08 March 2009

Interview with the Debit Machine

There are some great benefits to leaving the cash world behind. No more pockets bulging with worthless coins, no more trying to shove that wrinkled $1 bill into your wallet, and it makes it easier to turn down that guy whose "car broke down just over that hill" when he approaches with breath that smells like a curious mixture of gasoline and NyQuil.

But there are drawbacks as well. No, I'm not talking about those Bible thumpers who think this is one of the signs of the apocalypse (along with the election of Barack Obama, the virgin Mary's appearance in everything from the side of a building to a piece of toast, and the success of MTV's The Hills). I'm talking those annoying debit machines you have to interact with every time you make a purchase. Specifically, the fact that these machines feel the need to interrogate you for fifteen minutes, rather than just get the PIN number and get on with it. I can handle one or two queries. After that, how about you mind your own business, debit machine!

Yes, thank you for asking. I will punch the little green "Yes" button, you can send the information back to the bank, and we can all move on our merry little ways.

That will be fine, thank you. By the way, debit machine, there is a perfectly capable (?) cashier standing right here. I'm sure I would have mentioned any split purchasing to her, rather than just hoping you would bring it up. But anyway, good to go. Let's do it.

God, no. There some grubby little kids outside with their hands out for some stupid school function. No, debit machine. No cash. And that's enough with the questions. Let's move on.

Not especially. I know that Pearl Harbor isn't the best movie of all time, but it's for a friend. Gimme a break.

Ha! I mean, whatever, debit machine, right? Pshhhh...last $15. Maybe I have more than one account? Did you ever think of that? Huh? I could. Don't look at me like that.

Uhhh. Where's a Bible thumper when you need one?


beth said...

They are very noisy machines, aren't they?

Jen said...

They are getting rather personal. I hate when they question my liquor store purchases and remind me that I was just at the same store less than a week ago and surely could not have consumed all that I purchased unless I was having several get-to-gethers and since the machine knows I don't have any real friends it thinks I might have a problem. I might have shared too much.

Maureen said...


I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.

Knightmedic said...

The "machine" is simply putting itself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do..

Carl said...

Soon, they'll ask us to write an essay about why we want to make the purchase. And they will then decide if such purchase can be approved. How much more complicated can we make our lives be?

Shawn said...

Beth: yeah, they're like that weird kid who can't quite fit in socially, but keeps (retardedly) trying.

Jen: this is what I'm talking about! And there's never TMI in the Circle of Sharing

Maureen: Where might I acquire some of these "stress pills"?

Knightmedic: You make a good (read: horrifying) point.

Carl: No, soon, they'll already know the answers. They won't even have to ask.

dizzblnd said...

Very funny! I hate when the machine asks you do you want that total on your card. I look at the cashier and say, No, I don't want any of it on my card, thanks for asking. That last graphic was my fav

ettarose said...

I must be living in Green Acres because I have never seen anything like that. Do you want the whole purchase on your card? All I ever get is "credit or debit" "Is this total correct?" and "thanks you broke bitch"

Sean Donland said...

I'm still waiting for the intravenous ABMs. Loaf of bread? .5cc. Box of condoms? 1/2 quart.

One Creative Queen said...

ROFLMAO The post - and comments, ettarose & Jen in particular - is the best I've read all day. I want to know, was that you standing in line 2 lanes over, taking the pictures of the machine? I thought you were trying to take pictures of what was under my crown, and alerted security. Sorry about them tackling you like that.

If I ever had $15 in my account (and the machine ever asked me that question), I'd offer to buy you a drink. (Then again, maybe Jen already has that covered??) Who am I kidding? I'd consider myself rich and forget all you little people.

Who apparently writes comments long enough to be posts. And has begun strangely referring to herself in this weird other-person vernacular.

Shawn said...

dizzblnd: yeah really, just give it to me if you don't mind, thanks.

ettarose: the machines apparently haven't gained sentience in your area yet. Or maybe they have and are just less verbose.

sean: you don't have to wait to mainline bread.

Katherine: tl;dr. Just kidding. Thanks and yeah, the bruises are healing nicely. Feel free to use my comment space for your essays anytime.