10 June 2009

When Is It Okay?

I was reading an article some time ago that was addressing some of the variations on one of the most common questions people have--namely, "When is it okay...?" The questions and answers were so common and generic, however, I found myself losing interest rather quickly. "When is it okay to lie?" "When is it okay to wear white?" "When is it okay to...to...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

I looked through the article, but I couldn't find any answers to the questions I found most pressing in my life. Knowing that the article was likely to be popular and recurring, I penned a list of ten questions in the same format and submitted them to the magazine. Well, it's been roughly a year and none of my questions have made it into the magazine. However, I still need answers! Therefore, I'm turning to you...the Internet...to help me find the answers I'm seeking.




Question #1: When is it okay to eat one of those dishwasher detergent cakes?

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Question #2: When is it okay to tell a department store clerk that you'd like to feel the inside of their pocket?

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Question #3: When is it okay to don a rainbow colored vest and skip through a public park?

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Question #4: When is it okay to use your finger to sample the salsa, rather than a chip?
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Question #5: When is it okay to tell people you saw a dinosaur in their laundry hamper?
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Question #6: When is it okay to poop in the shower?

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Question #7: When is it okay to show co-workers your nude drawings of Abraham Lincoln?
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Question #8: When is it okay to ask your father to change his name to Forrest Whitaker?

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Question #9: When is it okay to admit to a (possible) homicide (legally speaking)?
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Question #10: When is it okay to punch an otter?


Help me, Obi-Wan Commenters. You're my only hope.

46 comments:

Jennifer said...

Huh. I'm first? I uh...think I'll come back later. After I'm done with this tasty cake of dishwasher detergent.

I was really hoping for some answers myself.

Travel & Dive Girl said...

I believe anytime is a good time to punch a otter. I feel the same way about goats.

ReformingGeek said...

Oh, my. The things you ponder, Shawn.

Um....that's easy. NEVER! WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER!

Please don't!

Thinkinfyou said...

1. Dishwasher cakes are most tasty after the rinse cycle.

2.Yes,it's perfectly OK to ask a clerk to feel the inside of their pockets...you might get a hell of a discount,depending on how good of a feeler you are.

3.Skipping through a park in rainbow hues is welcomed the first week of June at Disney World.

4.Finger tasting salsa is OK,but only after feeling up the pockets of a skanky store clerk.

5.NEVER! Don't try it!

6.Only poop in the shower when you are using a public facility...that way you don't have to clean it up.

7.From experience,I think people like to see George Washington in the buff better...you might want to work on that.

8.Ask him to change his name shortly after threatening to put him in a home.

9.Admit only after you've been acquitted.

10.It's OK to punch an otter ,but only if it's gotten mouthy with you first.

Eric said...

Finger in the salsa is ok, but NOT after you've already dipped cause that is just gross.

Don't roll your eyes, it's not like you don't have ten or twenty tries before washing the digits...

Shawn said...

Jennifer: Yes, I expect a treasure trove of excellent knowledge.

Travel: I feel the same way, but my local zoo does not.

Reforming: Oh come on, I just can't believe that there's NEVER a time for any of these.

Thinkin: Thank you for the answers! Very helpful. I should note that all my drawings of George Washington come out looking more like Martha Washington, so I'm either going to have to abandon that idea or take some art classes. Good info on Disney World...oh no, does that mean I've missed my chance this year?

Eric: That's acceptable. I find most salsa's too distasteful to go back for seconds anyway.

Lady Sarcasm said...

Everything is ok but the pooping, and I bet Abe was hung like a horse. Did I say that? Ah hell. :)

dizzblnd said...

Those ARE pressing questions. Good for you for putting them, out there! I have those answers

Question #1: When is it okay to eat one of those dishwasher detergent cakes?

Ater the guy pays you the $500 he bet that you wouldn;t eat the urinal cake


Question #2: When is it okay to tell a department store clerk that you'd like to feel the inside of their pocket?


After you have made eye contact.. you don't just wanna freak him/her out.

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Question #3: When is it okay to don a rainbow colored vest and skip through a public park?


After you have has some LSD and Ecstacy


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Question #4: When is it okay to use your finger to sample the salsa, rather than a chip?

After you have picked your nose and are sure no one is looking.

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Question #5: When is it okay to tell people you saw a dinosaur in their laundry hamper?


After they see you eating the dishwasher and urinal cakes

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Question #6: When is it okay to poop in the shower?

When you fall in the shower and die.

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Question #7: When is it okay to show co-workers your nude drawings of Abraham Lincoln?


When the boss isn't looking

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Question #8: When is it okay to ask your father to change his name to Forrest Whitaker?

Only if he looks like him and after you get him really drunk and stoned


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Question #9: When is it okay to admit to a (possible) homicide (legally speaking)?

Only in confession while wearng a disguise and a voice change (can never be too careful)

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Question #10: When is it okay to punch an otter?


Ummmmmmm don't you know they are viscious little cretures? (My Dad stuck his hand in the otter enclosure at the zoo once.. tore his arm to shreds) My answer is N E V E R


I hope I helped a little

Vivienne said...

I actually use the little dishwasher cakes as convenient, pre-portioned little punishments for those "wash-your-mouth-out-with-soap" moments with the kids.

No more arguing how much of the bar of soap they need to actually put in their sassy little mouths... If there's room for filthy words like "darn it" and "shoot" in their vocabularies, there's room for a dishwasher cake.

(um, it's NOT ok to poop in the shower...?)

Heather Cherry said...

It is only okay to punch an otter if he threatens you with a cute baby. See today's FU Penguin post for more on this: http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/2009/06/desperate-otters-turn-to-cute-based.html

obladi oblada said...

I think any time you feel led to do any of these is perfectly OK. Oh, except for punching the Otter. Never do that.

C.B. Jones said...

Answer to all: when nobodies looking, or when wearing a Nixon mask.

Jenn Thorson said...

Question #1: When is it okay to eat one of those dishwasher detergent cakes?

Always-- it says "cake" right? Who doesn't love cake?

Question #2: When is it okay to tell a department store clerk that you'd like to feel the inside of their pocket?

When they've removed the blazer in question.

Question #3: When is it okay to don a rainbow colored vest and skip through a public park?

Right before the opening of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. Just make sure you're on the payroll.

Question #4: When is it okay to use your finger to sample the salsa, rather than a chip?

If the salsa is on the dance floor, not in a bowl.

Question #5: When is it okay to tell people you saw a dinosaur in their laundry hamper?

If the dino is a Jockeysaurus Rex.

Question #6: When is it okay to poop in the shower?

Whose shower are we talking about?

Question #7: When is it okay to show co-workers your nude drawings of Abraham Lincoln?
The corporate holiday party-- obviously. Then encourage them to replicate it with butt prints on the copier.

Question #8: When is it okay to ask your father to change his name to Forrest Whitaker?

When his name is already Oaktree Whitaker but he's packed on a few pounds.

Question #9: When is it okay to admit to a (possible) homicide (legally speaking)?
You have the right to remain silent...

Question #10: When is it okay to punch an otter?
If the otter starts giving you paw first.

Soda and Candy said...

The answer to the last one is, when they pull shit like this: http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/2009/06/desperate-otters-turn-to-cute-based.html

sorry I can't be arsed making a sexy link.

George said...

I tried that admitting to a homicide thing, but it really causes more trouble than it's worth. Plus, the cops get real sore at you for wasting their time.

Go figure.

Shawn said...

LS: He certainly is in my illustrations.

Dizz: Thanks for all the advice. That guy does still owe me the $500, I'm glad you reminded me of that. I was not aware the otter was so well-equipped to take care of himself. I would employ a duck-billed platypus for backup...if they existed.

Vivienne: I envision a Mom of the Year award coming your way very soon.

Heather: While that is of course grounds for a punch, I wonder if there are other scenarios open to the possibility.

Obladi: Apparently you say not.

C.B. Jones: Hmm, will a Yoda mask suffice?

Jenn: LMAO @ Oaktree Whitaker. Sadly, that is not his name, so I guess that one's out.

Soda: Late to the party, girl. I guess there's a lot of FU Penguin fans that read this blog.

George: Hmm, I see. Good to know someone who has experience in these matters.

Marissa said...

It's okay to punch an otter out just before you skin it for its fur.

The Stabbing Pen said...

Question #1: When is it okay to eat one of those dishwasher detergent cakes?

- Never.


Question #2: When is it okay to tell a department store clerk that you'd like to feel the inside of their pocket?

- 3rd date.


Question #3: When is it okay to don a rainbow colored vest and skip through a public park?

- Anytime, if you're a secure person.


Question #4: When is it okay to use your finger to sample the salsa, rather than a chip?

- When you hate everyone in the room.


Question #5: When is it okay to tell people you saw a dinosaur in their laundry hamper?

- Anytime.


Question #6: When is it okay to poop in the shower?

- Diarrhea, or a fetish request.


Question #7: When is it okay to show co-workers your nude drawings of Abraham Lincoln?

- During lunchbreak


Question #8: When is it okay to ask your father to change his name to Forrest Whitaker?

- Anytime.


Question #9: When is it okay to admit to a (possible) homicide (legally speaking)?

- Anytime (best to come clean).


Question #10: When is it okay to punch an otter?

- I don't advise it, but I guess when nobody's looking would be best.

kathcom said...

#2--I don't know, but I want to be there when you ask.

#3--It's been done. There are people all over the world right now doing this.

#6--When it's someone else's shower. Or when you can't remember if you ate corn recently.

nipsy said...

Easy enough..

1. Only after eating the urinal cake: you need something to get rid of the germs and aftertaste.

2.After they give you back your credit card: you don't want unwanted purchases tossed on there.

3.Only if the local prison isn't out doing trash duty: you might end up on the chain gang.

4.Anytime: as long as you're first. You know where your fingers have been, but what about your neighbors?

5.After about a fifth of Jack Daniels: then its okay for any type of animal sitings.

6.Before washing your body: duh!

7.Only at Christmas: because thats when all the drunken nude pics come out

8.Only after his will is written out and iron clad.

9.Before, during, and after: as long as the glove doesn't fit.

10.Never, they punch back!!

Shawn said...

Marissa: What about after? Or is that just inhumane?

Stabbing: I like your liberal sensibilities on these questions. These were the kind of answers I was hoping for, and therefore I will probably give more weight to them than the others.

Kathcom: Regarding skipping in the park, really? I never see it! Maybe the revolution has yet to come to this area.

Nipsy: Thanks for the help. Excellent advice on #8, although I'm continually surprised by the answers to #10. Who knew there was this much otter-fear in the blogosphere? I think I might have to punch one, record it, and post it, just to show you guys there's nothing to be afraid of. It's just a damn otter!

dizzblnd said...

"I would employ a duck-billed platypus for backup...if they existed."

Hilarious!

Kirsten said...

It's always okay to eat a dishwasher cake, however, if you experience an erection longer than 4 hours, consult you doctor.

Nate Fakes said...

Wow. I'll have to think about these questions for awhile! Especially the one on the otters.

Chris said...

Wow, the random crap that your mind spews out, Shawn. I'd say that it's only okay to call your dad Forrest Whitaker immediately after viewing Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I think that's the only movie where Whitaker was cool.

Good actor, but usually strange characters.

ettarose said...

How fun, here is my advice:
1. Eat a dishwasher cake after kissing the pig you picked up at the bar.
2. You can feel in his pocket when you think he has taken your credit card number.
3. When your name is Richard Simmons.
4. Any damn time you want big guy!
5. Only when you are all dropping acid at the same time.
6. Do it right before you check out.
7. Show them hell! Let them watch you draw!
8. Only when his name is Forrest Gump.
9. When you are caught. Screw that! Deny all the way to the electric chair!
10. If he steals the clam you are beating on a rock.

Funnyrunner said...

These are some long-ass answers. Don't people recognize rhetorical questions when they see them?

Shawn said...

Dizz: I can't let people forget and go back to their platypus-believing ways.

Kirsten: Why? That's the best kind.

Nate: It's okay, take your time. But it's on your head if I punch an otter in the meantime.

Chris: He was great in the Last King of Scotland. I thought for sure that movie would bore me to tears, but it was actually really good.

Ettarose: Well, #5 goes without saying. As for #7, I don't know. They never seem interested when I hint about "Presidential delights".

Funnyrunner: Rhetorical, shmetorical. I need advice!

Soda and Candy said...

Dang it!

JerseyGirl said...

Question #3
....only after you've rolling up your jean shorts for a run around the lake.

-a.

Margo said...

Nevah to all, except the one about the park and the vest. Dish washing detergent is liquid form is tastier, and also useful for cleaning out your shower and hamper.

Jeff said...

This would make a great questionnaire for a jury pool. (Almost serious here.)

Shawn said...

Soda: Try to keep the language down, please?

Jersey: Um. Um. I don't, er. No.

Margo: Well, that's your opinion, but I like the crunch of the cake. Thanks for the cleaning tips, though. I'll remember them if I ever clean.

Jeff: I wonder what kind of answers would be eliminators and which ones includers. Yeah, I said it. Includers.

Dave said...

Your problem Shawn as I see it (and yes, I have a subscription to Psychology Today, so I am uniquely qualified) is that you continually look for validation. Man up! (That was from Dr. Phil; I watch him also, which in effect doubles my credentials).

shopgirl101 said...

I actually knew a guy in college who did poop in the shower, so apparently the answer to that is...whenever you are really, really drunk.

Dalton J. Fox said...

I'm dropping in a bit late, so you might already have all the answers you need. Hopefully I can be of service on a few of them though.

Question #1: When is it okay to eat one of those dishwasher detergent cakes?
Answer: First on your 28th birthday and then every third Monday in October afterwards.

Question #2: When is it okay to tell a department store clerk that you'd like to feel the inside of their pocket?
Answer: Anytime after they've "accidentally" brushed up against your junk two or more times.

Question #3: When is it okay to don a rainbow colored vest and skip through a public park?
Answer: When the carnival is in town and they're looking for new freaks to add to their freakshow. Good luck in your new life as a carny, Shawn. They have small hands and smell like cabbage, y'know.

Question #4: When is it okay to use your finger to sample the salsa, rather than a chip?
Answer: Try it when you have a nasty cut on said finger.

Question #5: When is it okay to tell people you saw a dinosaur in their laundry hamper?
Answer: Drugs and a video camera should definitely be involved with this one.

Question #6: When is it okay to poop in the shower?
Answer: Before washing your ass.

Question #7: When is it okay to show co-workers your nude drawings of Abraham Lincoln?
Answer: Always. I'd suggest keeping copies of said drawings posted all over the office.

Question #8: When is it okay to ask your father to change his name to Forest Whitaker?
Answer: Only if he's the last King of Scotland.

Question #9: When is it okay to admit to a (possible) homicide (legally speaking)?
Answer: Umm ... due to fear of legal repercussions, I'll skip answering this one.

Question #10: When is it okay to punch an otter?
Answer: When it grabbed your wife/girlfriend's ass.

bearmancartoons said...

So Eric since I typically don't wash my hands after pooping, it is still ok to finger dip the salsa?

Scott Oglesby said...

#2 Anytime the department store ‘greeter’ is wearing lingerie and the store is referred to as the ‘champagne room’

#3 Just contact our toll-free number for the gay pride event nearest you! Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

#4 It’s your house, your salsa, your rules

#5 I freaking knew I shouldn’t have given you that fourth hit of acid!

#6 Never. Ever. Under any circumstances. Ever

#7 I’m pretty sure that would be acceptable on casual Fridays

#8 When your father’s name is Forrest Griffin- He’d probly like to fight under that name

#10 If you punch an otter I’m tellin Dad!!

Hope that helps a little Shawn!

Blue Balls The Philosopher said...

Question #1: When is it okay to eat one of those dishwasher detergent cakes?

After a meal. With a dessert wine.

Question #2: When is it okay to tell a department store clerk that you'd like to feel the inside of their pocket?

After a purchase. Again, with dessert wine.

Question #3: When is it okay to don a rainbow colored vest and skip through a public park?

Once you’ve landed the lead role in Joseph and Technicolor Dram Coat. From here on, the world is your oyster.

Question #4: When is it okay to use your finger to sample the salsa, rather than a chip?

Again, Once you’ve landed the lead role in Joseph and Technicolor Dram Coat. From here on, the world is your chip bowl.

Question #5: When is it okay to tell people you saw a dinosaur in their laundry hamper?

Anytime. Just follow that up by telling them you were wasted on LCD when you saw it. That will garner you their respect – and probably get you some sex too.

Question #6: When is it okay to poop in the shower?

Don’t think. Just do it.


Question #7: When is it okay to show co-workers your nude drawings of Abraham Lincoln?

At the theatre.

*Question #8: When is it okay to ask your father to change his name to Forrest Whitaker?

After he’s won an Academy Award.

Question #9: When is it okay to admit to a (possible) homicide (legally speaking)?

When you’ve been caught.

Question #10: When is it okay to punch an otter?

If he you catch him sleeping with your wife.

Shawn said...

Dave: You could be right, but I just don't want to land in prison or be shunned from society. You may not know this, but I travel in some pretty high class circles. These people are repressed.

Shopgirl: You have a disturbingly rich cache of drunk-poop stories.

Dalton: I always did have aspirations of joining the fair. Maybe I could run the Himalaya? That would be awesome.

Scott: If you tell Dad about my otter violence, I'm telling Mom what you did on election day.

BBTPhilosopher: Hmm, you and Jenn both brought up that production of Joseph and the Dreamcoat. Maybe if I don't make it as a carny, I can have a new career as a Broadway (or off-Broadway) actor. La-la-la-la-la-LAAA. Hmm, need to practice.

Tarra Slovan said...

Kick azz blog. Though I'm a bit envious about the massive amounts of comments you get.

Do you think lucy gordon killed herself?

Lunatron (aka Jamie) said...

Wow. First time here and I'm floored. Still, here is how I would answer:
1. After you wake up from an alcohol induced unconsciousness when all of your buddies were around. Sanitize.

2. When they see you in the check out line with a case of Aqua Velva and give you that little wink.

3. When you feel like being all of the Osmond's, simultaneously.

4. After putting your face in the Queso and blowing.

5. When you have a chance to exact revenge on one of the buddies from question 1.

6. When you see a dinosaur crawl out of the hamper and try to shower with you.

7. When they try to weazel out of paying back the $5 they owe you.

8. After the 37th consecutive viewing of "Good Morning Vietnam".

9. When you are alone and can confide Forrest Whitaker.

10. At the zoo. The otters really miss out on good bar fights when in captivity and appreciate the "taste of home".

Thanks for the fun. You have a new fan...

Winky Twinky said...

I don't know about all of these..... BUT, I can say I regularly have dinosaurs in my laundry basket! That's what kids are good for......for me it's grandkids.... but still....along with hot wheels cars, play money, and last year's McDonald's toy....yep...

mama-face said...

I don't know, you tell me. You're the one with all the answers, after all. We look to you for guidance.

Dukakis/Bentsen in '88 said...

Question #1: When is it okay to eat one of those dishwasher detergent cakes?

when you want someone to think you have rabies, like your girlfriend you're cheating on

Question #2: When is it okay to tell a department store clerk that you'd like to feel the inside of their pocket?

after you signify to them you like transvestites

Question #3: When is it okay to don a rainbow colored vest and skip through a public park?

after you get drafted to the army

Question #4: When is it okay to use your finger to sample the salsa, rather than a chip?

always

Question #5: When is it okay to tell people you saw a dinosaur in their laundry hamper?

after you crap in their hamper

Question #6: When is it okay to poop in the shower?

after you tell your friends you saw a dino in the hamper


Question #7: When is it okay to show co-workers your nude drawings of Abraham Lincoln?

after you admit you have slaves

*Question #8: When is it okay to ask your father to change his name to Forrest Whitaker?

if he's a fat black guy that played an obvious transvestite, which you are into by the way

Question #9: When is it okay to admit to a (possible) homicide (legally speaking)?

ask whittaker

Question #10: When is it okay to punch an otter?

when you realize he voted against dukakis and kicks a baby mouse

Shawn said...

Tara: The Commissioner's daughter? Oh no, wait, that was Barbara. I don't think I know who that is.

Lunatron: Excellent advice. However, as I would never watch Good Morning Vietnam that many times, I guess that whole deal is out the window.

Winky: Haha, not TOY dinosaurs!

Mama-face: Well sometimes even the experts need a little help.

Dukakis: Perhaps the best answers of the round. And yeah, an otter that kicked a baby mouse would definitely have it coming.