Ridiculously Expensive eBay Auctions

Perusing eBay in preparation for my previous blog, I happened to come across some users who were apparently a little more ambitious than my Masked Merchant alter-ego. Not settling for selling an old Nintendo game for a shiny penny, these users seem perfectly confident selling their wares for millions of dollars. Now, far be it from me to tell these users that their junk isn't worth what they're asking (a glance at completed auctions tells me that the market is doing that job for me), but ... well, let's just take a look.

First on the auction block is this handsome Turkish rug. Now, I have to admit that, as well traveled as I am (I once went as far north as Rochester, NY) I am not an expert in the ways of the Far East. For all I know, this is a perfectly acceptable price for this rug. My only question is whether this particular auction, on this particular website, is the best way to go about getting the full price for this precious artifact.

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21 million dollars is the Buy It Now price. However, judging from the seller's insistence that the price is "inestimable", and this little nugget:

. . .I imagine he would consider any less of an offer to be an insult. I thought about submitting a bid, but it turns out that Turkish rugs are expected to depreciate in the coming fiscal year. Looks like Mr. Pinkerton, the bearskin rug, will be sticking around a while longer.

Next up is a priceless piece of art from someone calling themselves "Chris Riggs for President".

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According to the auction listing, Chris Riggs (for President) is the hottest artist in New York City. Figuring this must be true for what he is charging for his work, I did a simple Google search to find out more about this new Bohemian. After wading through the listings, it seems that most--nay, all--of the websites pertaining to this gentleman are of his own origin (Facebook, personal pages, etc.). It would seem to me that the hottest artist of our time would have at least one or two outside sources regaling us with his story. The listing further claims that he has been featured in over 100 magazines and 20 independent movies. I'm not sure how to verify the magazine claim, but IMDB tells us that he has been in exactly one independent movie: something called The Promise of New York. The movie's synopsis tells us that it is about several nobodies running for Mayor of New York. Well, at least that explains the username. His over-ambition is not limited to his artwork.

Coming in at a comparatively reasonable $990,000 is this:

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That's right, folks, you can own a fork that was used by Elvis Presley (maybe?). The seller even promises that there remains some dried food on the fork. So, for your million dollars you can either buy a house comparable to this:

Or a crusty fork, exactly like this:

Decisions, decisions. . .


While you're thinking about it, take a glance at our final listing of the day, which defies description. Apparently the seller felt the same way:

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No picture is provided of the teddy bear, but the seller is gracious enough to give us this story about how the bear happened to come into her possession:

This is just a white regular Teddy Bear that I have owned for the past year. There is just something special about it. It was handed over to me by this lady at the park. I purchased it from her because she needed money to do something. She told me to sell it to someone else when I also need money. This is just a simple regular looking bear.

I'm bringing my mask out of retirement.

The eBay Blues

My experience selling on the auction giant eBay has been less than prosperous. About two years ago, in another of my genius ideas regarding how to get rich on the Internet (and elsewhere), I decided that I would begin selling old things around the house, buying items at yard sales, and put it all together with a fantastic gimmick to make a million dollars (more or less). The gimmick I had. I would become the "Masked Merchant". I would include a photograph of myself, my head encased in a bedsheet, holding the item up for bidding.

Trusted Seller

As displayed in the photograph, I chose an old Nintendo 64 game, Starfox, as my first item for sale. I figured it wouldn't bring much because A) Nintendo 64 games are not in particularly high demand these days and B) Starfox sucks. But it would be a decent learning experience, and I felt confident that my Masked Merchant gimmick would see me net a profit of at least $10. On this score, I was proven horrendously wrong. My Starfox 64 game sold for the whopping price of .01 after 7 long days of bidding. I had built shipping into the cost, so I wouldn't be out any money, but it wasn't exactly worth my time to sell my estate for a penny at a time.

Believing the fault lied in the merchandise, I made it a point to get up early the following Saturday and make the rounds of the local yard sales. Surely it was only a matter of finding some hidden gems, some precious artifact being sold for a dollar by a clueless housewife, to send me from (head) rags to riches. When I happened upon some cheap Beanie Babies, I knew I had hit the jackpot. I knew about these things. People were crazy about these things! I would make a fortune, and retire off the interest my millions made in a secure bank account. Combined with my masked merchant gimmick, I would not only make a crapton of money, I would become an instant Internet celebrity. I could see it now: spots on the Today Show with Matt Lauer, my own column in Consumer Reports, and a permanent place commenting on the week's stories on VH1's Best Week Ever.

Pictured: Likely Scenario

What I failed to realize was that the Beanie Baby fad had long since come and gone. I had paid approximately $3 for each of the Beanie Babies, and failed to recoup this investment on eBay. The Today Show did not call. I decided that eBay was not my path to living the good life. The dream is not over, though. I know some fool out there is selling a mint condition Furby, unaware of its true value. I just have to wait. . .and strike at the right time.