25 May 2010

Some Dogs Don't Deserve to be Adopted

[As part of a community outreach program, The Shark Tank is pleased to welcome SPCA Tampa Managing Director Phil Gillman, who has a few words he'd like to get off his chest about pet adoption.]

For years, the SPCA has been the leader in the nationwide movement to protect precious animals from evils such as overbreeding, abuse, and neglect. As part of that effort, we have encouraged a system whereby potential pet owners come to us for adoption possibilities, rather than patronize expensive pet stores that likely sell pets from outdated and immoral breeding farms. While this movement has been a tremendous success, I can no longer stand by and let bad dogs go to good homes. Let's face it, some dogs don't deserve to be adopted.

To prove my point, I'm going to pick a sampling out of our current batch of dogs at the Tampa chapter of the SPCA. Don't get me wrong; many of the dogs here are well trained, obedient, and ready for a nice home. They will play with kids, fetch the newspaper, and do all manner of things people expect out of their faithful friends. Then there are the dogs I'm about to feature. While some of them certainly look like the type of pet you would bring home to Mom, let there be no mistake: these dogs are bad. Let's take a look.

Name: Bernie
Breed: German Shepherd Mix
Favorite Color: Atomic Tangerine

Why He Doesn't Deserve to be Adopted: Bernie is certainly a playful sort and one look at his rambunctious face will lead even the most hard hearted to fall immediately in love. Unfortunately, Bernie is a habitual liar. He claims to have invented helium and to be the first dog in space. This could be excused as mere senility or even eccentricity, but his lies are typically not so grandiose. Usually he just lies about whether or not he's been fed.

Name: Captain Courageous
Breed: Welsh Corgi
Favorite Song: "Yes! We Have No Bananas" from the musical Make It Snappy

Why He Doesn't Deserve to be Adopted: The good Captain will fool even the sharpest of dog lovers with his meek manner and his lovely pork choppish scent. Adopter beware, however! Captain Courageous is one of the laziest canines I've ever had the displeasure to meet. Though his resume suggests a great deal of experience in secretarial work, he will not take so much as a single page of dictation, even at a fair wage. If you like your dogs to be freeloaders, this is your guy. Otherwise, avoid.

Name: Roxy Fantabulous
Breed: Labrador/Great Dane mix
Favorite Insect: Pink Katydid

Why She Doesn't Deserve to be Adopted: Roxy has a number of traits typical of a dog. She likes to chill out and chew on a bone. She likes to go for long walks, stopping every few feet to release imaginary pee on unmarked patches of land. She even likes to watch television, particularly late night infomercials. Oh, and she likes to crush your dreams as quickly and efficiently as possible. What's that? Oh yeah, Roxy is our resident Debbie Downer. Let's say you're thinking of going back to school to become a dentist. Roxy will be there to remind you how hard the entrance exams are and how unwise it would be to take out student loans at this point in your life. Maybe you dream of asking out that gorgeous gal you see every Friday at Starbucks. Roxy will quickly let you know how unsuccessful this would likely be, considering your growing pot belly and undiagnosed skin condition. Sure to trample every aspiration until you settle in to your meager existence, Roxy Fantabulous should never be adopted.

Adopting the wrong dog is not only bad for you, bad for the dog, and bad for the planet, it actually sets our efforts back considerably. For the sake of all dogs everywhere, make sure you do some research before adopting a pet and don't reward bad dogs by giving them a loving home. They don't deserve it.


foxy said...

Just look at the smug look on ALL their faces. I could pick out those lying, lazy, dream-killing swindlers from miles away.... psh.

Quirkyloon said...

Awwww look at the poochers! They are soooo cute!

I'll take 'em all!

Venom said...

If the local humane society had had the guts to come forward with this kind of warning we may not have adopted the Mighty German Shepherd Hunter Bitch.
We'd have a lot more deer and wildlife around, but who would protect the farm from the bears, wolves, & coyotes??

Gorilla Bananas said...

They certainly shouldn't be adopted by humans, who prefer their pooches to be dumb and obedient. But chimpanzees enjoy pitting their wits against a sly dog.

Phil Gillman said...

Foxy: That is truly a gift. We'd like you to consider coming to work for us as a screener.

Quirky: That is an extremely bad idea. These dogs get by on their cut faces. It's time to look past that and see into their dark hearts.

Stabbing: That's the spirit. Spread the word on these layabouts.

Venom: It's true. Once in a while, owners can look past certain faults if there's a greater good. Not often, though.

Gorilla: This I didn't know. Perhaps we should work on a chimpanzee-related adoption service. Or a new game show.

JerseyGirl said...

"stopping every few feet to release imaginary pee on unmarked patches of land. She even likes to watch television..."

...sounds like someone I know....

And yes, much better. : )


woman:confused said...

I'll take dog #3 please. I don't want one who is going to lie about being fed or who is going to be a freeloader!
Dogs are man's best friend, right? Well, then Roxy sounds like the PERFECT best friend - telling you how you can't do it, making sure you know your limits, etc.
Sounds just like my BFF from high school!

Jeff said...

It's probably a good idea to go overseas to adopt, like Angelina Jolie and Madonna. That is how they became famous, I think.

vange said...

I wait for them to adopt me.

Phil Gillman said...

JG: Yes, it's common dog behavior, unlike some of her other characteristics.

Woman:Confused: Well, if its negativity you want, Roxy is certainly the dog for you.

Jeff: Most overseas dogs are snooty and don't understand English. I can't recommend it.

Vange: You just have to hope that happens before you get put down.

Cassie said...

Are you sure that roxy isn't my dog, Sadie? Want a Debbie Downer. Gosh!

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Oh my God, this was friggin' hilarious. At first I thought you were just going to stick with typical doggie misdeeds like pissing on the furniture (I'm looking at YOU, Newton), but then to have the reasons turn out to be more human-like foibles? Brilliant.

Shawn said...

Cassie: It's a bit of an epidemic, I'm told.

Chris: Thanks, dude.