Well, Mother's Day is Sunday, and once again the greeting card companies will be making a fortune penning witticisms that you're too lame to come up with on your own. Cards will be given, cursorily read, and promptly tossed into a drawer (or straight into the trash). Even with this foreknowledge, millions of sons and daughters will be heading out to the store, spending forever and a day scouring the shelves for the card that just says it best.
And while I'll be doing the same, here are some cards that I'm (almost) surely not going to buy.
Click to enlarge if your eyesight sucks.
49 comments:
As a mother, I'd be more than happy to receive any of these cards...except the fat one! heh heh
Ha!! Love them.. I want to make one for my mother (she didn't raise me):
Dear She Who Should Never Have Given Birth
It's days like this I'm sure you regret you never followed the advice given to you years ago
SWALLOW IT!!
Those are great!! That's the one day I won't get hit up for money....probably...
This year I plan on heading out to find hot moms and giving them MILF cards.
"How 'bout whipping out them titties"??? My god, that's hilarious.
All great, as per usual.
Ah, when you care enough to send the first card you grab from the 7-11... Shawnmark.
:)
Quirky: Just getting a card is good enough, right? That's always been my thinking.
Nipsy: Brilliant, and just the kind of card I would expect you to give.
Winky: Er, well, about that...
FTU: Excellent idea. MILFs need to know they're appreciated.
Chris: Thanks.
Heather: I am filled with great. ;)
Jenn: Not the first card. You usually have to dig a little to find the really cheap ones.
Shawn, I see a future in greeting cards for you. Father's Day is right around the corner.
Whipping out them titties one made me almost lose my lunch.
GROSS!
Haha, fantastic. You should submit these to Hallmark.
Almost as tasteful as what I put on my Mother's Day card. I blogged about it today. ;)
First of all ... I know need to use a different name due to the fact that some other 'Chris' reads your blog. Am I disgusted at this? Yes.
Second of all ... actually I've forgotten my second of all because I'm so taken back by the commonality of my name. Does it have anything to do with mothers day cards? No.
When I was 7, I bought a card for my mom that had on the front: "Hey, Mom--can I borrow $1.50 to buy you this card?" And thus began the chapter in my life known as "The Foster Care Years"...
Brooke: I wonder if there's a market for spider-themed greeting cards.
Mike: If I made the king of gross out humor nauseated, I will consider it a badge of honor.
S & C: I will...if they ever lift that restraining order.
Candice: Oh, you definitely won the tastefulness contest.
ChrisTheAlco: I can see where you would feel a little lost. May I suggest "ProudMonkeyOwner" as a new screenname? No, I can't, because you won't effing buy one.
Dave: I don't think I bought my first Mother's Day card until I was 25, so your mom was way harsh, I figure.
Dear Shawn,
Where do I download the card of "whipping out them titties?" Since I am going to give my mom the gift of a tattoo of my face on her chest, I think this card is just perfect.
Definitely feeling the love here today. I'm getting some serious inspiration for father's day here. I've got to go eat lunch and call my therapist now! Happy weekend!
I get the unspoken version of the "Dad bought this card" card every year.
Very funny!
For old tmimes sake huh!! WOW Go ahead.. I dare ya
Those are great, this year I'm giving this card to mom:
Happy Mother's Day
I have decided to move back in to the basement
Have a great day
ps, we are out of pizza rolls
Would save a lot of trees if people would just say this to their moms.. "hey ma, I got you a card, but I ate it" Or something lame like that. lol
Carl: I would just stop at the tattoo. Maybe give the card next year. Too much at once isn't always a good thing.
Margo: I hope the therapist call was already planned...
Vic: Yeah, I think most moms do.
Dizz: Not for a thousand dollars.
Derek: Yeahhhh...I can tell you...uh...from what I've heard...ahem...that one isn't as appreciated as you might think.
Lady o' the Sarcasms: That might work for a goat's mom. Otherwise, might want to go to e-card route.
Just tell me you don't plan on continuing the 'whipping out' line of cards on Fathers Day...
You lost me at card.
Just kidding. My mom has a drawer full of every card I've ever given her. Yes, I believe that. You meant she might be fibbing?
No.No.No!
Hahaha! The 4th one had me cracking up laughing the most! Whew!
I'm still laughing at ChrisTheAlco! It's his fault, he distracted me. Now I FORGOT what I was going to comment...!
Oh yeah, the only response to the Fat Mom card is: I love you too, you fat ass kid!
You bastard. :) When you buy a shark, I'll buy a monkey!
My mum will kill me if i get her these cards. haha
So many choices - I'll have a hard time picking one!
We adore this blog!
Check out ours when you get a sec at
http://snarknbeans.blogspot.com/
Here's my contribution:
Dear Mom, sorry Dad let you die in bed without ever calling 911, but on a brighter note he rolled his jeep on top of himself and died, but not before he married the meanest woman on the face of the earth. Have a great day in heaven! I love you!
VE: You have my word.
Reforming: Oh I believe it. Some people just can't bring themselves to throw cards out. I actually have a bunch of them, too.
George: Any mom would be proud.
Marissa: That would be hurtful. What kind of a mom are you? ;)
NotProudMonkeyOwner: Sorry, sir. I was just really excited about some monkey stories.
Singapore: Yeah, they're definitely for a niche audience.
lilaphase: It's acceptable to give multiple cards, so why choose?
Lori: Ohhhhhkayyyy.
Anon: Jeez...this isn't Post Secret.
LMAO! Those are great! BTW, I nominated you for an award...you can check it out at my blog
Who is that lazy that they forget to at least buy a crappy card for their mom on mother's day?
Nice selection there, Shawn. My son sent me a card thanking me for teaching him the appropriate times for asking someone to pull his finger. Kids these days!
As a dad, not looking forward to father's day
Oh great. My kids actually gave me one of your cards for Mother's Day. Thanks a LOT. I'm taking away their printer privileges! (And I'm not saying which one, either.)
Ambrosia: Thanks!
Bearman: *hides head in shame* I always called...
Me-Me: Hey, a kid's gotta know.
Anon: Understood. ;)
Wendy: Thinking about the ages of your kids...mmhmmm...yep...it was the MLM one, wasn't it?
THANK YOU. I LOATHE Mother's Day. Every card I pick up says my mom is my best friend or that she was the BEST MOM EVER... why don't they have any cards that say: "you were an okay mom..."
hopefully my mom won't see this....
Can't be any worse than the 100 fucking noodle necklaces that I get each year !!
Funnyrunner: I find that the problem with every holiday's cards. They're always WAY overstated or way understated. I'm just going to start making my own.
Dani: I made a noodle Jesus once, but never a noodle necklace. Anyway, you know you love em.
Bwahhhahahahahaha...those are freakin' funny! Whew, I can't even tell you how close I came to piddling myself, lol. Oh, especially the titties one, what a hoot! Okay, not so sure how many mothers would sincerely appreciate a card like this (although, ahem, I know I would, hee hee) but, come on, compared to noodles necklaces...these cards are absolute heaven, ha ha.
Oh, and dani c, please tell me you're not a "re-gifter". Noodle necklaces? Ahhhhh, man, I think I need to take some really, really deep breaths now.
Whew...noodle necklaces....omg...can't...breathe. LOL
Misstfied: Thanks, and yeah, although I'm sure there are some mothers who would appreciate that card, I don't want to meet them.
Thank you.
These are extra special. You’ve pierced the Hallmark ™ veil of sappiness and sentimentality and delivered a pure and frightful message. The type that I’ve always hoped to convey to my dear old mum but have never been able to put into words. I was so impressd, I sent all five of your cards to her (with flowers and a horse’s head). Then I called her and asked her what she thought. For some reason she hung up on me.
My dad once referred to my mom's egg as merely a receptacle for his sperm. My dad apparently thinks he's 90% responsible for my birth. He probably doesn't believe in Mothers Day.
OMG... thank God my daughter takes after me and MADE me a card. But those were hilarious. Good thing she doesn't read this blog.
Blue Balls: Strange reaction. Are you sure it wasn't something you said?
Stabbing: Interesting. Perhaps he's more receptive to the fanfare that comes with Father's Day.
Maureen: Good thing for a number of reasons, I imagine.
Ah Sharky,
I was sitting in a physician's waiting room, reading your blog on my iPhone, passing the time until they called me back to see the doc. I was laughing SILENTLY, until I read "THE" card, you know, "THE ONE", the "bosom card" heh-heh. I can't even type it...when I read it, this huge laugh blurb expoded out of my mouth! Everyone in the lobby thought I had Tourette's, I'm sure!! Thanks. Thanks so much for that!
Nan-Nan: Heheheh. Hopefully Heather got you a much more appropriate card.
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