24 April 2009

You WILL Acknowledge Me, Wal-Mart Greeter

Well, here I go again, on my way into Wal-Mart. Oh look, a penny. It's turned with the tail facing up. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I can't remember. I'm pretty sure it's a bad thing. I better leave it alone.

Besides, what do I need with a penny? What can you even begin to buy with a penny these days? When was the last time the penny was worth a shit? Even the motto from the Great Depression was "Brother, can you spare a dime?" A dime! Even eighty years ago, people weren't lowering themselves to ask for a penny.

Okay, I'm approaching the doors. What the hell is that lady wearing? She looks like an American buffalo stuffed into footie pajamas. Oh wait, that's exactly what it is. Fun. I wonder what a buffalo is doing outside Wal-Mart on a day like this. Did you know that "Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo." is a complete sentence? It is.

Oh crap, someone's out here asking for money for some charity or another. Avert eyes! What's that shiny thing up there? Well, there I went and looked directly at the sun again, explicitly against my eye doctor's instructions.

All right, I've passed through the gateway. I'm no longer on municipal property. I'm in the Mart. I can't see shit. It smells like a curious mixture of popcorn and grape Bubble Tape in here. Not altogether unpleasant. Do I need a cart? Why am I even here? I completely forget. Maybe I should just go back to the car before I wind up buying something I don't need. But no, I've parked too far away. Might as well trek on.



Oh boy, here we go. The Wal-Mart greeter lies ahead. The last three times I came here, he not only didn't greet me, he failed to smile or even acknowledge my existence. He just stood there, his ancient eyes looking off at some faint point in the distance. If he doesn't greet me this time, I'm going to make a scene. That's his only job, to greet me. Am I not good enough to receive a greeting? Do I need to peacock myself in order to deserve his fleeting attention? Is it not enough that I'm wearing this halter top and a multicolored beanie?

Walking, walking, walking ....

...

... and IGNORED AGAIN!

All right, Wal-Mart greeter, you're about to get a piece of my mind. Depending on your reaction to my angry tirade, we'll see if we need to get the manager involved. I don't want to have to do that--you're probably underpaid, even considering your job and your performance at said job--but I will do what I must. There's only so much disrespect one person---

BATTERIES!

That's what I need. I better go get them before I forget again. But I won't forget this, Wal-Mart Greeter.

I won't forget this.

65 comments:

dizzblnd said...

There are lots of Wal-mart tirade posts lately. This one is great! I canb't believe, dressed as outrageously trhat you were that you didn't even get a tongue lashing.


What do you need batteries for? Your remote.. or is your vibrating open mouthed doll dead?

Never mind.. I don't wanna know

Bird Flu said...

I heard you have a room for rent. It would be for me and a few of my friends. We're small and don't take up a lot of space.

Chris said...

If there is a hell, Walmart is its superstore. I think you should go back and rip that "greeter" a new one.

Winky Twinky said...

I totally admire your determination...but it sounds like you're having a bit of an ADD day there kiddo...I had one myself not long ago. Wait a minute -- a halter top and beanie?..and he didn't notice you?? Are you sure they didn't get this guy from A Weekend at Bernies?

Jenn Thorson said...

I bet if you try shoplifting in front of him, you'll get his attention pretty quick. :)

Shawn said...

Dizz: Don't be ridiculous. My doll runs on gasoline.

Bird Flu: LMAO. Nooooo!

Chris: I would, but the rage has already passed. Well, until next time.

Winky: See, that's the thing. I've seen him greet other people. OLDER people. I think he might be ageist.

Jenn: Hmm, that might be worth a try. You can't get in actual legal trouble for shoplifting, right?

Quirkyloon said...

And what about when those greeters don't have a shopping cart ready for you?

The nerve.

I have to go and get my own darn cart. While they stand there as you say...with that vacant smile and look in their eyes.

heh heh

Thinkinfyou said...

You in a halter top!?! Thanks for the visual! I wonder if Wal-Mart sells stuff that you can scrub your mind clean with?

Me-Me King said...

The last time I was in a WalMart (which was many years ago), I asked Mr. Greeter if he had the sale paper with all the price saving specials listed. He just stood there in silence, he couldn't decide I was a mystery shopper or just a troublemaker.

Dave said...

Interesting. I have to admit that things usually work in reverse for me re: Wallmart. I tend to avert my eyes away from Sunshiny People like Wallmart Greeters. I have this irrational fear that they can get inside my head and read my thoughts. Them and clowns. Both need to be avoided at all costs.

ReformingGeek said...

That greeter is blind, Shawn. You should have known!

;-)

shopgirl101 said...

When my retired, I thought he should have been a Wal-Mart greeter...he didn't like that idea so mcuh :)

Shawn said...

Quirky: I don't think I've ever had a cart handed to me. And I always have the hardest time pulling a cart out of the smushed stack/row. I see other people just gently slide theirs out. Mine, I have to get a jackhammer.

Thinkinfyou: Judging my some of the blank expressions I see on Wal-Mart shoppers' faces, I'd say most of them have had their minds very thoroughly cleaned.

Me-Me King: Well, come on now, you can't expect them to process questions.

Dave: I'm usually with you on the bright, happy people. I don't need a performance. Just a nod and a smile will do. SINCE THATS HIS JOB.

Reforming: I knew those milky eyes meant something, but for some reason I was thinking "stoned". I guess that's bloodshot.

shopgirl: When your...grandfather...retired? Your dad? Your bobcat? Your Buick?

Candice said...

I thought it was my Walmart greeter that was the biggest asshole alive?

He never welcomes me, but if I have something to return, he will pounce and then proceed to spend the next 20 minutes stickering every single item I have to insure that he's being the biggest pita he can possibly be.

We need more walmart greeting WOMEN. That's the real problem here.

alantru said...

Not to boast (never a good way to start a sentence) but whenever I go there I’m always instantly set upon by a Walmart greeter pulling on my sleeve and mumbling incoherently. I think the reason they mumble incoherently is because WalMart greeters are homeless people who are used to standing in doorways and trying to encourage people to part with their money.

Wendy said...

One time I went in there with my "difficult" child. I was trying to get him in the basket and I'd get one of his legs into the basket and as soon as I'd get the other one in he'd have the first one out. And all the while he was grappling my head like one of those aliens that implants eggs into your stomach through your mouth. Not a pretty sight and all in front of the greeter who just stood there staring at me.

My new theory is that they are actually robots like those creepy Japanese receptionists.

By the way, if I'd know you frequently wore halter tops and beanies I would have been tuning in more. That's hot.

Jen said...

I try to avoid the greeters. In fact I would shop at Wal*Mart more if they didn't have them. They really creep me out. I shouldn't piss on them too much however as that is about the only job I am qualified for these days.

C.B. Jones said...

If you find a penny that is tails side up, press up up down down left right left right...and I think a blue turtle shell will appear.

actually, flip it so it's head up, then look around like you noticed something in the distance, then pick up. That's an easy way to get free luck.

Maybe he filled his greeting quota by the time you walked in?

Marissa said...

I would like to be greeted by a cool midget. That would make my day.

Heather Cherry said...

I enjoyed this latest post from "Short Attention Span Blog"... wait, what?

Mike said...

You can be justified in the knowledge that the wall mart greeter will most likely die of old age before the next time you visit.

Helen said...

the greeters only check my receipts on the way out. i must have "theif" written on my forehead.

Helen said...

i'm sorry... i hate when i mispell words...

"thief" there's probably more, but i'm too lazy to correct them. this one stood out to me.

lol

Shawn said...

Candice: You could be right. Maybe take the minimum age down to 103 while they're at it.

Alan: Your comment came off as very boastful, in spite of your disclaimer. Look at me, Wal-Mart greeters love me, ooh. You're probably going to WM right now, just to suck up the glory.

Wendy: Hey, thanks for linking to that video. I was just saying the other day how I was sleeping too much. Solved that problem.

Jen: Oh, I think you're qualified for the yarn section at the very least.

C.B.: THAT's the code. Crap, I can never remember when I'm right in front of it.

Marissa: What about an angry gnome?

Heather: Is that a Short Attention Span Theater reference? I thought I was the only one on Earth who remembered that show.

Shawn said...

Mike: Hmm, that is strangely satisfying. Thank you.

Helen: Yeah, "receipts", "greeters", "forehead", and "the" were all misspelled. I fixed it for you.

I Hate Commercials said...

next time you go in just stand there and stare at him

Marissa said...

Shawn, you forgot to fix "mispell". :D Sorry, I'm just goin' with it. Lol - the irony.

Shawn said...

I Hate Commercials: I don't think I could stand the discomfort. Unless he was dead.

Marissa: Oh yeahhh...lol

Jeff Tompkins said...

There's an old guy at the Wal-Mart here who is on a serious power trip. He's the greeter but also the guy who polices the line at the service desk. If you aren't standing inside a certain black line while waiting to return or exchange something, he will not hesitate to let you know that you are on the wrong side of the line.

I'm not sure what this says about me but I have seriously considered buying something just to return it, and then not follow directions, just to test this guy's power. Someone has to do it.

dizzblnd said...

silly me!

Wendy said...

Oh, I think that's a great idea! Go in and just stand in front of the greeter until they are forced to actually greet you. Report back. We'll be waiting.

Obviously I have no life because I have actually commented on the same post twice. I'm pathetic.

Winky Twinky said...

Marissa: I have gnomes, not angry ones, but nude ones....let me know if interested ;-)

Shawn said...

Jeff: This guy sounds worse than my greeter. I would definitely be interested in the results of a power test.

Wendy: Just twice, eh? ;)

shopgirl101 said...

Dad, when my dad retired! That's what I get for multi-tasking :)

nipsy said...

Dear Halter top Beanie cap wearing customer,

We deeply apologize for ignoring you, however you are the type of customer we avoid at all costs. You see, we know your short attention span, and your ability to buy everything in sight, as long as you are not disturbed by our rattling. So now you know our secret. Please continue through the doors, down aisle one, grab two items, and proceed until you hit aisle 13. We will continue to ignore you until you set off our alarm. Where at that time we will proceed to empty out every bag and check for the non existent security tag.

Your Walmart Greeter.

Marissa said...

Winky Twinky, I like the idea of Gnude Gnomes, but they have to be wearing the gnome hat. Or else they're just like any other short, scraggly, naked guy.

I'm like Wendy - twice today!! Wait - 3 TIMES! I'm leaving now.

nipsy said...

By the By... my walmart greeter ignores us as well. Could be he has heard the story of the last greeter to come up to us. When my youngest was only 4, as the greeter bent down to say hello, he burst out in a screaming voice "stranger danger, stranger danger". Poor greeter was never seen again, at least not when we went shopping.

Tina said...

You should ask the Wal-mart greeter if you can use one of those electric carts you can sit and shop in. I've always wanted to do that. Walking is over-rated.

Shawn said...

Nipsy: Now come on, I've seen people dressed worse than that in Wal-Mart. On a regular basis, actually. As to your second comment, that's hilarious. Kid'll just say any friggin thing to embarrass you, right?

Marissa: Yes, but four times would be the record. You know you kind of want to hold the record.

Tina: I've often thought about going up to four or five hundred pounds just to have an excuse to use one of those.

Wendy said...

Shawn, I'm not that great with numbers. ;)

Lamaworks said...

hmmm...the walmart that opened up around here don't have a greeter. At least I didn't see one. But if the greeter did have a halter top and a multicolored beanie on I would of been very alert....depending on the age...

Chris said...

I'm not American so this may get sniggers and giggles from the crowd ... however I've never understood the concept of a greeter. I think I'd just get annoyed and eventually start shopping elsewhere.

Shawn said...

Wendy: It's okay, neither am I.

Lamaworks: What kind of half ass Wal-Mart did you get? Was there even a buffalo?

Chris: I don't know that anyone here gets the concept, either. It's just Wal-Mart. I can't really think of any other place that does it.

FrankandMary said...

I keep saying I've never been to a Walmart and I was just going to type that here, until I remembered I broke that vow recently because I adore my cat & there was a cat toy she loved, a gift, and I could only get a new one at Walmart. The greeter did greet me. Warmly. Weirdly, but warmly. If greeters won't greet isn't that like a waitress who won't serve you? Can you get that person's Walmart greeting union rep involved?

Shawn said...

FrankandMary: Good to see you had a positive (single) 'Mart experience. The union...you know, that could be the problem right there. As CB pointed out, maybe he had filled his greeting quota for the day.

Heather Cherry said...

BINGO! You win. Yeah, I remember that show. But then I forgot.

*buh-dump-bump!*

JerseyGirl said...

a. if the greeter is ignoring YOU, then the greeter is certainly NOT ageist.

b.
"Why am I even here? I completely forget. Maybe I should just go back to the car before I wind up buying something I don't need. But no, I've parked too far away. Might as well trek on."

...you've stolen this inner monologue. it's what runs through my mind in target. $70 for milk. yeahhhh.

Shawn said...

Heather: That was even before they were Comedy Central.

Jersey: What-EVER, I am young and spry. As for b) yeah, that is more your deal than mine.

RockstarMama said...

Effing Wal-Mart! Smells like feet. If only their liquor wasn't so cheap...

bluntdelivery said...

well i don't know why or now i got here.

walmart greeters.. i mean, were you sitting on the curb 30 secs ago and then wandered in and someone slapped a vest on you? would it kill you to use a brush once in awhile? what up with that.

Shawn said...

Rockstar: That was almost a haiku...

Blunt: It's puzzling. The Hobo Theory is making a lot of sense to me.

Maureen said...

Shawn: Don't yell at him... likely his pacemaker will stop and you'll kill the old guy...
Our "Greeters" never greet. They just stand there with pink stickers to place on all the crap that's being returned.

Shawn said...

Maureen: Maybe it's my mistake, then. Maybe he's a pink-sticker-putter-onner, and not a greeter at all.

Betty said...

I'm glad when they ignore me. I don't know why but I suffer anxiety at the hands of the walmart greeterm

JerseyGirl said...

a. are. not. youre old. it's better that you accept this now.
b. *sigh* i need therapy. RETAIL THERAPY!!

Shawn said...

Betty: Well...quit shoplifting and you'll be a lot less anxious.

Jersey: No! REAL therapy.

Kirsten said...

I hate to tell you, but it's gotta be the halter top. Try wearing a speedo and some tube socks next time. You're bound to get some attention then.

Shawn said...

Kirsten: You'd think, but I've used that outfit before with similar results. Maybe assless chaps and a sheer tank top.

The Stabbing Pen said...

Walmart is still the greatest place on earth probably. I love when towns won't allow one to be built, and then one is built 30 minutes away from that town, and all the people from the original town drive to it. That South Park episode about all this was classic.

Wal-Mart Greeter said...

I'm sick of getting you pansy-asses a basket. Get your own goddamn baskets. I'm 90 years old for f*ck's sake. And stop cross-dressing. When I was your age men dressed like men not with some halter top crap. You probably don't even have hair on your chest or anywhere for that matter. Are you 13? Also, I get paid about $2 an hour and they won't even make up the difference with the glue that holds my dentures in, cheap bastards. That's why I don't smile at you because if I do my teeth while shoot out like hockey puck making a last-second winning goal.

Get off my back you adolescent whiners or I'm gonna blow some swine flu mucus on your basket handle before I give it to you.

Shawn said...

WM Greeter: See this is what I'm talking about. Your attitude is deplorable. It's not my fault you didn't turn to something profitable, like a life of crime.

George said...

You are so hilarious! Lucky, too, cuz whenever I go in Wal-Mart, the greeter mad-faces me like I just shoplifted something from the outside world with intentions of smuggling it in there.

Shawn said...

George: Yeah. I always feel like that leaving Best Buy.

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