, and it's just plain hard work. For all of those reasons, it's not surprising to me that many people choose not to even bother. And that's fine. But what puzzles (read: irritates the crap out of) me are those people who come to the gym every day, only to do absolutely nothing. Or worse, seem to consider the bulk of their workout an exercise in pissing everyone else off. Here are the people I would have preferred stayed home.

Cell Phone Guy

This waste of humanity takes the notion of cell phone worship to that higher level reserved only for the douchiest. This man can also be found in your local movie theater, taking calls and texting long after the lights have come down. He is usually a fan of the treadmill. He gets on, sets the speed for a leisurely 2.7, and makes his first call. For the next half hour he will be carrying on a conversation that will make you want to hurl a five pound plate at his head. Don't be surprised if he finds a way to mention his (grossly exaggerated) net worth into the conversation, especially if there are any hot girls around.

"Did I say million? I meant billion."

Stick Guy (Or Girl)

The stick is the exclusive domain of that portion of the population we lovingly call "seniors". It is a white pole around four feet long, and it can be used in one and only one worthless way. You put it on your shoulders, sit on a bench, and proceed to lazily twist your torso left and right. The exercise builds two muscles. My eye rolling muscles, and the reflex muscles of those in the vicinity who have to jump out of the way when Stick Guy gets going. Stay home, recline in your La-Z-Boy for ten repetitions, and wah-lah, you've just doubled your workout effectiveness.

Leg Press Larry

This is perhaps the most common phenomenon in the gym. This guy or girl head over to the leg press machine on legs that look as though they are straining simply to support the individual's own body weight. Rather than throw a couple of 45s on the machine and do some real work, Leg Press Larry loads up the leg press machine with at least four hundred pounds, hunkers into the contraption, and proceeds to give his knees the workout of a lifetime.



Without the aid of slow motion photography, you will literally be unable to tell if he is moving his legs at all. He finishes up a "set" of 10-12 "reps", and gets the only real workout by putting all of those plates back on the rack.

The Flirt

The Flirt, unlike some of the others on the list, has come to the gym with absolutely no intention of breaking a sweat. Typically identified by the presence of spiky hair and, yes, a fanny pack, the Flirt merely has come to the gym in hopes of talking up the ladies. Occasionally you may see the Flirt sit on a machine or a bench and throw up a few reps, but this is only to mask his true intentions. The Flirt works best by showing unsuspecting females the "correct" way to work out. While this may seem helpful, his ignoring of the old man rocking like a treetop baby on the rowing machine proves he is not an equal opportunity assistant.

Chanel Sales Rep

This elderly lady may be here to work out, and she may not be. What is certain is the fact that she spent two hours prior to coming to the gym soaking in a bathtub full of the raunchiest smelling perfume this side of the animal kingdom. Unless you came to the gym with a pair of oxygen tanks, you will be unable to stand next to her without crumbling to the floor in tears.

One day's worth

What is it about old women? You expect style to go out the window--no woman of 70 is going to bother keeping up with the latest fashions--but why must they wear the worst smelling perfumes on the market? I understand why they wear so much of it--the sense of smell is usually the first one to go. But why is it always awful?

Honorable Mentions: The Grunter/Screamer, The guy who seems to be working out on every machine in the gym simultaneously, Guy Who Can't Put His Weights Back, and Kids.


Staci said...

I want to add Makeup Molly, the Chanel Sales Rep's BFF. She's the one who shows up to the gym with a face full of makeup, perfectly coiffed hair, and coordinated, designed workout duds. Oh, and she has the "I just had a mani and a pedi" nails. How she can work out and not go blind from all the mascara I'll never know. Wait. I do. She's not there to workout. She there to find a man and a workout of a different kind.

All these gym types is why I just use my treadmill in the garage and toning DVDs.

I Hate Commercials said...

hahaha those are great. I saw some girl in the gym the other day on her cell phone while she was doing leg presses and stayed on the phone while she was doing step-ups. Out of control.

I'd also like to add Mid-Life Crisis Guy. The guy in his 40s or early 50s with the fake bake tan, the cut off shirt, short shorts, and walks around with the towel over his shoulder. They walk around like they are the coolest people in the gym, jumping from machine to machine, standing after each rep and looks around thinking in their head "I'm still young, everyone is looking how cool I am." I can not stand Mid-Life Crisis Guy.

Melissa1143 said...

The worst are those people who show up in January. They come wearing jeans and a t-shirt hoping to gain muscle/lose weight per their New Year's resolution. They take up room, watch you like a hawk hoping to learn something, and misuse the equipment to the point that it is almost hysterical. I love when February rolls around and they have all given up.

Shawn said...

I think my gym/town must skew too old for the Makeup Mollys. Few of the girls seem to care much what they look like. Midlife Crisis Guy, we have. And there's not a gym in America that doesn't have the New Year's Resolutionists. A close cousin are the members who only show up on Mondays.

College Experience said...

hahah i agree with a lot of the people you've describe. but wat bugs me the most is old naked men in the locker room >< or people who smell and dont wipe their sweat off machines

J. Mayhew said...

i HATE cell phone guy...and the steroid babies who strut around in front of the mirrors like oversexed peacocks. they're annoying too

Anonymous said...

i still hate the grunter most of all.

Mike said...


But you forgot to mention steroid meathead. That's a good one too. Worthy of an honorable mention, at least.

college experience said...

What about "Dancing Man"... guy with headphones on, literally dancing in front of the mirror between each set. Maybe that's just my gym?! college parties