We don’t get much in the way of leaf-changing in my part of the Sunshine State, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the fall. Average temperatures dropped from what felt like 1,000 degrees to a more manageable mid-80s this week, and I knew it was time to head down to my local Starbucks and get my annual Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino. Let the joy of the season flow!
Actually going into Starbucks these days is like going into a weird, vacant crime scene filled with odd rope lines, bizarre directional arrows on the floor, and the pervasive fear that you’re going to do something wrong and accidentally NOT social distance properly. Therefore, I opted for the drive-thru, quite unaware that I was making the worst mistake of my day.
When I got to the window, the girl inside said that it would be a few minutes. “Would you like to answer our Question of the Day while you wait?”
Now, I thought it would be rude to just say “no” and continue staring straight ahead into the mid-afternoon traffic, so I consented to play her game. I would have chosen differently, however, if I’d known what I was getting myself into. See, I was expecting a simple 50/50 opinion type of question. Something like:
“Do you prefer Coke or Pepsi?”
or
“Who do you like more, Taylor Swift or Katy Perry?”
or
“Do you use soap, or do you just rub yourself with wet gravel in the shower?”
Instead, she came at me with this: “If a genie suddenly appeared before you and said he would grant you a single wish, what would you wish for?”
Oh dear god. I have to actually think of something clever to say? In an unexpected, forced-upon-me social situation? This was not good. I know that most people could easily handle this scenario, but for me, this is the equivalent of a “you’re in school wearing nothing but your underwear,” code 5, red alert, BAD TIME.
My heart beating double-time in my chest, I thought of two possible responses:
1. “I would ask the genie for more wishes.” Unfortunately, I was pretty sure that Mr. Belvedere was still on television the last time that was a halfway-clever answer.
2. Just stomp the gas and come back later (in disguise, of course), at which point I could just say NO when asked if I wanted to play this game.
Instead, I maintained enough composure to mumble something about “a million dollars.” At least this horrible episode in Conversations With Strangers was over.
But it wasn’t.
“Oh, and what would you do with a million dollars?” the girl asked.
I began to wish I was somewhere - anywhere - else. Lying on a tropical beach, perhaps. Relaxing on my cozy back porch. Sitting in a musty grave, chewing on a moist bone.
“Oh, I don’t know,” I said, casting about in my utterly blank, horrified mind for a coherent answer. “I guess I would retire.”
Cool. So cool. I should have said, “I would buy exactly three more of these Frappuccinos,” but that answer didn’t occur to me until hours later. And even now, I’m not sure if it’s as clever as I think it is, so maybe it’s for the best.
“Well,” the girl said, “maybe you should play the lottery or something. You might win!”
At long last my drink appeared at the window. So grateful I was to be free of the prison of this conversation, I made the mistake of turning the tables: “So, what would you ask the genie for?”
She was ready. “I would ask for all the knowledge of the perceivable and unperceivable universe, with which I could help everyone in the world to be happy!” she said.
Wow. Had that one cocked and loaded, didn’t you? Now I not only get to feel like a bumbling, frantic fool in the Starbucks line, I get to feel like a small, selfish fool as well!
Oh well, at least the Frappuccino was good.
Join us on the next episode of The Shark Tank, where the checkout girl at Target says, “Did you find everything you were looking for?” and I say, “Fine,” and then I ruminate about it for the next seven years.
