Monday Movie Reviews

The Nightmare Before Christmas (2010)
This unnecessary remake follows the original almost beat for beat, but suffers by using terrible CGI and entirely too many instances of the word, "bushwhacked". The plot is much the same, following the adventures of beleaguered champion of Halloween Jack Skellington as he terrorizes the teenagers of Springwood, Ohio by appearing in their dreams. The movie is mostly inoffensive until the bizarre third act when (SPOILER ALERT) it is revealed that the happenings of the film are set in the reality of "Dateline NBC". Best viewed at night with someone who doesn't have long to live. Starring Hippopotamus Johnson and The Three Stooges. 9 stars out of a possible 3,211.




Gladiator (1992)
A charming tale of love and longing set against the background of the 1986 Challenger disaster. Russell Crowe stars as an airline pilot named Maximus whose dream it is to one day go aboard a space shuttle. His dreams are shattered when the disaster happens and he is forced to fight for his own job when an airline stewardess accuses him of masturbating in the cockpit. Starring Russell Crowe and Meredith Baxter Birney. 44 stars out of a possible 50.




Space Jam (1921)
One of the earliest successful combinations of animation and live action, Space Jam tells the story of a young scientist obsessed with becoming the next emperor of the galaxy. With a little help from his animated friends Shoebox Forrester and his sidekick The Ice Train, he learns that power isn't everything, but friendship is. Starring Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln. 8 stars out of a possible 13.

Monday Movie Reviews

Back To The Future (1973)
The strange tale of a boy named Marty McFly and his attempt to make the world's first solar powered train. There's a lot I could say about this movie. The soundtrack, featuring such hits as "Locomotion" by Kylie Minogue and "Footloose" by Kenny Loggins is commendable and will have you dancing in your seat. The first time I saw this movie I was perplexed by the subplot, involving Doc Brown's insidious machinations to create life from a pinecone, but now I see it as a metaphor for the evils of corporate greed. This one was definitely ahead of its time. Starring Crispin Glover and Weird Al Yankovic. 4 stars from a possible 29.


Rocky (1921)
Rocky Balboa, a down on his luck boxer, has his life transformed when he discovers the healing properties of acupuncture and finds a strange sort of love with a homeless porcupine. Though not for all tastes, Rocky blends fantasy and reality in an exuberant stew, topped off with a dash of melancholy when the porcupine strikes it rich and leaves his friend to fend for himself. Starring Sylvester Stallone and Angelina Jolie. 9 stars from a possible 11.


Mary Poppins (2003)
An inner city school teacher is thrown in prison after raping a student with an umbrella. In this supposedly heartwarming tale, both teacher and student find themselves lost in a justice system that is both racist and too convoluted to care about the little guy. I found myself unable to connect with the characters in this film, particularly in light of the superior Glengarry Glen Ross, which came out the same year and tackled similar themes. As of this writing, Mary Poppins is sealed in the Disney vault. Starring Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake and Willem Dafoe. 66 stars from a possible 2,321.