I was reading an interesting story the other day about a mom who had given her son up for adoption at the age of 7 because the kid would not listen to her or do anything she told him to do. Wash the dishes, no. Clean up your room, nuh uh. Go to bed at a decent hour, not gonna happen. What happened next was especially sad, as the boy was adopted by an unsavory religious cult in the Everglades and was soon eaten by an alligator as part of a bizarre ceremony. Even sadder, the alligator turned out to be allergic to brat, and died subsequently. Adding to the misfortune, the alligator's rotting corpse polluted a small section of the swamp, causing myriad wildlife to die or relocate.Okay, I'm not sure if I really read that story somewhere or I dreamed it, but the point remains the same. Many parents are unable to get their kids to listen, and the results can be horrifying. As the Shark Tank is due for a judicial review next week, I thought it would be nice to once again give freely of my wise advice. Here, for struggling parents everywhere, are my top ten punishments to dole out to misbehaving children, so that they may avoid causing a minor ecological disaster in the future.
#10: Refuse to allow the child to wear his or her seatbelt for a three week period.
#9: Take away Playstation 3. Replace with Atari 2600.
#8: For teenagers: Drop child off in front of school each day for a week. Make big production out of kissing and hugging them before letting them go inside.
#7: For small child: Read them the classic children's book, The Invisible Bees Who Are Everywhere. Do not alert them to its fictional nature.
#6: Gently remind them that they are the reason Dad left.
#5: Threaten to pull car over.
#4: Friend them on Facebook. Immediately post brutally honest 25 Things About Me meme.
#3: Continue regimen of haphazard, rage-driven corporal punishment.
#2: Write a starkly inappropriate love note to his teacher, signed with his name. Instruct child to give to teacher.
#1: Pay neighborhood bully $5 to teach em a lesson.
Nice. BTW you wouldn't get much of a bully for five bucks. They are much more expensive these days.
ReplyDeleteI heard this....yeah I heard or read this somewhere. heh heh
Addendum to #8. Sing and dance around your teenager's friends. Throw in some 80's moves!
ReplyDeleteYou can punish me by gifting me with an Atari anytime. I'll misbehave on porpoise fer that. I never shoulda sold mine on Craigslist.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Invisible bees are no laughing matter, Shawn.
That's why my nephews won't accept my brothers Facebook friend request.
ReplyDeleteI hope to remember all these tips for when I have kids. I'm sure they will be well-adjusted in every way possible :)
ReplyDeleteQuirky: Oh yeah? Where? That's what I thought...shameful.
ReplyDeleteMarissa: Definitely. Try to breakdance.
Heather: That's why there's the wonderful world of emulation.
Bearman: They are wise.
brookeamanda: Better than selling them to a cult.
Put this in book form and you're destined for Oprah. Just don't forget us little people. (Not midgets.)
ReplyDeleteExcellent ideas!! Maybe these will work and I will stop having to give my kids away!
ReplyDeleteI want the Atari. I didn't know we could give up kids for adoption after the warranty expired/when the cute baby smell wears off or which ever comes first. This is nice to know. Sorry about the alligator though.
ReplyDeleteI can't stop laughing! I;m gonna have to try those techniques on my daughter(13) and son(9). This was great.
ReplyDeletePlease tell me you have at least 12 children! lol There needs to be more parents who are able to make their kids listen, and not let them be so free and bratty.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant list! I bet you have the best behaved kids on the block.
ReplyDeleteSo do I.
Jeff: So true. I won't forget the midgets either, though.
ReplyDeleteKirsten: You'll have to let us know.
Jen: Yeah, just do a basic background check on the adopters.
George: Thanks, and yeah, put these right to work!
Chica: (Un)fortuneately no, I don't. That's why I have time to tell other parents how to do it.
Candice: Ha! I bet.
Nice Post. Very Funny
ReplyDeleteSadly, it's much easier for parents to just run their kid to the doctor and get them diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (the subject of an upcoming Maugeritaville post, coming soon to an Internet near you).
ReplyDeleteI'm never above a shameless plug here and there.
Chris
cdmauger.blogspot.com
#9 - I think I still have a PONG unit stuffed in a closet somewhere. Next time my grandson visits and gets out of line...well, replacing Wii with PONG will kill him. Muwhahahaha
ReplyDeleteHilarious! Where can I get that bee book?
ReplyDeleteThere's something vaguely Roald Dahl-ish about this whole thing, but I can't QUITE put my finger on it. :)
ReplyDeleteFunny Vids: That's a weird name. You should start a site with...oh.
ReplyDeleteChris: Will you please name the post, "Ya down with ODD? (yeah you know me)"?
Me-me King: PONG! Wow, that would have sufficed as a punishment for me as a kid.
Vic: If it's available, I'm sure it's on Amazon, with everything else in the known world.
Jenn: No, no. These punishments are a kindness, really.
Try taking away the tv remote control for a week...WOW, THAT gets a response or a hundred...
ReplyDeleteAhh yes, the old "hit the breaks and let 'em bump their head on the dashboard" gag. I've been the victim of that one for than a few times.
ReplyDeleteStill haven't forgiven my father till this very day! It's almost time to put him in a cheap retirement home anyway...
And I would pay $100 bucks and ask the meanest bully to beat the crap out of the brat.
ReplyDeletedefinitely has the makings of a post modern classic children's book. Think Grimm! I'm pretty sure I've had that exact same dream (or heard exact story) except it was a 7 yr old girl and an evil fang bearing kangaroo.
ReplyDeleteyou mean they're supposed to wear seat belts all the time?
ReplyDeleteHa! Make sure you're drunk when their friends come over.
ReplyDeleteLove it!
We send our kids to the Roman Catholic Nuns - they still kick ass!
ReplyDeleteWinky: That's going too far. I may have to call child services.
ReplyDeleteC.B.: Yes, the ultimate revenge for put upon children. Do remember that when enacting these punishments.
Carl: $100! That seems excessive, even accounting for inflation.
Margo: Yeah, that was definitely a news story. I remember it too.
IHC: Apparently. *rolls eyes*
Reforming: Yes, and break out the karaoke machine.
Haley: Now THAT'S the way you do it.
#2 happened to me on more than one occasion. now i dont feel as good about it.
ReplyDelete....unrelatedly (yeah, it's a word)...i hate when people use then instead of than and vice versa.
....also...i hate visa versa.
Great ideas all. My sis-in-law used to tell my nephew that there were lobsters under his bed and they would pinch him if he got up from his nap too early. Who knew lobsters could tell time?
ReplyDeleteI've tried all those...they didn't work. So I'm off to buy a couple of alligators now. Thanks!!
ReplyDelete#11. Make the child try to teach his mother how to use a vcr!
ReplyDeleteFinally, a list we can all agree on. Well done, good sir.
ReplyDeleteJersey: I'm sure those were actually written by the children. And I have trouble with then/than sometimes.
ReplyDeleteDave: The ancients used to line up their pincers with the sun. I think that's true.
Thinkin: Well, the alligators will certainly finish the job.
Otin: That would be punishment for both child and mother, I have a feeling.
Alan: Thank you, Alan. After all, it takes a village.
Uh-oh. I did not realize I was punishing my kids. I thought they liked my hugs in front of school every morning..
ReplyDeleteAtari 2600 is not punishment, especially if they're playing Pitfall.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to disagree with 'Dalton' - enforcing the use of an Atari in this day and age has got to be against the Human Rights Declaration by the UN.
ReplyDeleteSuch parental is bound to cause mental issues and possibly an emotional breakdown - which the kid probably deserves.
Nice list. Will send to my friends who need parenting advice.
#2 is the best. OMG I am so filing that away! Found you through Dani's blog.
ReplyDeletePhillipia: They very well may have. If anyone else has this issue, move quickly on to the next punishment.
ReplyDeleteDalton: Today's kids wouldn't play Pitfall for ten seconds. Now me, yeah, I'll play all day long.
Chris: Exactly. Even kids who grew up with the NES as their first system turn their nose up at the Atari. Much less those who started with the 360.
Lauren: Yeah, #2 will get them every time.
LLOL!!!! You won't believe this, but I actually have used the punishment on my boys where I drop them off at school while breaking EVERY rule in their book: I arrive with rock music blasting as loudly as possible, dancing to it in the car. I wear my PJs. I get out of the car when we arrive at the curb at school, help them get their backpacks out, hug and kiss them both (this is challenging with such resistance), and loudly yell: "I LOVE YOU, POOKERS!"
ReplyDeleteI seriously have done this, and threatening to do it again is very good incentive for excellent behavior, indeed. There's always bribery, too. I went up to my 13-year-old's room this morning, ready to yell at him for leaving his fan on again and ready to threaten to take AWAY the fan; however, I was so delighted when I walked into his room to see that his bed was made that I ran downstairs, thanked him for making his bed, and proclaimed that he shall have a Dairy queen blizzard after school. The 10-year-old, upon hearing this, ran upstairs to make his bed, too...
Yes!!! I dig this. But with today's economy, bullies will probably demand a minimum of $10. $20 if you want blood drawn.
ReplyDeleteI thought alligators were supposed to provide you with a list of allergies before they eat you.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't get any better, or should I say worse, than #6.
ReplyDeleteI love driving to the store in my pj's and curlers, toss in some pouty kids, and my night is made!! I've also driven their lunch to school after they forgot it for the 80th time, and made sure I left plenty of kisses in red lipstick all over faces.. But I'm just cruel like that..
ReplyDeleteWhat do you mean you're up for judicial review? For what?
ReplyDelete#6 - Add, and because now you're a single mother, you won't be able to find a decent man.
Funnyrunner: Yeah, I very much believe that. And I would clean my room for a Blizzard, too.
ReplyDeleteStabbing: I guess I'll take your word for it. I had no idea bullies were in such high demand these days.
Beau: They're supposed to, but the alligators around here think they're above the law.
FTU: That should be reserved for the harshest of cases.
Nipsy: A forgotten lunch is definitely worth a few public kisses.
Tina: Possibly, but one good thing about single mothers: they always have good snacks in the house.
I am TOTALLY using #8 as soon as I can. YOU are brilliant and should be on Oprah or maybe just Jerry Springer. But still.
ReplyDeleteWe're tired of being villified.
ReplyDeleteOmg, I loved it.
ReplyDeleteDo you babysit?
What's Pitfall? Sounds like something I gotta have.
ReplyDeleteWendy: It's great isn't it...and I know...and yes, yes I should...and---hey!!
ReplyDeleteInvisible Bees: Kids don't like you. It's just a fact. You should stop being so hurt-y and invisible-y.
Amy: Not for any amount of money. :)
Kathy: You don't know Pitfall? It's only the premier Atari game. The thrilling adventures of Pitfall Harry--intrepid explorer--as he runs sideways through screen after screen, jumping over rolling logs, swinging over small ponds, and collecting gold bars. A true classic.
and let's not forget jumping on gators' heads.
ReplyDeleteYou forgot
ReplyDeleteCough on them and then go "oink"
That outta scare em. Oh wait, first make them watch all the stupid overblown flu coverage on CNN first...
Beau: Grrr, that's the part that always got me.
ReplyDeleteMaureen: The first idea is good and funny. The second is child abuse.
Shawn, would you please stop writing this kind of claptrap? It takes way too long to get to the part where I can drop my precious gems. Jeez! The only absolutely fool proof guaranteed way to get them to listen is to not have the little shits in the first place. But if you are foolish enough to do so, the hugging and kissing in front of friends is the top on my list.
ReplyDeletewhere were you when I was raising my kids? I sure could have used this list!
ReplyDeletewhatre you doin' in there?
ReplyDeleteThanks, now I have the "invisible bee" sweats.
ReplyDelete#12: Lock them in the bathroom with Dad when he trots down there with a rolled-up newspaper. Ignore the screams of horror. Also advised to keep a predetermined distance from the door. You don't want to be punished too.
Ettarose: Claptrap! You'll wait your turn and you'll LIKE it! And no, I'm not foolish enough to go there. I hope.
ReplyDeleteDizz: Well, at least we can help the next generation.
Jersey: The comments section is not chat. You're going to get banned.
Rockstar: Oosh! That could definitely set some kids straight. They might develop a complex about the bathroom, but hey, to make an omelet...
It's unfortunate how that 7 year old brat casued the butterfly effect with the gator and the swamp. Its effect is still reverberating somewhere, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite tip is not letting the kid use the seatbelt. It's like a lottery where if you win, you don't have to pay for college.
I don't have kids but I wonder if any of these would work on our Pitt-bull Fluffy?
ReplyDeleteKathcom: Very insightful! Not paying for college would make another excellent punishment, too. Consider that #11.
ReplyDeleteSurveygirl: Probably. Pitbulls love their Playstation, from what I understand.
this is awful! how on earth could you tell a child that they are the reason that dad left? that it just awful and i dont understand how you could live with yourself. also, leaving you child isnt a punishment, it is more like child abuse. would you be proud for getting in a car crash and killing you child? saying,"there, thats your punishment."
ReplyDeletekathcom: how could you say that about children? your kid dying is like winning the lottery?
ReplyDelete