24 June 2009

Reference Letters! Get Your Fresh, Hot Reference Letters!

Well, job seekers, judging from the fact that unemployment numbers continue to rise, I might have been tempted to think my Interviewing Tips had gone unheeded. However, I now realize there could be another reason for this unfortunate turn of events. See, many employers walk into their job interviews with sparkling resumes, bright personalities, and plenty of thoughtful questions, only to find themselves turned away. Why is this? Because they don't have any references. They were summarily dismissed from their previous jobs, and their only friends exist on the other side of message board screennames. Have no fear, referenceless recluses, the Shark Tank is once again coming to your rescue!

I have written dozens of references for my friends and acquaintances, all of whom went on to get the job of their dreams. Don't believe me? Here are some testimonials:

"With Shawn's helpful reference letter, I was able to leave my low paying pharmaceutical sales job for a lively career in MLM marketing!"
Amy B.

"I thought I would never get a job. Employer after employer slammed the door in my face. Thanks to Shawn's reference letter, I was able to end my streak of bad luck and secure a job with Enron!"
Fred M.


This kind of success can be yours as well, dear reader. Here are a couple of sample letters I have written for applicants in the past, both of which were likely the deciding factor when it came to the subjects' obtainment of gainful employment.

To Whom It May Concern,

Let me tell you a little bit about my friend, Matt. He is loyal, honest, and trustworthy. When he pees in my bathroom, the house smells like vanilla for a week. He has been a family friend for some time and is the possible father to my two children. He is decisive and swift of action, as evidenced by the time he murdered a local game show host over a matter of a "fixed game". Having paid his debt to society over that little incident, I believe he would make a wonderful addition to your company.

Shawn
Here's another example.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I'm going to be honest here. I don't know if Janie is human or alien. I would say human, because she is friendly, hardworking, and she looks like a human. I would say alien because I had a dream several nights ago in which she removed her head only to reveal a grotesque alien head inside of that one. Approximately 9% of the time, I dream of things that come true later. That is just a fair warning, although I have never seen Janie exhibit alien behavior in real life.

Shawn

So if you're looking for a job, and you have an extra $933.12 laying around, feel free to send that money to me, and I'll hook you up with a reference letter that can't miss.

36 comments:

ReformingGeek said...

Please send the money to me. I'll write YOU a reference letter.....

;-)

Thinkinfyou said...

Thankfully, I'm not looking for a job right now.

Jenn Thorson said...

You are SUCH a helper, Shawn-- I just don't know how you can continue to just GIVE, GIVE, GIVE.

Quirkyloon said...

Only $933.12? That's practically giving these letters away! Ha!

bearmancartoons said...

I have never had a company actually call my references.

dizzblnd said...

Whata great service you are providing. I think I need to get a 2nd job.. can I pay you AFTER I get hired and get my 1st 9 paychecks?

Or payments? You won't said Frankie after me with a bat if I miss a payment would you?

C.B. Jones said...

Is it alright for me to pay with wishing well pennies, and belly button lint?

Heather Cherry said...

Yea! I give this post 3 out of 28 stars!

Eric said...

May I recommend to you Shawn's reference letter writing services with no qualifications whatsoever...

Soda and Candy said...

Can I get the reference letter for free if I smile prettily and twirl my ponytail?

No?

Damn it!

Soda and Candy said...

Also it was funny getting a job here because nobody could be arsed checking my Aussie references, due to the 14 hour time difference.

Jeff said...

Would you be willing to help me apply for the job of President of the Islamic Republic of Iran? I hear there may soon be an opening. Thanks in advance.

Funnyrunner said...

I really think you're low-balling yourself, here. Why don't you enroll in my "build your self-confidence" clinic? Only $1,000 for one session...

Margo said...

When I decide to go back to the workplace someday, I be sure to let you know after I find a job. Thanks!

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Any applicant would be proud to wield a reference letter from you, Shawn.

I actually do write reference letters all the time. It's tough when a marginal employee asks for one (though it usually means that they're quitting, which is a plus). Some day I want to write one that says:

To Whom it May Concern:

John Smith has asked me to write him a letter of recommendation. I am complying with that request.

Sincerely,

Chris

DouglasDyer said...

The job's going fine but if you wouldn't mind getting your friend Matt in touch, that'd be great. My bathroom does not smell like vanilla. Not even close.

Shawn said...

Reforming: Check's in the mail.

Thinkin: Ah, but it never hurts to plan ahead.

Jenn: I like to give until it hurts. Usually right in the sciatic nerve region.

Quirky: It is the offer of a lifetime.

Bearman: Me neither, which has always been an immeasurable blessing.

Dizz: I suppose we can work something out. No need to get Frankie involved. Yet.

C.B.: Only if it's pink lint.

Heather: You're crazy. This is a 19 star post if I've ever seen one.

Eric: Yes! Spread the word.

Soda: Only if you put lights in your hair before twirling.

Soda2: Kangaroos can't talk on the phone anyway.

Jeff: Absolutely! No refunds if you're killed within the first month, though.

Funnyrunner: I'm in!

Margo: With my tips and references, you can't go wrong.

Chris: Exactly. This person...well, they came to work. Usually.

Douglas: Just wait till you smell his poop.

Her Artichoke Heart said...

I just got a new job, and I think tjey still haven't called my references yet -- luckily I didn't put you down as one! By the way, I just nominated you for a Kreativ Blogger Award on my blog (http://HerArtichokeHeart.blogspot.com)

Lunatron (aka Jamie) said...

How frustrating... I just looked under the sofa cushions and scraped together $933.o4. I'll never get that letter.

Theresa said...

Damn, wish I would have had the money for ya before I interviewed for my current job. Maybe I would have done better than the rank government job I got.

Scott Oglesby said...

As I was working my way up from a street thug, I thought to myself; I’d make more money as a loan shark and bookie. Then I thought to myself; I bet I could get a ton of really great reference letters! So after putting a few heads through a few windows I got the job!-True story! See, things usually work out real good!

foxy said...

You know, I really like that you're doing your part to help people - in these tough times and all.

Vic said...

I honestly don't know how I ever lucked into a job without your life-changing reference letter magic!

I'm trying to get a job as a Fantana, but it's not going so well at the moment. Any suggestions?

Shawn said...

Her Artichoke: Congratulations on the job. I guess you don't NEED my help.

Lunatron: I'll be over later to help you look through your car.

Theresa: True, true. There's always a chance to get out there and do better!

Scott: It's inspiring comments like yours that keep me going.

Foxy: Yes, I'm a one-man economy re-builder.

Vic: I'll think of some advice if you can hook me up with some free Fanta. I love that stuff!

Dave said...

You have the incredible ability to size up a person's strengths and present it such a way that a prospective employer has no choice but to hire the heck out of 'em.

And although I currently have a job, I would greatly appreciate it if you could write me a letter highlighting my strengths, as my current employer still doesn't believe I have any.

Blue Balls The Toilet Monkey said...

Pee that smells like vanilla is a rare and noble quality. The late Harvey Kellog said his turds smelt like baked bread. Oh the letter you could have wrote for him.

trippinwithrip said...

oops, pardon me, i've wandered over to your site somehow, nice digs over here. i could get comfortable and settle in here for about an hour or two. lots os cool crap. i'll be back to read in a little while when i have more time. PEACE.
Lynn

George Ford said...

I've scraped together $564.17 . How good a reference can I get for that? And could you mention something nice about the way I walk on water and stuff?

Wendy said...

I have about $927 and can probably make up the difference with a really killer root-beer float. However, I'm a little bit worried because I'm pretty sure my pee doesn't smell like vanilla.

shopgirl101 said...

I think you've found another successful side-job!

Shawn said...

Dave: Done and done, sir. Should I emphasize your x-ray vision, or is that something you prefer to keep on the DL?

Blue Balls: I should have loved to smell such a thing.

Trippin: All righty then, looking forward to your return.

George: I suppose that will have to do. However, I must say that traipsing through your flooded basement does not count as "walking on water".

Wendy: SOLD! Don't worry about the pee, it's a rare gift.

Shopgirl: It seems that way!

nipsy said...

Since I have once again been laid off (this time due to the boss's girlfriend needing my job), I am in need of your wonderful reference letters...

Can I pay with a post dated personal check?

ChrisD said...

You know ... I helped someone out with a reference letter recently. They didn't get the job.

When they start talking to me again I'll send them your way.

p.s. Do you offer commission for referrals?

MegaMan The MadMan said...

After seeing the letter you wrote your friend I am jealous..I feel short changed.."MegaMan's shit doesn't stink" is what you wrote for me... for $933.12 could you maybe rewrite it so that it comes out smelling like roses..Thank You for your cooperation..

kanishk said...

Thankfully, I'm not looking for a job right now.

lise charmel

kanishk said...

Whata great service you are providing
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