The eBay Blues

My experience selling on the auction giant eBay has been less than prosperous. About two years ago, in another of my genius ideas regarding how to get rich on the Internet (and elsewhere), I decided that I would begin selling old things around the house, buying items at yard sales, and put it all together with a fantastic gimmick to make a million dollars (more or less). The gimmick I had. I would become the "Masked Merchant". I would include a photograph of myself, my head encased in a bedsheet, holding the item up for bidding.

Trusted Seller

As displayed in the photograph, I chose an old Nintendo 64 game, Starfox, as my first item for sale. I figured it wouldn't bring much because A) Nintendo 64 games are not in particularly high demand these days and B) Starfox sucks. But it would be a decent learning experience, and I felt confident that my Masked Merchant gimmick would see me net a profit of at least $10. On this score, I was proven horrendously wrong. My Starfox 64 game sold for the whopping price of .01 after 7 long days of bidding. I had built shipping into the cost, so I wouldn't be out any money, but it wasn't exactly worth my time to sell my estate for a penny at a time.

Believing the fault lied in the merchandise, I made it a point to get up early the following Saturday and make the rounds of the local yard sales. Surely it was only a matter of finding some hidden gems, some precious artifact being sold for a dollar by a clueless housewife, to send me from (head) rags to riches. When I happened upon some cheap Beanie Babies, I knew I had hit the jackpot. I knew about these things. People were crazy about these things! I would make a fortune, and retire off the interest my millions made in a secure bank account. Combined with my masked merchant gimmick, I would not only make a crapton of money, I would become an instant Internet celebrity. I could see it now: spots on the Today Show with Matt Lauer, my own column in Consumer Reports, and a permanent place commenting on the week's stories on VH1's Best Week Ever.

Pictured: Likely Scenario

What I failed to realize was that the Beanie Baby fad had long since come and gone. I had paid approximately $3 for each of the Beanie Babies, and failed to recoup this investment on eBay. The Today Show did not call. I decided that eBay was not my path to living the good life. The dream is not over, though. I know some fool out there is selling a mint condition Furby, unaware of its true value. I just have to wait. . .and strike at the right time.

Challenge the Akinator

The Internet is a wonderful thing. At the touch of a button you can find out just enough about a subject to make you sound like you know what you're talking about, connect with friends you just saw a few minutes ago, express your ill-informed opinion on angry message boards, and watch "hilarious video" after video on Youtube. But even with all of these options, boredom has a way of creeping in and stealing over you just when you least expect it. When this happens, the Internet can also come to the rescue! Give yourself over to its cold, technological touch and meet the Akinator and Songtapper.

The Akinator is a website based on the old game "20 Questions", which is the type of game people played on long car rides before the dawn of the Nintendo DS. Akinator comes to us in the form of a genie, and even sports his own backstory, for those who need to know more about his origins. I'm not entirely sure about the Akinator's real life country of origin (Israel? France?), but a small language barrier and the unfortunate "user-input" feature of the site sometimes leads to some unintentionally hilarious questions. Even for all that, however, the Akinator is usually right, as long as A) you stay away from using actors as your question fodder (Akinator does much better with fictitious characters/historical figures) and B) actually know what you're talking about when you answer his questions. Don't blame the genie when you throw up John Stamos and he guesses David Duchovny because you think Duchovny is primarily a "comedic" actor, in other words. Also, I just told you to stay away from using actors!

The other site is Songtapper. There's no backstory here, and no amusing genie, but the Songtapper is good for at least a few minutes of diversion. You use your keyboard to tap out the beat of a song, and the program will throw out some likely candidates for the title. It's not as accurate as the Akinator and I found it difficult to determine exactly which part of the song I should be tapping (drum beat, guitar, vocals?). Still, if you need something to do in between refreshing your MySpace inbox, this will do the job.

The Flat Earth Society

There are a few things you can count on as you go through your life. 2 + 2 will always equal 4, the Cubs are not going to win the World Series, and the fall TV schedule will bring another slew of irresistibly stupid reality shows. But above all these, we know when we walk along our city streets, play our Xbox 360s, and eat at our favorite restaurants, we are doing so within the confines of a round planet Earth. This is what is considered "common knowledge" by those of us who have been educated beyond Kindergarten. While not everything we learned in elementary school was accurate (for instance, the world--particularly sailors--had long accepted the Earth's roundness by the time Christopher Columbus came along), I'm going to go out on a limb--just this once--and say that I believe without a shadow of doubt that the Earth is indeed spherical in nature.

There are those who would disagree.

Meet the Flat Earth Society. At first glance, the site, which consists of nothing more than a message board, seems as though it has to be the product of someone's very dry sense of humor. I read entry after entry, convinced this must be the case. My friends, after long and thoughtful pursuit of this topic, I am no longer convinced. These people--these sad, sad people--actually believe the Earth is flat. As I read through the "literature" and "arguments" presented on the site, I felt a strange mixture of head-shaking-bewilderment and nervous glee. I don't think I have to explain the former. The latter I felt because I think I may have finally come across a site that fulfills a lifelong ambition of mine: to find the dumbest people on the Internet. I thought this mission was already fulfilled after studying the individuals who post comments on Youtube, but this had to take the cake.

In case you're reading this, scratching your head, and asking "How? How could they believe such a thing?", I shall take the liberty of reproducing some select choices from their FAQ. All your answers are inside. Delightful from the very start, the author of the FAQ informs us that he created this list after the society realized that for someone coming from a "round earth" background, the Flat Earth theory would appear to have some holes. Well, you have to give them credit for at least a modicum of self awareness. Here are some of the Flat Earth's Society's most frequently asked questions:

Q: "Why do you guys believe the Earth is flat?"

A: Well, it looks that way up close. In our local frame of reference, it appears to take a flat shape, ignoring obvious hills and valleys. Also, Samuel Rowbotham et al. performed a variety of experiments over a period of several years that show it must be flat. They are all explained in his book, which is linked at the top of this article.

This is perhaps the most enlightening thing a prospective reader will take from the site. Indeed, "Well, it looks that way up close" is the primary basis for the Flat Earth Society's belief in their doctrine. The book they mentioned was published in 1881 and, while we had made some important scientific and technological discoveries by that time, let's just say that we've learned a lot since then. Well, some of us.

Q: "Why do the all the world governments say the Earth is round?"

A: There exists a conspiracy among world governments claiming to have space programs and has disseminated the lie to the other governments, the media and the general public. The conspiracy hides the Earth's true shape from us for unknown objectives.

Rii-ight.

Q: "What about NASA? Don't they have photos to prove that the Earth is round?"

A: NASA is part of the conspiracy too. The photos can be faked using simple imaging software.

Do you see how close to the satirical line they travel?

Q: "If you're not sure about the motive, why do you say there is a conspiracy?"

A: Well it's quite simple really; if the earth is in fact flat, then the governments must be lying when they say it isn't.

Folks, there's no arguing with logic like that.