26 March 2009

Yahoo Chat: A Cautionary Tale

Chatrooms, sad to say, are a thing of the past. Boredom, on occassion, causes me to forget this truism, and see for myself. After about ten minutes of listening to trailer trash chatters fight over who gets to say "My kid just trahd to jump over tha cowch" I realize I would be better off with a book.

It used to be different. Chatrooms used to be fun. However, they can be dangerous as well. Please read the following story, which is certified 100% true by the Blogging Association of America. If you are tempted to jet back in time and join a chatroom, please remember this tale and use it to your own benefit. My thanks comes in the form of your well being.

It was a warm night, and I had just finished drinking several quarts of Mt. Dew. What was there to do besides log into Yahoo Chat and see what was goin' on? Nothing. Nothing, indeed. Before long, I was pleased to see a new window open up. A private message. Exciting! Even more exciting, it wasn't a chat-bot, enticing me to head over to a website where I could watch cam girls play for pay. It was a real person, with an interesting screenname.


Hot_TV_In_Hollywood. Now this is something worth putting the Mt. Dew down for! My brain started conjuring images of a sexy, blonde, tanned, television star, possibly having just completed work on Baywatch: The Next Generation or some other failed pilot. She wouldn't be famous--even my imagination didn't stretch that far--but she could definitely be hot. And in television. Besides, she had a better nickname then the last girl who PM'd me: Contagious_TB_in_Tampa.



What? Yeah, that's how I roll.



Hmm. Now it should be noted that I had a strong policy in place at that time. That policy was not to click on people's profiles for at least five minutes. Why? Well, I have a weak heart. I once fainted dead away after being sent one of those "Stare at this picture and find the differences and then piss yourself when a screaming zombie suddenly appears" things that were all the rage a few years ago. I found I had much the same reaction when clicking on the photos of Yahoo Chatters. It may be shallow, but I sometimes found myself completely unable to continue a conversation after having seen the wild She-Beast in what I can only assume she thought to be her best picture. Without the five minute policy in place, I would never get to chat with anyone.

However, this time I made an exception, seeing as how she was a television star. And hot. I was disappointed, however, to find a cartoon face where a picture would go. She would not be an easy nut to crack.


Oh yeah, my other policy is to not give my phone number out to psychos on the Internet.

But here I was, going for the gusto. The profile was barely filled out, providing little solid information to go on. That was fine. I would use my smooth heartbreaking sixty-nine-ing interview skills to ferret out the necessary information.

And ferret it out, I did. My question, the final one I would ask, brought a short response of "LOL, no, silly" from my new chat friend. Hmm. Didn't seem that silly. Why would you have the initials "TV" in your screenname if you didn't have something to do with...

...

...television.

I clicked back to her profile, a sinking feeling in my stomach. I zeroed in on the only piece of information she had bothered to fill out. Under "Hobbies" she had written, "working on my pole". At first glance, this had unsettled me, but I figured she was talking about a stripper pole. All the better! Now, however, the truth hit home.

TV didn't stand for television. It stood for transvestite.

I courteously ended the conversation (and by "courteously ended the conversation", I mean I hit the X button on the chat window and added Hot_TV_In_Hollywood to my long list of blocked users). Let my mistakes be a warning to everyone!

Disclaimer: I have nothing against transvestites, transsexuals, transmissions, or trains.

30 comments:

catherinette said...

That is HILARIOUS!! I totally thought it meant "television" too!!

OM said...

Congratulations. That's the funniest thing I've ever read.

Heather Cherry said...

I think I've heard this story before...

No, wait... that was "Funky Cold Medina" by Tone-Loc.

C.B. Jones said...

Lesson learned: keep a list of acronyms near by at all times when on the Internet.

Angry Max said...

Wait, so you didn't tell us if you got her number or not.

Shawn said...

Catherinette: Yeah, it's tricky as hell.

OM: I highly doubt it, but thanks!

Heather: You must be sure that the girl is pure.

C.B.: Yes! It takes a little extra effort, but it's well worth it.

Max: Ummm, no comment.

Margo said...

The things I learn here. Hilarious!

HumorSmith said...

What a drag that turned out to be for you.

Thinkinfyou said...

So how long have you two been dating now?

Shawn said...

Margo: Yes, I aim to educate.

Humorsmith: Arrrgh! You just can't help yourself, can you?

Thinkinfyou: Two years, come Octo---wait, what? Don't be ridiculous.

Maureen said...

OMG, I would never have caught on either... but then I am an old fogie who rarely went to chat rooms even in their heyday.

Heather Cherry said...

Shawn, you've really got to crack down on this pun situation. It's getting a little ridiculous.

Dalton J. Fox said...

Hmm. Maybe you should've stuck with Contagious_TB_in_Tampa.

lilaphase said...

I'm not sure what to say . . . Call me!
TV_in_Atlanta

Shawn said...

Maureen: I don't think you missed too much

Heather: I know! HumorSmith is out of control.

Dalton: I know. I heard she was a great catch. (grrr, HumorSmith.)

lilaphase: lol, all righty ;)

People for the Ethical Treatment of Trannies said...

We didn't think it was that funny, really.

Vic said...

And to think you were just a hotel room away from being Danny Bonaduce!

Close call. :)

Mystery Man said...

dude! that sucks! can't remember when the las time i was in a chatroom was. last ti went i nthere, i got spam IMs for days. Still get them on occasion as a matter of fact.

Tina said...

You should have at least got a picture before you closed the conversation!

Mountain Dew is bad for the soul...and your bones.

Her Artichoke Heart said...

She was probably hotter than any biological woman in the chat room. I feel like every male-to-female transvestite I've seen looks better in a dress than I do!

ettarose said...

All tastefully typed to the tune of "Dude looked like a Lady"

nipsy said...

Lmfaoooooooo... Love it. Almost as bad as when I signed into a yahoo chat for the first time. I went in and someone called me a milf. Well, being a noob and all not knowing what it meant, I immediately took offense and ranted on this poor guy enough to have the neighbors hear. It wasn't until I got four more IM's informing me what a milf was that I understood it was a compliment and not some offense made up by yahoo pervs.

Jayden Vasara said...

LOL.....wow that made me laugh out loud. love it!

Shawn said...

PETT: I knew that disclaimer wasn't going to be enough.

Vic: I know! I even spent a few weeks with a travelling singing group when I was a kid. At least, that's what they told us it was.

Mystery Man: Yeah, so do I.

Tina: Mt. Dew is delicious, regardless of its effects on the soul and bones.

Her Artichoke Heart: Could be. Maybe I was too hasty.

ettarose: Funny story, I had that song on a self made "radio tape" as a kid, but I had sloppily missed the first line of the song. So now it's still weird to me when I hear the song on the radio or a CD, and hear it start with a different line.

nipsy: lol, yeah, it's hard to keep up with all the newfangled slang.

Jayden: thanks!

Carl said...

I never knew that was what TV meant. I know what a CD is though. Maybe next time, when you see someone with a name of TV, you might wanna ask if he is a CD.

alantru said...

Hahaha!

Good to know you have have nothing against transvestites, transsexuals, transmissions, or trains... Couldn't help but notice you didn't include trailer trash in that list...

Steph said...

If it had been a transvestite on TV...would that have made a difference?

Shawn said...

Carl: A CD, eh? All right. I won't mistake them for a recording artist.

Alantru: Indeed not.

Steph: Hmm, I'll have to think about that one.

Ambrosia said...

I used to looove chatrooms "back in the day", lol...I made it my policy to be cautious too...if for no other reason than the fact that I loved to pretend to be a different person for each room and figured most other people did too, lol...

great post!

Shawn said...

Ambrosia: You did that? I always went in with the naive belief that everyone was exactly who they said they were.

I talked to so many Playboy models on there...