28 March 2009

My Dog Is a Nudist

I've become a social recluse.

I can't have friends over, I can't go to the park, and I have to sneak around my yard in the middle of the night, hoping I don't set off any of my neighbors' motion lights. I don't know how much longer this can go on. Something has to be done about my dog, Chewy.

You see, Chewy is a nudist. He refuses to wear clothes, no matter what the occasion. Walking around the house? Nude. Eating his dinner? Nude. Going outside to relieve himself? Nude! There is no end to Chewy's exhibitionist ways.

At first, I thought the problem was a matter of style. Dog clothes are sold in limited varieties, and I thought maybe Chewy was simply setting higher standards for himself. I would put him in a pair of polka dotted shorts, a tight red Polo shirt, and a beanie cap, and he would tear it off himself in a matter of seconds. I couldn't entirely blame him. He looked like a dork. The other dogs would have certainly teased him into submission. Fair enough. I consulted a seamstress and had her design some special outfits for Chewy. A sharp tuxedo. Some baggy jeans and a hoodie. A rather dashing pinstriped suit. Every time, Chewy would wrestle his way out of the clothes and prance away, free and naked.


Shameful


I read in the paper where they're opening up a special dog park near my house. They advertised grilled food, live entertainment, and all the doggy water fountains one city could support. I read the article and sighed. It sounds like so much fun. I know Chewy would enjoy it. But it is not to be. We wouldn't be there five minutes before the shrieking started and the animal cops came and put Chewy in the back of their squad car for indecent exposure.

I guess this is just the way it has to be.

15 comments:

Heather Cherry said...

Your dog is the opposite of my dog. Though, he does like to go au natural at times. I'm going to post a scandalous video exposé of him later wherein he frolicks in the snow... NEKKID! Not only shameful but also irresponsible. He could catch cold.

dizzblnd said...

Yeah... what is it with dos showing off their lipsticks every time they get the opportunity. It's not even a good shade. They are such beasts!

C.B. Jones said...

Chewy is such a free spirit. I kinda envy him. If it were socially acceptable, I'd walk around with my pixelation hanging, in plain sight all day long.

alantru said...

Nudity in dogs is the hot new trend. Your dog is cutting edge. It probably has a twitter account. I had a cat that was a drunk. A nasty one too.

Shawn said...

Heather: Don't let your dog get used to that kind of behavior. I fear I must have been too lenient in Chewy's developmental stages.

Dizzy: That comment is bizarrely off topic and strange. I like it!

C.B.: Chewy reads this blog, so please don't encourage him with your dirty hippie talk.

Alantru: My dog has never twatted.

Kaiton Berkley said...

Perhaps you could craft him some type of old-school leaf-based covering. Or maybe find him a really big barrel to wear around.

Phillipia said...

Alantru has it right; nudist dog parks are the place to be if you have a dog comfortable in his/her birthday suit - and Chewy definitely seems to be. I suggest you lighten up - for Chewy's sake:)

Heather Cherry said...

Too late. He's already worn his ski coat today. I'm afraid he's beyond hope at this point.

Carl said...

My Callie always has the two-piece bikini on. She is a lady, you know. My cat, Miss Meow Meow, on the other hand, loves to show you her hiney. Every time she wants attention, after I pat her for two seconds, there comes her butt. I thought that was quite rude!

Shawn said...

Kaiton: Thank you! Good to know someone's thinking. A leaf. Yes. I could get him in touch with his inner ancient Greek heritage.

Phillipia: A nudist dog park? They have such a thing? That could be the ticket. I bet all the dogs are old and fat...

Heather: Ah well.

Carl: That's a little disturbing, I don't mind saying.

nipsy said...

I think your dog has been in contact with my bird. She has suddenly taken to keeping her feathers out, showing off all her bits. Ahhh, to be an animal. Free to be nude, sniffing where ever I want all day long...wait, maybe that isn't such a good idea after all..

Shawn said...

That would explain his sudden interest in preening.

Ambrosia said...

I had a cat like that once. She would strut around with a red teddy and heels on; said it showed off her long black hair. Other times, completely naked! The shame of it!

I tried reasoning with her, to no avail. She said she had to do something to earn enough money to send the kittens to college after the litter factory shut down. I told her, "Damiana, what do you think the kittens will say about their mother running around like a tramp?"

Her response? She yelled something about 'fuck moral high ground' and stomped out the door wearing nothing but those damned red heels and lipstick.

There was simply no reasoning with that one.

Shawn said...

Jeez, you should have taken that cat on Maury Povich. They'll bring out that boot camp guy from Celebrity Fit Club and whip little sassy cats back into shape.

52 Faces said...

You should see Peanut Butter (my new baby). He's still waiting to get snipped. Puts Pee Wee Herman to shame.