06 March 2009

Parking Lot, We Have Some Things To Discuss

So, parking lot, we meet again. This time, I'm afraid things aren't going to go the way you expected them to go. Nuh-uh. This time, I'm not going to pull my car into one of your far-from-the-store spaces with my usual barely audible mutterings. No, this time, you're going to hear me out. I have some things to say to you. Some things need to change. Let's start with the handicap spaces.

I'm sorry, but since when did we have so many handicapped people heading out to the mall on a Wednesday afternoon? Was there a polio outbreak I wasn't aware of? Are the Special Olympics in town this weekend? Why do I think the Special Olympics are a travelling show, like Ringling Bros? Parking lot, you don't seem to have the answers, so I guess I'll have to provide them myself. 1) There are only about 1300 polio cases worldwide. That doesn't even cover the handicapped spaces at Target. 2) No, the Special Olympics are not in town this weekend. 3) I actually don't think that, but that would be kind of cool. I would go.

The problem isn't any of those things, though. The problem is that the DMV hands out those blue placards like they're candy. Don't think for a minute that you actually have to be handicapped to get one of those things. You just have to be old. This needs to change. My proposal: make a space on each placard that gives the reason for the card's necessity. Because it damn sure isn't obvious by watching the people themselves get out of their cars, sprinting gayly to the front doors of the mall.

Another thing about special parking spaces. The spaces designated for cops? Why? Since when do the cops have any problem parking anywhere they damn well feel like it? In the fire lane, on the curb, on top of your car, they don't give a shit. They don't need a space for themselves.

This should be fine

And a final note--not for you, parking lot, you can stop reading now. This is for the rest of you. If you are in your car, looking for a space, and you see someone walking to their car, it is absolutely not okay to slow down and stalk them, with utter disregard for the line of cars behind you. I watched a woman yesterday wait for no less than five full minutes while a guy put away his groceries, wheeled his shopping cart to the corral, and finally pulled out of the space. The space wasn't even that good! If a car already has its reverse lights on when you come upon it, then it's okay to stop and wait to take their place. But please, I beg you, give the guy some room to pull out. Unless you plan to hook a tow chain to their bumper and gently remove them from the space, there's no need for you to be so damn close.

The only thing worse than that is driving down the wrong aisle. In many major parking lots, there are arrows printed on the pavement to show which way traffic is supposed to be moving (I know for a fact that many of you were unaware of this until now). Now, of course, no one is able to avoid being "arrowneous" for an entire lifetime. That's okay. After all, when two cars meet in the middle of an aisle, both of them assuming themselves to be in the right, comedy happens!


unfinished rambler said...

I like the signs. I'd like one of the 5K runner (but old) signs for later in life. Can you hook me up?

And I was wondering if I was the only one who noticed those arrows. No one pays attention to them, especially at the Wal-mart, for some reason.

Chris said...

Haha. Classic. Sometimes I get so angry when a so-called handicapped person clearly has no disability that I want to ram a wheelchair into the side of their car just to show them what a real disability looks like. Grrrr! :)

Shawn said...

Rambler--I think something can be arranged

Chris--yes, it's aggravating but let's, uh, let's just calm down a bit. Don't do anything rash.

dizzblnd said...

Your proposed handicap cards are genius. You could add "Too lazy to drive around looking for a spot" I would take that one in a heartbeat.

Your other points are dead on. The arseholes who go the wrong wat JUST to get the spot that I was eying REALLY piss me off.

Sean Donland said...

Another genius idea!

A few more sign suggestions:
'Can't Read'
'Can't park in single space'

Shawn said...

@dizzblnd: some people are simply insistent that they get the closest space. I really love those people who will drive up and down aisles for ten minutes just to get one space closer.

@sean: The single space one is definitely needed. As for "can't read". . .well, we could make that one say anything we wanted.

Anonymous said...

lol @ this post.

what about the "family/expectant mother" parking spots. those irritate the bejeezus out of me.

...you shouldnt make too much fun...i think you have that last handicapped tag in your car.

: )

Anonymous said...

How about "too insensitive to park further away" for your car. My SO recently became ill and we got a handicapped permit. I used to look and judge people's permits too. Something about having it happen to you changes your thoughts on that.

Park, walk and quit 'yer bitching.

Shawn said...

@ 1st Anon: Yeah, those spots barely missed the cut. And, uh, no comment.

@ 2nd Anon: Congratulations on missing the point.

Anonymous said...

Do you think that if one day you become disabled yourself, as millions of americans actually are, you might change your mind about this?

Shawn said...

Anon (There is a "leave your name" feature, btw): I would imagine I would be more adamant than ever about insisting that only truly disabled individuals receive the placards)