27 May 2010

The Shark Tank's Guide to Interior Design

For centuries, interior design was the exclusive province of the wealthy, the erudite, and the frou-frou. However, with accessible furniture and ornamentation coming down in price every year, having a great looking home is something we call all strive for. Sadly though, unless you were born with the gift of garnishment, you might find proper interior design to be beyond your capabilities. Hiring a professional might be beyond your budget. That's why I'm here to give you some important tips that will take your abode from drab to fab in a heartbeat. Listen up!

Finding the Balance
One of the most important aspects of interior design is to find the right balance between your various ornaments and furniture. A piece of furniture by itself might be especially gaudy or inappropriate on its own, but together with a complementary piece, it could really come alive. The opposite is also true. Don't believe me? Well, maybe you'll believe this: Your parents didn't intend on carrying you to term. It was only when a gypsy told them they could sell you for $100,000 into slavery that they decided to go ahead with it. Fortunately for you, they could never find that gypsy after you were born.

Let's continue with an example of proper balance.

Here we have a nice, plain, red couch. Boring, right? Maybe, but its important to have a few pieces like this so the room doesn't get overwhelmed. Besides, it looks comfortable enough and you can probably find a replica for cheap. Here's the secret. Bookmark the couch with endtables. On one of the endtables, place a lamp. On the other endtable, place this decorative ornament:

That's right, it's an Al Roker cookie jar! All right, maybe it's Louie Armstrong, I don't really know. Whoever he is, he will bring just the right amount of whimsy and warmth into an otherwise dull situation. Why don't you just stretch his head open right there and have a cookie. I think I will. Mmmm, chocolate chip. My favorite!

The Importance of Contrast
Matching a room is not like matching your t-shirts and jean shorts. You have to put a little thought into what colors go with what, and then play around with the concepts. Sure, you can make a whole room a single shade of blue, but don't complain when you go blue-blind and wind up lost and alone, murmuring the word, "periwinkle" over and over again while your children decide what to do with your corpse when you finally die off.

Contrast is like this. Let's say you have a floor that looks something like this:

Simple and elegant, but you're asking for trouble if you introduce a blue rug on top of that. To find the right contrast, you have to go to the color wheel. Directly across from blue is "lion face". Perfect! I know just the rug!

Not only does this rug contrast beautifully with the floor, it lets your guests know that you're a person who appreciates wild animals and might even have a bit of a wild streak yourself, if you know what I mean. Eh? Eh?? Don't you just kind of want to brush that lion's teeth for him? Come here, lion, let me get those back molars, you saucy cat.

Comfort is Paramount
A lot of people make the mistake of thinking style should come before comfort when decorating their homes. This is not true. After all, you have to live there, right? Shouldn't you be able to relax in your own home? I guess you think style should be paramount when decorating your house. Perhaps you'll wonder where that line of thinking got you when you're sashaying down a secluded alleyway, your pants missing, and a Bratz doll stuck in your lower colon.

Let's take this chair for an easy example.

Just look at that thing. Oh sure, it looks like a million bucks, but how long do you think you could sit on it before you started to get butt-leprosy? Probably not for very long, if my days as an amateur doctor gave me any indication. On the other hand, take this chair:

Sure, it's a little silly to have a dinosaur chair in your primary living room, but what of it? Oh, are dinosaurs just for little kids now? The pteradon, one of the most popular flying dinosaurs of the late Cretaceous, was actually known for his skills in interior design. This way, you can not only watch television in comfort, you can pay tribute to one of the pioneers of decoration at the same time. Plus, look at that spiny dinosaur just where your left knee would go. Doesn't that kind of put you in the mood for peanut brittle. Man, I love peanut brittle.

Selling Your Home
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Sometimes you'll make such a disaster out of your interior design, you'll have no choice but to simply sell your house and start fresh. I've moved 39 times in my adult life for that very reason and I'm about to do it again. My best advice: use Craig's List.


Eric said...

The Jurassic Park film would have been so much more entertaining if they had included that dinosaur chair.

I hear that it will be partly cloudy today with a 40% chance of cookies.

Quirkyloon said...


PETA would love you!

You made me realize something. I need more whimsy in my life.

Gotta go!

Agnes said...

Oh I am learning so much from you!!

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Thanks for the tips. Now, what color area rug should I use with my leopard print wall paper?

Shawn said...

Eric: Cookies from the sky?! What am I doing inside?

Quirky: If anything, you need less whimsy.

Agnes: I didn't win the coveted educational blog award for nothing.

Chris: Directly across from leopard print on the color wheel: "Splattered toothpaste". So, you know what you have to do.

Gorilla Bananas said...

That stylish chair may put stripes on your butt-cheeks, but at least there are gaps for your farts to escape. The dinosaur chair is a butt-plug.

vange said...

You have a few issues. They manifest in a fun way, so score!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I wasn't quite sure what to say until I read Gorilla's comment.

He makes a valid point.

Shawn said...

Gorilla: That may be true, but how much flatulence can there be on a strict bananas and shoots? Maybe a lot.

Vange: This is quality information, what are you talking about?

Candy: I suppose I should have added a "Furniture for Farting" section, but I didn't realize there was such a demand.

Cassie said...

I was thinking more of butt-herpes, rather than leprosy. Or gangrene. Or just a total numbness of the ass.

Eitherway, that carpet is TO DIE FOR.

Shawn said...

Cassie: You may be right. Anyway, don't try that rug on anything but a blue floor. It will just look menacing.

Cassie said...

Very true...so very true.

Vodka and Ground Beef said...

Where can I get that Al Roker jar?