20 April 2009

The Best Baby Shower Gifts EVER!

So I've been invited to my friend Kristen's baby shower. For those not in the know, what I've been invited to has nothing at all to do with cleaning a baby, and everything to do with a bunch of girls getting together and playing games and giving presents to the expecting mother. I'm not sure why I've even been invited. I'm not a girl, and I've been getting suspicious...I dare say, annoyed...glares from some of the other shower attendees. This could be because I'm a guy getting ready to traipse all over a distinctly feminine tradition, or it could be because of what happened at Lanie's birthday party last November. I can't really go into that, but suffice to say it involved a weed wacker, four Twix bars, a baby dolphin, and two concussions.

The invitation I got informs me not only of the shower's time and place, but that the mother is registered at Target. I went to Target yesterday and asked to see their registration book. This apparently does not exist, but they did refer me to a computer where I could see all of the gifts Kristen wants her guests to buy for her. What? Wait a minute. You not only want me to come to your stupid party, but you also want me to buy you a gift, and not only that, you're telling me what gifts to buy? Hmm, okay, not doing it. If I'm buying presents for a baby (which is a retarded concept to begin with), then I'll be deciding what to buy.

I decided right away that I not only wouldn't buy from the registry, but I would buy gifts that would make the other girls at the shower green with envy. I would show them what happens when you invite a guy to a girl party. You get the goods.

Because I knew Target wouldn't have the kinds of lovely, thoughtful gifts I had in mind, I immediately left and came back home. If you can't find a decent baby gift online, then the baby doesn't need it. That's my motto. And sure enough, $300 later, I had enough baby presents to turn this baby shower into a full on baby Jacuzzi.

If you're reading this, Kristen, you may want to stop now, or you'll ruin the surprise...

...

Okay, I warned you. Here's what you're getting on Sunday!

Baby's First Book--10 Things That Fit Right In The Wall Socket!



Ride That Doberman! Baby Saddle.



Tobacco Flavored Pacifiers--with real nicotine!




Soul Eater Doll, now with backwards Hell-speak!



Broken Glass Crib Moat.




I think you'll agree that my gifts will make this baby shower one to remember!

59 comments:

Bearman said...

I tend to buy anything a kid over a few months old can bang incessantly so their parents don't invite me to the next one.

dizzblnd said...

Those are um quite how you say interesting gifts. Remind me never to get on your bad side

Margo said...

Kristin is one lucky girl to have such a great friend :) Soul eater doll with hellspeak is quite age appropriate, with that black and white contrast that is just perfect for newborn eyes.

Winky Twinky said...

Geez, Shawn.....
Nice gifts! You left out the hair trigger Oozi...

Marissa said...

To complete the crib ensemble, Baby will need the hanging musical mobile with the dangling Ginsu knives.

brookeamanda said...

I'm hosting a baby shower for my friend in a couple of weeks and I'm FOR SURE getting her two or three of these gifts. The other moms-to-be will piss themselves with envy!

ReformingGeek said...

You forgot the "Bag of Small Objects" for baby to munch on!

Phillipia said...

I wish I knew you when I was having showers for my babies...you would have livened things up a bit:)

Dog Breath said...

The best gift is, the gift of surprize!

Stop by about an hour before the party, Mom will be busy getting the house "just so" and you can sneak in the window and "borrow" the baby.

Get the baby a Sponge Bob Tattoo and show up to the shower about a half hour late with the baby... SUPRIZE!

Anonymous said...

Sorry for posting as a "Anon" and not registering, but since you by-passed the registry book, so can I. But then, I got nothing to offer anyway.

Shawn said...

Bearman: Ah yes, the noise stratagem. Quite popular and effective.

dizz: Interesting? Bad side? These are great gifts! Any girl would be lucky to have me as their BFF?

Margo: Thanks! I didn't even know that about newborn eyes. Even better.

Winky: There are a few things hard to come by, even on the Web.

Marissa: Ah, Ginsu. I wonder if we've reached the point where young people have no idea what that means.

Shawn said...

Brookeamanda: Your friend will be overjoyed, I know!

Reforming: Hmm, well there is still time.

Phillipia: I think I shall soon be known as the King of Baby Showers (provided that title is not already taken).

Dog Breath: While that is an amazing idea, the baby, unfortunately, isn't born yet. I'll have to save it for the kid's first birthday.

Anonymous: Your logic cannot be argued with.

Heather Cherry said...

Baby jacuzzi... LOLZ.

Chris said...

Haha. A live baby alligator ... PLEASE take a baby alligator too! That would be so much fun.

Tina said...

Since everyone is getting the baby something, you should get something special for mom. All the girls would think you are soooo sweet. But then you'll probably get invited again.

Dalton J. Fox said...

I want one of those tobacco-flavored pacifiers for myself. It's like a nipple and a cigarette all in one. Awesome.

Chris said...

Hahaha @Dalton. Touche.

Shawn said...

Chris: A baby alligator would make a great party favor. More or less harmless unless you get your finger caught in its mouth.

Tina: But really, aren't all the present for Mom when it comes down to it?

Dalton: I know! Perfect for those situations where you can't light up, but still want to engender strange, irritated looks from others.

Kirsten said...

Those are great ideas! Kristen is one lucky lady!
What I always find to be a fun shower gift is one of those shock collars to keep those little whiners in their crib!

Soda and Candy said...

Best. Baby Gifts. EVER.

Love it.

And I also hate people who register for presents.

We literally told everyone NOT to give us presents at our wedding because we didn't want anyone to feel like they couldn't come without a present.

Winky Twinky said...

Hey Phillipia... be sure to remember the King of Baby Showers when you become a grandma! ....see Shawn, you're gettin plugs already.. yep, I roll like dat ;)

Kelly said...

You're ummmm...quite a friend. lol

Shawn said...

Kirsten: Yes! That's fun for both a baby shower and a regular shower.

S&C: Then what's the point of getting married?

Winky: If you're going to work on my behalf, Winky, I'd prefer if it was not towards getting me invites to more baby showers.

Kelly: I do know this.

Me-Me King said...

I think you did a wonderful job! I'm sure the expectant mother will be thrilled with your selections and the other party-gift-giving-people will be green with envy. Be prepared to take a bow!

By the way, if we never hear from you again we won't be too surprised.

Enjoy the party! :)

Jeff Tompkins said...

We need more guys out there willing to do stuff like this in an effort to express the caring sentiment: We guys don't want to be within 100 miles of this type of thing.

Lady Sarcasm said...

Where can I get those pacifiers.. like NOW! Not that my kids use pacifiers mind you.. lmao

Shawn said...

Me-Me King: Hmm...your point is valid. I'll have to do one of those deals where I tell someone, "If you haven't heard from me by 8:00, open the envelope". I don't know what envelope, or what that even means, but it should work.

Jeff: Now if it was a NAKED baby shower, that might be a different story. Wait, that didn't sound right.

Lady S: Yeah I bet you're craving a nicotine binky right about now.

lilaphase said...

Since you are obviously the expert, do you have suggestions for a sweet 16 party?

Candice said...

Baby showers are retarded. I love it when people go out, get laid, produce spawn and then think that someone else needs to give them free shit because of it.

Love your gift selections ;)

alantru said...

So... No booze, no crack, no needles, no guns, no explosives, no condoms, no weed, and no objects that can get caught in throats. Well, it's the thought that counts, I guess...

Vince said...

Wow! Cool gifts! That is one lucky baby! Haha! Those other moms will definitely be envious! Haha! Great post! Will share this with friends.

www.MotivatedMonkey.com

Shawn said...

lilaphase: A Mercedes seems to be the most popular choice, from what I've seen on that MTV show.

Candice: Yeah really! Although I can understand the need for consolation.

Alan: Well you know, you always think of those things after the fact.

Vince: Thanks, I think you're right.

JerseyGirl said...

baby showers are pure hell. hell, i say.

Waltsense.com said...

i think they called that a "jack and jill shower".
That is a term that makes my dad shake his head and good reason. Some thinks need to stay sacred - and buying freaking baby gifts is a women's job. That's like the mixed bachelor/ette part. I mean - show some dignity. I guess men should shave their legs and go tanning....oh yeah..my bad.

Shawn said...

Jersey: Shopping for one is bad enough.

Waltsense: Agreed on all counts.

Dave said...

Babies love to play with plastic bags - at least that is what the label says - " This bag is a toy"

Shawn said...

Dave: That's very true, I wish I would have remembered that. I could have saved a lot of money.

Wendy said...

My life would be completely different if I'd had one of those baby moats.

Shawn said...

Wendy: I don't think any mother should be without one.

Funny Videos said...

Nice gifts. That will make the baby laugh too!

George said...

You've got the goods alright, Shawn. Who needs crap like bibs and a mobile when you've got a freakin' Doberman Saddle?

All mom has to do is get the matching riding crop and baby's got minutes of pure fun until authorities arrive. You're so thoughtful, dawg. I hope you come to my kid's shower so we can rack up.

Shawn said...

Funny Vids: Nothing makes a baby laugh like broken glass.

George: Invitation accepted!

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