15 May 2009

Things Found in the Chuck E Cheese Ball Pit

When I was a kid, Chuck-E-Cheese was the place to go. You wanted great pizza? Check. How about all the arcade games you could ever want? Got it. Wait, you still haven't satisfied your need for people in oversized animal costumes? Well, they have that, too. From what I've heard, today's version of Chuck-E-Cheese is light on arcade games and fun, and heavy on parents getting sloshed while their stupid kids wander around wasting tokens on those retarded redemption games. Anyway, in honor of the greatness that used to be Chucksters, here's a brand new pie chart.
Maybe you better just build your own.

45 comments:

dizzblnd said...

I used to love that place. Your pie chart clears up the reason I never took my kids.

PS I responded to your HBDC email.


to sum it up..
GO FOR IT!

Quirkyloon said...

I have always hated this place with a passion. And now you have given me the proof that I have lacked.

I bow to your mighty wisdom Sharkie!

Chris said...

Eew. Just eew.

Dave said...

I have always thought of Chuck E. Cheese as a "crackhouse for kids". Just look at their hyperactive bodies and abnormally dilated pupils. Then, there are the emotional meltdowns around the 90-minute mark. But, I have to hand it to you: the pie-chart is spot on! Great stuff!

Vivienne said...

Loving the fact that there is a ped-predator included in that pie chart b/c I have always thought that was a possibility.

They HAVE to serve alcohol at Chuck E. Hell b/c that's the only way 90% of the parent population can handle it. On the 5 occasions I have found myself in there (other kids' b-day parties) I was part of that 90%.

Lady Sarcasm said...

To find an iguana, would be a great day! Those things are awesome, as long as their claws are dull..

Blue Balls The Clown Esquire said...

“I Lost My Self Esteem in Chuck E Cheese” sounds like a novelty country western song title. As a connoisseur of novelty country western songs, I believe you have a bona fide hit here. Well done.

Shawn said...

Dizz: I had more birthday parties there than I had actual birthdays.

Quirky: Just like a zombie to hate on Chuck E Cheese. For shame.

Chris: A little pee never hurt anyone.

Dave: Yeah, any of those old mega-arcades were like that. Too much stimulus! But so, so nice.

Vivienne: Yeah, I can definitely understand the need for alcohol. Apparently, though, there's this one CE Cheese somewhere (this is a great story, right?) where the cops are called more often than the local bar.

Lady Sarcs: No doubt! I always wished there were more exotic type creatures just walking around. Of course, I guess they wouldn't be exotic then.

Mr. Balls: I can play a few chords on the gee-tar, so I'll have to see what I can come up with. I'll be counting on your Nashville connections to get me started.

Jeff Tompkins said...

Considering the "snakes in the ball pit" urban legend and a similar one involving hypodermic needles, you, sir, could be destined for e-mail forwarding greatness.

Thinkinfyou said...

So wait a minute...you aren't suppose to pee in the ballpit? I guess you learn something new everyday!

Vic said...

Chuckie Cheese isn't Hell, but you can see it from there.

(Someone needs to drag that pedophile out of there.)

tobiano said...

You forgot the thousands of dirty diapers, and depending on the area said playland is located, the amount of hidden evidence tossed in as the crooks run through.

DouglasDyer said...

If I want to take a few days of of work I just bring the boy to Chuck E Cheese. That place makes viruses faster than Tahitian monkey whores. Sure, he'll be coughing and spewing snot out of every orifice for a week but Daddy needs his "me" time.

Phillipia said...

I suggest you make your own "ball" pit out of empty Propel or GatorAid bottles - throwm them in a spare room and have a blast....see my post "Blast from the Past" on 5/14:)

Shawn said...

Jeff: One can only hope that one day I will see my words attributed to George Carlin and subsequently debunked on Snopes.

Thinkin: Nooo. Save that pee for the pool party afterwards.

Vic: Yeah, modern day Chuck E Cheese is apparently quite terrible.

Tobiano: LOL @ criminal evidence. A good possibility.

Douglas: My girlfriend is a Kindergarten teacher so yeah, I know all about germy kids.

Phillipia: That is brilliant! I would have been in heaven with that as a kid.

Maureen said...

Ha! Chuck E has long gone from our city; but it was around when daughter was young... and yes, we DID have a birthday party for her there once. Madhouse.

Now the building is home to a bar. Sounds about right.

Mike said...

I'm surprised the iguana takes a bigger chunk of the pie than urine or the pedophile.

Huh.

Things you learn.

freetheunicorns said...

Wow! That was sweet. So sweet that it's going up on my wall at work. I almost died when I got the portion about the pedophile.

You've been Stumbled.

derek bowles said...

I just went to chuck e cheese. I wish I had known this before I went in the ball pit.

Nate Fakes said...

Chuck-E Cheese used to scare the crap out of me. I used to go to a place as a kid called Major Magics. Same gimic (guys in costumes, games, tokens, etc.) but there we always found ways to cheat at the games.

BTW - love these post. Got ya added on my 'Blogs I Like' section now

Heather Cherry said...

Dood, what about discarded syringes and broken crack pipes? Eh? Eh?

bearmancartoons said...

Dave you missed one more reason it is like a crackhouse.

No adult supervision of kids who go up to complete strangers and beg for tokens like they need another fix.

Shawn said...

Maureen: Yep. Playhouse for kids into a playhouse for adults. That does sound right.

Mike: Well, it was a big iguana.

FTU: Thanks. You must have a pretty laid back workplace.

Derek: Yes. Ignorance is bliss.

Nate: Never heard of that place. For us, it was Chuck or Showbiz. I guess my brothers had Discovery Zone.

Heather: Well, sorry, but I don't live in the ghetto. The Chuxzors around here are classy.

Bearman: My primary aggravation at arcades was always kids who would jump in on 2 player games without even asking. It's like, hey, thanks, I was just about to beat the boss, but yeah, go ahead.

Dalton J. Fox said...

I loved that place as a kid. The last time I went it had changed A LOT, and that was close to ten years ago. I don't even wanna think about how shitty it probably is now.

Margo said...

Only place on earth that gives me a headache, unless I count airplane trips when the oxygen masks come down. I heard one time that a copperhead in a ball pit (might have been at burger king or something, not at Charles Evil Cheese) bit a child. I hope it is an urban legend, but I never let my kids get back in one of those things.

Winky Twinky said...

Well THAT'S why they got rid of the ball pits.... but as a grandma... it's still the place to go..to keep the little ones busy, happy, full, and -- traumatized by the huge mouse-guy in a sui!! lol... Only for one of my three, but.... I still love Chuck E's, AND Major Magics... yep, we had a Major Magics before a Chuck E, and when my son was young, that's what we had here.... Thanks Shawn for the.. uh... reality check??

Soda and Candy said...

They serve alcohol at Chuck E Cheese? A children's restaurant?

Okay, Americans are officially no longer allowed to refer to Australia as "the drunken us".

Marissa said...

Confession time: I still stop by there once in a while, only because that's the only place I can still play Centipede and Missile Command.

Hmmm, maybe they think I'M the pedophile?! I'm getting a shirt that says "NOT the predator that Shawn warned you about."

Shawn said...

Dalton: Yeah, it's hard to find anyplace that has some decent arcade games and pinball machines. I wish there was a Dave and Busters around here.

Margo: I'm almost certain the rattlesnakes/copperhead thing is an urban myth. Almost certain.

Winky: Man, how did I never hear about this Major Magics place?

Soda: Yes they do. I've never heard that term for Australia...

Marissa: Hmm, if Chucks still has games like MC and Centipede maybe its not gotten as bad as I thought.

ReformingGeek said...

Again, so happy I don't have kiddos and turned down all invites to that place! Thanks for sharing what I suspected for a long, long time.

The Office Scribe said...

I was almost killed in a ballpit at Chuck E. Cheese (Though it was a Showbiz when the incident took place.) I was trying to claw my way up the rope ladder to save myself when I was punched by a bratty little boy (I was like 5 he was about 7), tumbled backwards, and got my foot caught up. The teenage worker actually had to come and cut my foot out of the ropes.

It still haunts this to my day.

The Offended Blogger said...

Thanks alot, I was planning on spending all weekend there and now...

...well, I think there is something in the bible about being covered in urine on a Sunday. :(

zodiblog said...

They would need to 'serve' a morphine drip to get me back in their doors. The one place on earth with worse pizza than Dominos.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Thank GOD they don't have ChuckE's here in Canada...they do, however, have McD's, which is very much the same thing, I'm sure. Which is why I don't go into the ballpit. Ever.

Shawn said...

Reforming: Yes, but you don't know what's in the "Things Found In The Gym" pie chart.

Office Scribe: Wow, near death in the ball pit. That would make a great movie premise. I'll be in contact for the rights to the story.

Chelle: Yes, but it's supposed to be cow urine. You still might be all right, though.

Zodiblog: I LOVED Chuck E's pizza as a kid. Dominos pizza used to be good, too. I don't know what happened.

Mary: That's probably a good thing. I don't think they take kindly to adults, watch list or not.

George said...

Oh, so that's why my son found a urine-soaked iguana in there. I thought it was just one of those redemption prizes. :)

mama-face said...

Wow, that Vivienne has good taste in blogs.

Once, many years ago, I was in the torture chamber known as ChuckECheese and witnessed a child puke in the ball pit. I informed a worker who shrugged his shoulders and told me it happened all the time.

Needless to say, never again did my children enter the Ball Pit of Puke.

Shawn said...

George: Easy mistake to make, considering those prizes.

Mama-face: Yeah, greasy pizza + insane activity is usually not a problem you want the answer to.

unfinishedrambler said...

I liked the color wheel. Very nicely done. However, the yellow should have represented the urine, don't you think? :)

The Stabbing PEn said...

Nathans for Life, pwns Mr. Cheese.

Jenn Thorson said...

I only went to the land o' Cheese once, and I was a teenager brought there by my aunt, for my younger cousins.

At the time it had seemed like animatronic hell with a side of cardboard pizza.

There was skiball, so that somewhat redeemed it. But still... I'd rather have me some Dave & Busters, methinks.

Shawn said...

Ramblez: Good point, but as I reuse the same pie chart for all of these posts, it never even occurred to me.

Stabbing: Nathans? WTF? The only Nathans I know are the Jewish hot dogs.

Jenn: Animatronic hell? I love animatronics. I hope they never go away.

nipsy said...

The Chuck E Cheese pit is a dark scary place. I have to admit there was an incident where I had to go into one. My daughter wouldn't come out, and the employees wouldn't go in and get her for me. They made me take off my shoes. I will never admit exactly what happened in there, but I'm scarred for life. Not sure if my feet will ever get over that.

Funnyrunner said...

ugh. I absolutely LOATHE chuck e cheese's. I think you've missed a few ingredients in the ball pit, such as e-coli, ear wax, spit, and human hairs...

and hey - what's wrong with parents getting sloshed while their kids play? I resemble that... I mean resent...

Shawn said...

Nipsy: That sounds horrifying. I'm not sure I want to know the whole story, yet a part of me really, really does.

Funnyrunner: Well, I guess it's okay when you're the one getting tanked. Not okay if it causes you to angrily threaten other parents with a knife and have to be carted away by the police. You know, for instance.