22 May 2009

Frank Wilson Wants To Save Your Soul

[The Shark Tank is happy to welcome local preacher, the Reverend Frank Wilson. Frank is having some difficulties raising funds towards building his own church, and I told him it would be just fine if he were to write a post to get the word out. As well as The Word.]

Thanks for coming to read my words here, friends and family. Though this is a sinful blog, I'm not like other preachers who are too good to share the gospel with the unwashed masses. A lot of clergymen think that they can fulfill themselves just by preaching to the converted, but not I. I like to get down in the dirt and scratch around. And I can't think of any dirtier people than those in my community and those that read this website.

Any of you reading this should go and get a loved one, especially if you have a child. Have them read my words along with you and read it to them if they can't read it for themselves. Jesus said "To read it yourself is to believe it with all of your heart" and I think that's true. And you will believe my words.



You see, most of you are doomed to Hell. It says in Mary 12:29, "Thou arte probably going to Hell". It doesn't say "maybe" or "perhaps". It says probably. That means it's more likely than not. I'll wait while you read this to your child. If your child doesn't know what Hell is, you should read them this passage from Elkwinds 4:13:02, "Hell is a terrible place where children are burned with fire and then beaten with hammers and then bamboo shoots are forced under their fingernails and then they are bodyslammed." Does that sound like the place you want to spend eternity? No, me neither.

Phurlucians 11:93 states, "If ever someone comes to you asking for money to start a church and thouest say no to them, then thou shalt surely be eaten by a werewolf." This is nothing to play around with. But there are ways around it. Because I'm starting a church. And I need some startup capital. Therefore, you really have a choice to make, and you know the consequences are dire for making the wrong choice.

It's like the story of the Devil and the Lamb. Paraphrased from the gospel of Levinthite: Once there was a lamb. A big lion came and asked him for money to spend on foolish things. The lamb said no. But then the Devil laughed and ate the lamb, because the Devil was hungry. The lion then tried to eat both the Devil and the lamb inside the Devil's stomach, but the Devil put the Cruciatus Curse on the lion and the lion soon died.



Send donations through Paypal @ Frank Wilson:Reverend of the Frank Wilson@ Church @ Frank Wilson's Church fund.doc (Thanks to Shawn for setting up my email).

34 comments:

Funnyrunner said...

LLOL!!! I cannot stop laughing. I am so glad I'm one of your dirty readers....(I managed to type that whilst convulsed with laughter). OMG. You picked the perfect slimy target.... I think my favorite is "Mary 12:29" LLOL....

ReformingGeek said...

I knew it. You found those sacred texts that weren't included in the Bible. I'm so glad.

"Thou art funny." It says so in my Book of Charms.

My check's in the mail.

Ha!

Maureen said...

A heathen reader here as well chiming in. All I can say is thank God I am an atheist. And too poor to donate.

Oohh! But I do need to know: did the lamb survive the Cruciatus Curse? Gee, I hope so.

Winky Twinky said...

..eaten by a werewolf!! I KNEW that was in there somewhere... I'm claiming Revulsions 9:34, which says you only have to donate if they come to your door in pairs... uh.. that covers werewolves, right?...

JD said...

What about Daniel traipsing into the lions den???

funny stuff!

Quirkyloon said...

Hey where can I get me a copy of this special "bible" of yours? I've been needing some new reading material. This Bible sounds just like the ticket!

heh heh

freetheunicorns said...

"Thou arte probably going to hell." So you're saying I have a chance? Maybe if I start donating to Church start-ups.

You've been Stumbled

Shawn said...

Funnyrunner: Frank advises me that you will not be laughing when your sins are counted. Just passing that along.

Reforming: Yeah, some of this looked new to me, as well. Weird.

Maureen: The lamb seems like a lesser supporting character, so probably not.

Winky: I don't know...it sounds like you're taking a pretty big risk. Werewolves are vicious.

JD: I'm not sure that's covered in Frank's Bible.

Quirky: That's what Frank should have done--auctioned off one of his "Preacher Edition" Bibles.

FTU: That seems to be your only path to salvation. Thanks!

George said...

I think I read that somewhere in the Apocrypha.

Jewel already Saved my Soul a few years back, but I'm totally into letting Frank give it the ol' college try. Couldn't hurt.

Could it?

Mr. Condescending said...

I like peter popoff!!!!!

C.B. Jones said...

I'll be the guy bodyslamming kids left and right in the fiery pits.

Thinkinfyou said...

Dirty readers? Certainly he wasn't talking about me!

Jenn Thorson said...

You had me at "thou arte probably going to hell." :)

PS- I just hate ye olde boddyslammynge. Right up there with the cruciatus curse.

Let me ask my local preacher about this. Or Dumbledore.

MonkeyObsessed said...

Well, I have an idea to attract capital for Mr Wilson's church. Every Sunday (or other church days), he can have a small group of performing monkeys introduce him and do a little show. That should bring in the crowds and the $$$.

No? A bit too silly? Well, in this day and age, it's all been done before so people need to start thinking outside the box. And what's always outside the box and fun? Monkeys!

MonkeyObsessed2 said...

p.s. I originally tried to post that comment with the name ...
"Obsessedwithmonkeysbutdoesn'townone"

But the computer said NO.

Shawn said...

George: It could hurt. A lot. And not in that good kind of hurt, like you might get from listening to Jewel.

Mr. Condescending: Frank has repeatedly offered to take the Amazing Randi challenge, but has received no comment from his reps.

C.B.: Well, it's good to have employment, even in Hell.

Thinkin: Of course not. Whatever would make you think that?

Jenn: Better ask about Avada Kedavra, too. As well as Volde--uh, you-know-who.

MonkeyObsessed: That's an excellent plan. Though you didn't donate any money, I think we can safely assume you will not be doing laps in the lake of fire anytime soon.

Nate Fakes said...

You totally left out the book of Jeronamo, where it mentions "Thou shall yell my name when jumping in a hell-off-a-big pool" but that's alright

Mike said...

Yea, I'm totally convinced. I just shit my pants with all the guilt tripping and stuff.

I'll send you (-)20 bucks to start up your church.

I don't accept checks, just cash.

And you'd better send me the money or you're going to hell. Trust me, I can find a verse in the bible to prove my point. Don't make me to it.

Dave said...

HA (lleluah)!

Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

You forgot to quote from Excretions 4:15, "Thou shalt dumpeth excess blessings into the coffers of those desiring to fertilize the earth with the word of the Lord."

shopgirl101 said...

I feel reborn! My check is in the mail, Rev.

Shawn said...

Nate: Well, Frank can't cover the whole Bible in one post. Perhaps he'll be back for some of the more obscure passages.

Mike: Frank is a bit confused, but I'm pretty sure he's sending you money. Well, he put something in an envelope.

Dave: Praise be!

Chris: I think that particular book is only found in the rare Farmer's Bible (free with any Farmer's Almanac).

Brooke: You should begin to feel a tingling sensation in the coming hours. Don't be alarmed. That's just your soul burning with excitement.

zodiblog said...

Reverend Wilson, I just dont no what to do? I alredy done gave all my money to Mr. Robertson on acount to be a member of his club and all. They promiced me theyd cure my Son of his sinning ways of faggotry. And my Gout. But they aint done that yet! Oh, I just dont no wat to do? Maybe I shold sell my Traler to give you the money. I sure dont want to be goin to no Hell! Please tell me wat to do???? Maybe You culd cure my Son and my Gout???
Cunfused in Kentuky!!

Werewolf said...

I'm hungry.

David said...

That biblical book of Mary - I don't remember that one - is it only in those catolickers bibles that the papal people use for molesting little boys?

Margo said...

I saw Jesus in my pancakes once. He probably told me to believe only in Him, not in you hellboy types who talk about werewolves :)

Shawn said...

Confused: Your son may continue his boy-loving ways into eternity, simply through a donation.

Werewolf: I'm thirsty.

David: Could be. I've never had the pleasure of reading that version.

Margo: Mmm...pancakes.

Sue said...

I, for one, am ever in your gratitude to be set on the right path. I'll go get my checkbook.

Blue Balls The Clown: High School Musical said...

He's delightful. I want him to be my new best friend. I don't have any money but I am willing to pawn my crack pipe for an afternoon. All I ask is that Frank comes to my house and performs a light exorcism and some heavy housework.

Nan-Nan said...

Well, seeing as how I have been a honest-to-God preacher's wife for the last 32 years, I can sure tell when someone is reading from the book of First Baloneyans. And I know when something is freakin' hilarious!! I need to catch my breath from laughing...I may need to get a head start on the werewolves....

tobiano said...

I've been reading the wrong bible for years. I always knew I was really going to hell, now there's proof.

Jeff said...

Easy. Call it the "Church of Financial Resurrection" and get a federal bailout.

Shawn said...

Sue: Frank has informed me that, due to some difficulties with the IRS, he cannot accept checks at this time.

BBC: Those terms are acceptable, as Frank can get rid of all manner of Biblical monsters, including goblins and minotaurs.

Nan-Nan: Some of those verses do look...suspect.

Tobiano: There's still a chance to save yourself from the fatal bite of the wolf man!

Jeff: Now, see, THAT is brilliance. I'll pass it along.

dizzblnd said...

Damn.. I didn't know there were hidden chapters with hidden subtext in the Bible..

I'm scared.... I will donate now