14 May 2010

The Perfect Post

Those in the blogging business know how difficult it can be to craft a good post. You have to think of an idea (or be inspired by one from an exterior source), but that's the easy part. From there, you have to spend time with that idea, working it this way and that like a Rubik's Cube, finding the angle that will serve the story best. It is an exhausting process, on par with tarring a roof or wrestling an alligator.


Protip: Go for the tail


Sometimes the process gets out of hand. On July 6th of 2009, I came up with the greatest idea in the history of blogging. Just the mere mention of the idea gave me chills. Murmuring the idea in my sleep was single-handedly responsible for several birds dying outside my bedroom window. One of them was an ultramarine lorikeet, one of the rarest birds in all of North America. Most unfortunate.

The problem? The idea was too good. I wrestled for hours on how to present it perfectly, giving it the perfect showcase that it so desperately deserved. Hours turned into days and days turned into weeks. I couldn't do it. I could not form the words that would give my idea justice. Better that it should go forever unwritten than for me to bring it to the blog in a manner unbefitting its glory.

I could have moved past it. I could have continued to throw up new blog posts unrelated to THE IDEA, but it all seemed so meaningless suddenly. Every time I turned on the computer I was reminded of my failure. To forget about it and return to business as usual would have been like craving a bowl of gourmet ice cream and then settling for a bowl of Grape Nuts. I don't like Grape Nuts. They tire my jaw.


Only...four...more...bites


With the benefit of time and reflection, however, I have finally come to terms with my regret. THE IDEA may never fully come to fruition, but the show must go on. With oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico, Sarah Palin still enjoying inexplicable popularity, and Casey James disturbingly close to winning American Idol, America needs the Shark Tank more than ever. I can no longer neglect my task.

¡Viva la tiburón!

25 comments:

obladi oblada said...

Updated yearly? Is that why you havent been around? Updated yearly...thats funny.

Funnyrunner said...

Is it you? Shark Tank? You've been absent almost as much as I have. When your site was loading all I could see was "shark tank... updatd yearly," and I nearly spit my vodka tonic out through my nose! (nearly... whew. the alcoholic beverage, extremely needed today, was preserved and has safely made it back to my blood stream).

welcome back!

love the grape nuts humor. I was trying to explain to my kids the other day just how rock hard and disgusting they are, and I still have no idea why they're called "grape" nuts. wtf?

JerseyGirl said...

Indeed interesting....neither grape nor nut.

Do not neglect your task again.

-a.

George said...

Man, welcome back. This was a loooong wait, but well worth it. :)

Shawn said...

Obladi: Didn't make it past the headline, eh?

Funnyrunner: Maybe "grape" has another meaning. Some archaic definition, only known in the era when Grape Nuts was last enjoyed that cereal.

JG: I shall not.

George: Too kind, sir. Thank you.

Wendy said...

Yay! I'm so glad you're back. I missed you. In a kind of platonic stalking sort of way.

Ultramarine Lorikeet said...

Screw you and your IDEA!

Agnes said...

Welcome back :-)))

Unfinished Rambler said...

Oh my gosh, I can't believe it's really you. And I shall drink it down, the alkie that I am, to your honor. Long live The Shark Tank.

Shawn said...

Wendy: That's the best kind of missing.

Ultramarine: It was an accident, sir. An ACCIDENT!

Agnes: Thanks!

UR: Yes! The return of the Shark Tank calls for much Jager!

vange said...

Well, you deserve a good long rest. See you next June, I hope! ahahahaaaa

foxy said...

Well, I'm personally glad that you didn't ruin The Idea by presenting it horribly. You're right... better for it to go left untold. Believe or not, I have several of those babies floating around in this head of mine. Or maybe that's the bugs I ingested. In any event.......

Glad you're back. Blogland does need you now. MORE THAN EVER.

Marissa said...

Yay, you're back! Gosh, just when I was getting used to my morning routine of pulling up your blog, sighing with disappointment, and summoning the will to go on with my life and wait another day for the new post.

And TODAY was the day!!

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Awesome, glad you're back! And now I'm curious as to what that "great idea" is. Do tell!

Shawn said...

Vange: No, I'll stick around and post for a month or two at least.

Foxy: Yeah, a ruined idea is like a yellow snowflake. You just...don't even want to go there.

Marissa: Yes! The prophecy has been fulfilled.

Chris: I must never utter it. Rare birds have died!

Jeff said...

I got it! THIS post was "The Idea," right? Disappearing for a long time was the perfect setup. Pure genius.

Glad you're back.

Shawn said...

Jeff: No! Nuh-uhhh. There's a real idea.

Eric said...

Hah, back in my day, grapes were so tough they were actually raisins, and we called the raisins something else, and when that something else petrified and inexplicably changed to grain, we called em 'nuts'.

Cassie said...

Clearly you have a difficult task. I wish you luck. I mean...it's hard to compete with Sarah Palin's popularity...because she's so cool and stuff.

Shawn said...

Eric: This information should be widely spread and disseminated! I encourage you to edit Wikipedia this instant.

Cassie: I am up for the challenge. For a while.

The Stabbing Pen said...

Good to have you back in da blogworld, I'll be sure to add a link your page on mine!

Shawn said...

Stabbing: Thank you sir.

Insana D said...

Accidentally found your blog while looking for an image for blatant child abuse. Well Gawl Dang!! Yer funny as hell. Hell is funny, especially your version. I loved your attempt at prayer. I wet my panties with that one.

I'm glad I found you but sorry that grape nuts took precedence over writing the perfect blog post. Grape nuts make my jaw tired too. I consider any healthy food like that to be a last resort.

Sorry to hear that your wife expired due to the rickshaw accident and that you went without homemade tacos. Eating Chef Boyardee is probably a sin. There is a repentence process but it involves some very soulful introspection. I don't recommend it for the novice repenter-er types like yourself. Send me five dollars and I'll absolve you, but only one time. After that the price goes up. Salvation ain't free bucko!

Shawn said...

Insana: You found this blog by looking for pictures of child abuse? I mean, some of the entries are weaker than others, but I wouldn't consider any of them child abuse.

Anyway, the five dollars is on its way. I don't see my prayers earning me any sort of redemption.

Insana D said...

Well, not really child abuse, which is relative (pun intended) but a picture of a mom spanking a kid. I was chastizing one of my friends on a discussion board for being rude to a newby and I wanted to offer to give him a spanking. I typed "Mom giving boy spanking" into the google image machine and your website came up. I read that first hilarious essay and became an instant fan. I'm considering trying some of those special abuse techniques you've suggested. It's refreshing to know that there are still parents out there willing to carry out the threat of turning the car around if they don't stop that G-D bickering and quit kicking the back of my G-D seat, fer G-d's sake. I actually say the whole thing, G-O-D D-A-M-N but I didn't want to offend your more refined and sensitive readers with my blatant cussing.