Larry Whitson Needs Work

[Note to readers: The Shark Tank is happy to give up some space today for a friend. Larry Whitson has been hit hard by the downturn in the economy. Normally this isn't a charity blog, but Larry is a good guy and he's willing to work for his dollar. The floor is yours, my friend.]

I appreciate being given the time to write directly to you fine people. I won't lie. It took a fair bit of pride swallowing to ask for this opportunity. Normally I wouldn't come to anyone, hat in hand, but desperate times call for desperate measures. And these are desperate times. You see, about a month ago, I was laid off. I've worked at the Speak n Spell factory in downtown Houston for about 25 years. I can't say it came as a shock. A bunch of us had a feeling something was going down, on account of the economy being so bad, and on account of us not having made a single Speak n Spell since 1990. But, of course, the real problem hit when Odamna got elected. That's right, you call him Obama, but I call him Odamna. Because O damn (a), what the hell happened to my job?

I had some savings. Not much. The wife...well she doesn't work. She's pretty well got her hands full with the 6 kids. Together, they've just about eaten through the savings (and then some). So, yeah, I'm in a bit of a pickle. The job market...christ, don't even get me going. Anyway, this is my last stop before heading out to the side of Highway 92 with a cardboard sign. I hope at least a few of you have a heart and I also hope you understand that I'm not asking for any handouts. Not in the least bit. I refuse to take so much as a single dollar without earning it. I want to be a man of service. A contributor to society, not a drain.

With that spirit in mind, I want to lay out some monetary figures. Don't get ruffled or step back with your hands in the air...these are just off the top of my head. I'm in a real jam here so trust me, these amounts are negotiable.

For $1: I'll write you a nice little poem and have my 3 year old son Tristan put his tiny little thumbprint on it.

For $15: I'll come out to your house and walk your dogs morning, noon, and night. Limit 3 dogs.

For $25: I'll come take your trash out. Every room in the house. I'll even do it for a moderately sized business, if you don't employ a janitor.

For $30: I'll come out and mow your lawn. Front, back, and sides.

For $37: I'll come out and mow your lawn. Front, back, and sides. I'll also eat the grass clippings and any yard varmints that get caught up in the mower.

For $49: I'll put on a Tyrannosaurus Rex costume and whistle the theme from Doogie Howser M.D. and then sleep under your bed for a month.

For $55: I'll paint a picture of Adolf Hitler riding a carousel at an amusement park.

For $76: I'll put a virus on your computer (PC only), remove it, and replace your current wallpaper with a picture of myself wearing a blue Best Buy shirt and no pants.

For $85: I will smoke the latest issue of US magazine.

For $101: I'll do a book report on Huckleberry Finn, written on Hello Kitty stationary.

For $125: I'll slap you so hard you'll see stars and possibly pass out for a few moments. Then I'll put my fingers in your ears.

Again, please note that these figures are merely meant as a starting point. If you'd like to negotiate, or if you have any other tasks or services that you require, please let me know. I am very open minded and very, very broke.