31 May 2010

Monday Movie Reviews

The Nightmare Before Christmas (2010)
This unnecessary remake follows the original almost beat for beat, but suffers by using terrible CGI and entirely too many instances of the word, "bushwhacked". The plot is much the same, following the adventures of beleaguered champion of Halloween Jack Skellington as he terrorizes the teenagers of Springwood, Ohio by appearing in their dreams. The movie is mostly inoffensive until the bizarre third act when (SPOILER ALERT) it is revealed that the happenings of the film are set in the reality of "Dateline NBC". Best viewed at night with someone who doesn't have long to live. Starring Hippopotamus Johnson and The Three Stooges. 9 stars out of a possible 3,211.

Gladiator (1992)
A charming tale of love and longing set against the background of the 1986 Challenger disaster. Russell Crowe stars as an airline pilot named Maximus whose dream it is to one day go aboard a space shuttle. His dreams are shattered when the disaster happens and he is forced to fight for his own job when an airline stewardess accuses him of masturbating in the cockpit. Starring Russell Crowe and Meredith Baxter Birney. 44 stars out of a possible 50.

Space Jam (1921)
One of the earliest successful combinations of animation and live action, Space Jam tells the story of a young scientist obsessed with becoming the next emperor of the galaxy. With a little help from his animated friends Shoebox Forrester and his sidekick The Ice Train, he learns that power isn't everything, but friendship is. Starring Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln. 8 stars out of a possible 13.


Gorilla Bananas said...

I'd love to hear some of the quickfire dialogue between Lincoln and Jordan.

Lincoln: You are a worthy negro and a fine exemplar for your race. I will endeavor with all my heart to secure your liberty.

Jordan: That's great Abe, but never be afraid to fail. I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career and it didn't stop me succeeding. Take off your hat before the tip-off.

Anonymous said...


I'm afraid that Space Jam 2011 will be the only REAL championship the Phoenix Suns will ever win. Starring Steve Nash and his flexible, breaking nose.

Yes, I'm still bitter.

Marissa said...

6'4 Lincoln and Jordan would be unstoppable on the same team. But man that beard would be Niagara Falls-sweaty, kinda like Pau Gasol's mane.

Eric said...


- Russel Crowe as 'Maximus'

Shawn said...

Gorilla: It was this type of dialogue that made the movie so inspirational.

Quirky: Perhaps. I'll defer to your basketball knowledge. The only sport I watch is competitive eating.

Marissa: Pau Gasol? Is he an obscure Spanish painter? I hardly know anyone from the Baroque period.

Eric: I teared up. I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

That second picture looks to be familiar...wasn't he starring in a made for TV movie with Lindsey Lohan??

vange said...

I've never seen any of those movies!

Shawn said...

Candy: Yes, that's Bartholomew Ford who played an air traffic controller in Gladiator. And yes, I believe he starred in the ABC Family film Labor Pains with Lindsay Lohan.

Vange: Well, what are you waiting for? Hit up your video store tonight. Or whatever has replaced the video store in your life.