20 April 2009

The Best Baby Shower Gifts EVER!

So I've been invited to my friend Kristen's baby shower. For those not in the know, what I've been invited to has nothing at all to do with cleaning a baby, and everything to do with a bunch of girls getting together and playing games and giving presents to the expecting mother. I'm not sure why I've even been invited. I'm not a girl, and I've been getting suspicious...I dare say, annoyed...glares from some of the other shower attendees. This could be because I'm a guy getting ready to traipse all over a distinctly feminine tradition, or it could be because of what happened at Lanie's birthday party last November. I can't really go into that, but suffice to say it involved a weed wacker, four Twix bars, a baby dolphin, and two concussions.

The invitation I got informs me not only of the shower's time and place, but that the mother is registered at Target. I went to Target yesterday and asked to see their registration book. This apparently does not exist, but they did refer me to a computer where I could see all of the gifts Kristen wants her guests to buy for her. What? Wait a minute. You not only want me to come to your stupid party, but you also want me to buy you a gift, and not only that, you're telling me what gifts to buy? Hmm, okay, not doing it. If I'm buying presents for a baby (which is a retarded concept to begin with), then I'll be deciding what to buy.

I decided right away that I not only wouldn't buy from the registry, but I would buy gifts that would make the other girls at the shower green with envy. I would show them what happens when you invite a guy to a girl party. You get the goods.

Because I knew Target wouldn't have the kinds of lovely, thoughtful gifts I had in mind, I immediately left and came back home. If you can't find a decent baby gift online, then the baby doesn't need it. That's my motto. And sure enough, $300 later, I had enough baby presents to turn this baby shower into a full on baby Jacuzzi.

If you're reading this, Kristen, you may want to stop now, or you'll ruin the surprise...

...

Okay, I warned you. Here's what you're getting on Sunday!

Baby's First Book--10 Things That Fit Right In The Wall Socket!



Ride That Doberman! Baby Saddle.



Tobacco Flavored Pacifiers--with real nicotine!




Soul Eater Doll, now with backwards Hell-speak!



Broken Glass Crib Moat.




I think you'll agree that my gifts will make this baby shower one to remember!
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55 comments:

  1. BearmanApril 20, 2009 at 5:28 PM

    I tend to buy anything a kid over a few months old can bang incessantly so their parents don't invite me to the next one.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownApril 20, 2009 at 5:37 PM

    Those are um quite how you say interesting gifts. Remind me never to get on your bad side

    ReplyDelete
  3. MargoApril 20, 2009 at 5:44 PM

    Kristin is one lucky girl to have such a great friend :) Soul eater doll with hellspeak is quite age appropriate, with that black and white contrast that is just perfect for newborn eyes.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Winky TwinkyApril 20, 2009 at 6:19 PM

    Geez, Shawn.....
    Nice gifts! You left out the hair trigger Oozi...

    ReplyDelete
  5. MarissaApril 20, 2009 at 6:51 PM

    To complete the crib ensemble, Baby will need the hanging musical mobile with the dangling Ginsu knives.

    ReplyDelete
  6. brookeamandaApril 20, 2009 at 7:17 PM

    I'm hosting a baby shower for my friend in a couple of weeks and I'm FOR SURE getting her two or three of these gifts. The other moms-to-be will piss themselves with envy!

    ReplyDelete
  7. ReformingGeekApril 20, 2009 at 7:46 PM

    You forgot the "Bag of Small Objects" for baby to munch on!

    ReplyDelete
  8. PhillipiaApril 20, 2009 at 7:49 PM

    I wish I knew you when I was having showers for my babies...you would have livened things up a bit:)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dog BreathApril 20, 2009 at 7:57 PM

    The best gift is, the gift of surprize!

    Stop by about an hour before the party, Mom will be busy getting the house "just so" and you can sneak in the window and "borrow" the baby.

    Get the baby a Sponge Bob Tattoo and show up to the shower about a half hour late with the baby... SUPRIZE!

    ReplyDelete
  10. AnonymousApril 20, 2009 at 8:49 PM

    Sorry for posting as a "Anon" and not registering, but since you by-passed the registry book, so can I. But then, I got nothing to offer anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  11. ShawnApril 20, 2009 at 9:09 PM

    Bearman: Ah yes, the noise stratagem. Quite popular and effective.

    dizz: Interesting? Bad side? These are great gifts! Any girl would be lucky to have me as their BFF?

    Margo: Thanks! I didn't even know that about newborn eyes. Even better.

    Winky: There are a few things hard to come by, even on the Web.

    Marissa: Ah, Ginsu. I wonder if we've reached the point where young people have no idea what that means.

    ReplyDelete
  12. ShawnApril 20, 2009 at 9:13 PM

    Brookeamanda: Your friend will be overjoyed, I know!

    Reforming: Hmm, well there is still time.

    Phillipia: I think I shall soon be known as the King of Baby Showers (provided that title is not already taken).

    Dog Breath: While that is an amazing idea, the baby, unfortunately, isn't born yet. I'll have to save it for the kid's first birthday.

    Anonymous: Your logic cannot be argued with.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Heather CherryApril 20, 2009 at 9:52 PM

    Baby jacuzzi... LOLZ.

    ReplyDelete
  14. ChrisApril 20, 2009 at 10:20 PM

    Haha. A live baby alligator ... PLEASE take a baby alligator too! That would be so much fun.

    ReplyDelete
  15. TinaApril 20, 2009 at 11:59 PM

    Since everyone is getting the baby something, you should get something special for mom. All the girls would think you are soooo sweet. But then you'll probably get invited again.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Dalton J. FoxApril 21, 2009 at 2:22 AM

    I want one of those tobacco-flavored pacifiers for myself. It's like a nipple and a cigarette all in one. Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  17. ChrisApril 21, 2009 at 6:08 AM

    Hahaha @Dalton. Touche.

    ReplyDelete
  18. ShawnApril 21, 2009 at 9:22 AM

    Chris: A baby alligator would make a great party favor. More or less harmless unless you get your finger caught in its mouth.

    Tina: But really, aren't all the present for Mom when it comes down to it?

    Dalton: I know! Perfect for those situations where you can't light up, but still want to engender strange, irritated looks from others.

    ReplyDelete
  19. KirstenApril 21, 2009 at 11:29 AM

    Those are great ideas! Kristen is one lucky lady!
    What I always find to be a fun shower gift is one of those shock collars to keep those little whiners in their crib!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Soda and CandyApril 21, 2009 at 12:13 PM

    Best. Baby Gifts. EVER.

    Love it.

    And I also hate people who register for presents.

    We literally told everyone NOT to give us presents at our wedding because we didn't want anyone to feel like they couldn't come without a present.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Winky TwinkyApril 21, 2009 at 3:54 PM

    Hey Phillipia... be sure to remember the King of Baby Showers when you become a grandma! ....see Shawn, you're gettin plugs already.. yep, I roll like dat ;)

    ReplyDelete
  22. KellyologyApril 21, 2009 at 4:22 PM

    You're ummmm...quite a friend. lol

    ReplyDelete
  23. ShawnApril 21, 2009 at 7:05 PM

    Kirsten: Yes! That's fun for both a baby shower and a regular shower.

    S&C: Then what's the point of getting married?

    Winky: If you're going to work on my behalf, Winky, I'd prefer if it was not towards getting me invites to more baby showers.

    Kelly: I do know this.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Me-Me KingApril 21, 2009 at 7:37 PM

    I think you did a wonderful job! I'm sure the expectant mother will be thrilled with your selections and the other party-gift-giving-people will be green with envy. Be prepared to take a bow!

    By the way, if we never hear from you again we won't be too surprised.

    Enjoy the party! :)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Jeff TompkinsApril 21, 2009 at 8:39 PM

    We need more guys out there willing to do stuff like this in an effort to express the caring sentiment: We guys don't want to be within 100 miles of this type of thing.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Kelly AnnApril 21, 2009 at 10:40 PM

    Where can I get those pacifiers.. like NOW! Not that my kids use pacifiers mind you.. lmao

    ReplyDelete
  27. ShawnApril 21, 2009 at 11:14 PM

    Me-Me King: Hmm...your point is valid. I'll have to do one of those deals where I tell someone, "If you haven't heard from me by 8:00, open the envelope". I don't know what envelope, or what that even means, but it should work.

    Jeff: Now if it was a NAKED baby shower, that might be a different story. Wait, that didn't sound right.

    Lady S: Yeah I bet you're craving a nicotine binky right about now.

    ReplyDelete
  28. lilaphaseApril 21, 2009 at 11:25 PM

    Since you are obviously the expert, do you have suggestions for a sweet 16 party?

    ReplyDelete
  29. CandiceApril 22, 2009 at 12:29 AM

    Baby showers are retarded. I love it when people go out, get laid, produce spawn and then think that someone else needs to give them free shit because of it.

    Love your gift selections ;)

    ReplyDelete
  30. alantruApril 22, 2009 at 12:47 AM

    So... No booze, no crack, no needles, no guns, no explosives, no condoms, no weed, and no objects that can get caught in throats. Well, it's the thought that counts, I guess...

    ReplyDelete
  31. VinceApril 22, 2009 at 5:33 AM

    Wow! Cool gifts! That is one lucky baby! Haha! Those other moms will definitely be envious! Haha! Great post! Will share this with friends.

    www.MotivatedMonkey.com

    ReplyDelete
  32. ShawnApril 22, 2009 at 4:16 PM

    lilaphase: A Mercedes seems to be the most popular choice, from what I've seen on that MTV show.

    Candice: Yeah really! Although I can understand the need for consolation.

    Alan: Well you know, you always think of those things after the fact.

    Vince: Thanks, I think you're right.

    ReplyDelete
  33. JerseyGirlApril 22, 2009 at 9:27 PM

    baby showers are pure hell. hell, i say.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Waltsense.comApril 22, 2009 at 11:43 PM

    i think they called that a "jack and jill shower".
    That is a term that makes my dad shake his head and good reason. Some thinks need to stay sacred - and buying freaking baby gifts is a women's job. That's like the mixed bachelor/ette part. I mean - show some dignity. I guess men should shave their legs and go tanning....oh yeah..my bad.

    ReplyDelete
  35. ShawnApril 24, 2009 at 9:18 AM

    Jersey: Shopping for one is bad enough.

    Waltsense: Agreed on all counts.

    ReplyDelete
  36. UnknownApril 26, 2009 at 11:45 AM

    Babies love to play with plastic bags - at least that is what the label says - " This bag is a toy"

    ReplyDelete
  37. ShawnApril 26, 2009 at 4:02 PM

    Dave: That's very true, I wish I would have remembered that. I could have saved a lot of money.

    ReplyDelete
  38. WendyApril 29, 2009 at 9:48 PM

    My life would be completely different if I'd had one of those baby moats.

    ReplyDelete
  39. ShawnApril 30, 2009 at 12:11 AM

    Wendy: I don't think any mother should be without one.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Funny VideosApril 30, 2009 at 12:24 PM

    Nice gifts. That will make the baby laugh too!

    ReplyDelete
  41. GeorgeMay 9, 2009 at 8:14 AM

    You've got the goods alright, Shawn. Who needs crap like bibs and a mobile when you've got a freakin' Doberman Saddle?

    All mom has to do is get the matching riding crop and baby's got minutes of pure fun until authorities arrive. You're so thoughtful, dawg. I hope you come to my kid's shower so we can rack up.

    ReplyDelete
  42. ShawnMay 9, 2009 at 10:43 AM

    Funny Vids: Nothing makes a baby laugh like broken glass.

    George: Invitation accepted!

    ReplyDelete
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